Monday, June 27, 2011

Lessons In Life From Mom And Dad

In all of life's lesson, probably the most important ones came from my parents. Mom taught me about religion saying, "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." Dad taught me about time travel. He said, "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" They both taught me about logic, "Because I said so, that's why."

One of the more important things Mom taught me was foresight. She always said, "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident. I learned about the "Circle of Life" when Mom said, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

Dad showed me the truth in Irony when he said, "Keep on crying and I'll give you something to cry about." Mom's lesson about giving and receiving was swiftly learned. Mom said, "You're Dad's going to give it to you when he gets home!" My mother taught me about medical science. She said, "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

My parents taught me about wisdom saying,"When you get to be our age, you'll understand." And lastly, mother taught me about justice. She said, "One day you'll have kids, and hopefully, they'll turn out just like you!" I think there was a bit of sarcasm in her justice lesson.....

Peter Falk, one of the most famous and beloved fictional detectives in television history, passed away at his Beverly Hills home on Thursday, June 23rd. Mr. Falk had a wide-ranging career in comedy and drama, in the movies and onstage, before and during the three and a half decades in which he portrayed the unkempt but canny lead on "Columbo."

He was nominated for two Oscars; appeared in original stage productions of works by Paddy Chayefsky, Neil Simon and Arthur Miller; worked with the directors Frank Capra, John Cassavetes, Blake Edwards and Mike Nichols; and co-starred with the likes of Frank Sinatra, Bette Davis and Jason Robards. long time star of the television series, "Columbo". Peter Falk was 83.

The News As I See It: According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time.

Senator John McCain is in a bit of hot water after he made an unsubstantiated claim that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona wildfires. He has kind of backtracked. Now he's saying it was just the Metamucil talking.

Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obozo? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days? That a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his? That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boner.

Sarah Palin had tp cancel the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.

President Obozo gave his speech about withdrawing troops from Afghanistan. It's a new phase in the military campaign called "Operation Reelection." You go boy!

This Date In History: 1844; Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints founder Joseph Smith was murdered by a mob in Carthage, Ill. 1898; Joshua Slocum became the first person to successfully circumnavigate the earth alone when he landed his sloop Spray in Newport, R.I., a 46,000-mile trip. 1922; The Newbery Medal for children’s literature was first awarded.

1950; President Harry S. Truman ordered the Air Force and Navy into the Korean War. 1954; The world's first atomic power station opened at Obninsk, near Moscow. 1969; Police and gays clashed at the Stonewall Inn in New York City, fostering the gay rights movement.

1985; The legendary Route 66, running from Chicago to Santa Monica, Calif., was decertified, the victim of the Interstate Highway System. 2003; The national do-not-call registry, formed to combat unwanted telemarketing calls and administered by the Federal Trade Commission, enrolled almost three-quarters of a million phone numbers on its first day.

Picture Of The Day: Eclectic....a word I've heard may times to describe me. That's ok, Peter Falk was eclectic as well. Today's pictures just blend right in.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My ex-wife told me, "I hope your next wife appreciates the improvements I've made in you." 2) When my friend was six, he was left an orphan. What the hell is a six year old supposed to do with an orphan? 3) A bachelor is the only man who has never told his wife a lie. 4) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 5) It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - June 27th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.

Birthdays: Charles Stewart Parnell, statesman 1846, Frank Rattray Lillie, zoologist and educator 1870, Helen Keller, American author and lecturer, blind and deaf from the age of two 1880, Bob Keeshan, Captain Kangaroo 1927, H. Ross Perot, business executive 1930, Vera Wang, fashion designer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was walking in the street when he heard a voice say, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked, "Where are you? Who are you?" The voice said, "I am your guardian angel." The old man replied, "Oh yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Arizona asked whether people who live in Arizona think the illegal alien situation is a serious problem. 30% of respondents answered, "Yes, it is a serious problem." 70% of respondents answered, "No es una problema serio."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Gary for his contribution to today's stories.

An Asian man arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says, "I'm not American, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by and says, "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I am not American, I am from Nigeria.

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Pakistan, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work!"

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It read, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico.

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him. The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him. Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

That's it for today my little black eyed peas. Remember, as you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jack69 said...

jack69 said...
I hope the rest of the week is good for you. I liked the slapping incident, most folks don't think that fast!!!

Thanks for the laughs and the education. I sure need it.
From NC jack & Sherry

The comment needed some spell check

Joann said...

Hey Jimmy!!! How are you doing!? I loved your post, especially the one about the asian man in minneapolis.... it's SO TRUE!!!

Hope you are doing well, miss you much, will stop by again soon. Take care,