Friday, August 12, 2011

And Then I Wrote: "Just Call Me Pee Pee 'Cause I'm All Your'n"

I've written several songs over the years but there are a few actual song titles that help me understand why it's illegal to marry your cousin. One of my favorites is "I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling." Now, there's a dilema, huh"

Country music singer and writer Jerry Reed of "Smokey And The Bandit " fame wrote, "She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft". I'll bet there's quite a few of us out there who can identify with that one! Although I haven't heard it, I'm told that Dolly Parton wrote, "You're The Reason Our Children Are Ugly".

Singer Ray Stevens has come up with quite a few songs that did quite well. Who can forget, "Ahab The Arab"? And then there were just silly songs that caught on like, "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?" and "Tie Me Kangaroo Down".

"One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater" hit the top of the hit parade way back when. along with songs like "Love Potion Number Nine" and "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah" In 1966, Jerry Samuels had a brief hit with "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" and I personally knew several people that I was sure the song was written for.

Yep, those were entertaining back in the day and one of the best songs I ever wrote was never a hit because someone wrote a song with a similar (yet trite) title. My song was entitled, "I'm In The Nude For Love" but it only sold 39 copies.....

The News As I See It: Congress has appointed a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren’t they the ones who put us in debt?

Obama took campaign volunteers out for burgers yesterday and apparently left a 35 percent tip. He's real generous.....with China’s money.

They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money.

Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America "a renewed sense of urgency." A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don’t think it’s urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.

There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game.

The FCC says you will soon be able to send text messages to 911. I’m sure 911 operators can’t wait to get texts that say, "Being carjacked, LOL."

This Date In History: 1624; Cardinal Richelieu was named chief minister of France by king Louis XIII. 1851; Issac Singer patented the sewing machine. 1865 British surgeon Joseph Lister became the first doctor to use an antiseptic during surgery.

1898; A peace protocol ending the Spanish-American War was signed. 1898; Hawaii was formally annexed to the United States. 1972; The last American combat troops left Vietnam. 1985; In the world's worst single-aircraft disaster, a Japan Air Lines 747 crashed into Mount Osutaka, killing 520 of the 524 aboard.

1998; Swiss banks agreed to pay $1.25 billion to settle lawsuits brought by Holocaust survivors and their heirs. The banks had kept millions of dollars deposited by Holocaust victims before and during World War II. 2000; The Russian military submarine, Kursk, and its crew were lost in the Barents Sea.

Picture Of The Day: Just some crazy photoshop animals that made me laugh.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The reason I never tell jokes about the "Jonestown Massacre" is that the punch lines are too long. 2) My female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I’m stalking her. She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait a minute...... that's "petrified." Sorry, it’s not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree. 3) Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I. 4) People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer. 5) I don't want to say that girl was ugly, but when I bent down to pet her cat, I discovered that it was the hair on her legs.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 12th: Avoid long lines today as that prescription you've been taking will kick in sometime in the afternoon. That product you've been wanting to buy for yourself will be on sale this weekend although I'm not sure of the day. Go for it. Animals will be nice to you this weekend so pet a few, except for "Butch." I don't know why that son of a bitch dislikes you so.....

Birthdays: George IV, king of Great Britain and Ireland (1820–30), eldest son and successor of George III 1762, Katharine Lee Bates, author 1859. Jacinto Benavente, dramatist 1866, Mary Roberts Rinehart, novelist 1876, Christy Mathewson, baseball player 1880, Cecil B. De Mille film director 1881, Erwin Schrödinger, theoretical physicist 1887, Cantinflas, actor 1911, George Hamilton, actor, producer 1939, Pete Sampras, tennis player 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Claude the hypnotist was the headliner on entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude exclaimed, "I’m going to put everyone into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. Claude said, "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Claude’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

Claude yelled, "Shit!" It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how do you do it? The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.

Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position too.' Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." St. Peter said, "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard, who asks, "What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly and says, "I’ve come for some courage." The Wizard says, "No problem! Who is next?"

George Bush steps forward, "Well, I think I need a heart." The Wizard says, "Done! Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"

Up steps Barack Obama, who says, "I’m told by the American people that I need a brain." The Wizard says, "Not a problem! Consider it done."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?" Clinton says quietly, "Ummm, is Dorothy around?"

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Washington state There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."

That's it for today my little fireflies. Remember, perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. Look out AREA 51, here I come. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

The punch line is to long Jimmy?

Paula said...

If they sold those dog/parrots think I would buy one. The senior center joke was sooo funny but I'm glad I don't believe in hypnotism.

Heli gunner Tom said...

Even going to sleep at night is a form of 'self- hypnosis.' Per a VA Ph.,D.... and I'm inclined to believe him. But the really "deep" hypnosis where you empty most of your brain and awareness is said to be dangerous. Not that I am into that stuff, but I like to go digging and learn about things.

Tom S

jack69 said...

I ain't believing this crap! I used to enjoy this Journal. But did you have to tell me George Hamilton, actor, producer 1939.... I'm older than George hamilton? That old fa..? I quit!!! LOL

Now, have a good day if you can!

Sherry is still over there laughing about the hypnosis trick!
I ain't even gonna read it!!!

Ally Lifewithally said...

I enjoyed the Hypnosis joke ~ and all of the the rest ~ Ally x