Have you ever noticed that the morning weather on television is mostly done by women and they all look like they should be in Playboy? I'm not complaining, au contraire, I look forward to tuning in each morning and seeing those huge....thunderstorms. I've also noticed that the morning news is provided during the same show.
All joking aside, these women are very knowledgable and their morning weather reports are important. It just that in my day, we had guys like "Weaver the Weatherman" to give us the morning reports and unless a raging storm or hurricane was bearing down on Miami, it was kind of boring. Dontcha just love progress?
The News As I See It: Barack Obozo sent Vice President Joe O'Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars and an apology. Obozo is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in the back of a bus.
A new study shows that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn’t sound too bad to me. You’d probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.
The New York Police Department created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.
Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the GOP race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is.
Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn’t been this excited since she won last year’s "Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin" contest. Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it’s actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, "My apologies to Elvis and the entire Costello family."
This Date In History: 1807; Robert Fulton's steamboat, the Clermont, began its trip up the Hudson River to Albany. 1863; Fort Sumter, S.C. was bombarded by Union ships during the Civil War. 1896; Prospectors found gold in Alaska, a discovery that set off the Klondike gold rush. 1945; Indonesian nationalists proclaimed independence from the Netherlands.
1962; 18-year-old Peter Fechter was shot and killed by guards at the Berlin Wall, spurring riots. 1969; Hurricane Camille devastated the Gulf Coast, killing 248 people. 1978; The first successful trans-Atlantic balloon flight landed outside of Paris. 1987; Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler's second in command, committed suicide.
Picture Of The Day: Two of Miami's weather girls, Julie Durda (L) and Lissette Gonzalez (R). Both are knowledgeable, beautiful and would stand up well to any hurricane. (that's "built like a brick shit house" for the hard of understanding).
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) So, after my sleepover with the girl with the hairy legs, I caught a disease from kissing her pet bird. It's call Chirpes. It's a canareal disease, but it's tweetable. 2) I hope that after I die, people will say of me, "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." 3) You have to remember one thing about the will of the American voter. It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
4) Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs anyway. 5) I always wonder why women seem to think that putting an Asian tattoo on their ass is profound. The reality of it all is that it's just gives men something to look at while they're getting busy. By the way, when translated, the tattoo reads "Eat At Ming Chang's Restaurant".....and that's five !
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 17th: Check the air in your left front tire before you go to work. There's probably nothing wrong, but mine was low this morning and you never know about serial leakers. Happy hour is going to be great today and you should try out a new place. Romance is 50-50, but at least the baseball game is on. I wouldn't eat any of the free peanuts today......
Birthdays: William Carey, missionary 1761, Davy Crockett, frontiersman 1786, Marcus Garvey, black nationalist leader 1887, Mae West, American comedienne 1893, Ted Hughes, poet 1930, V. S. Naipaul, author 1932, Robert De Niro, film actor 1943, Sean Penn, actor, producer, director 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red? " The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. Twice a day for two weeks, she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" She replied, "No, but the cucumbers are growing like crazy."
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. Paul replies, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" Jeff replies with a laugh, "Yes." Paul says, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
Jeff says, "When are you going out?" Paul says, "I went to meet her this evening, but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped 'it' to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". Jeff says, "That sounds sensible."
Paul says, "So I get to her door and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest dress you ever saw." Jeff says, "And what happened then?" Paul says, "I kicked her in the face."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming:
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, '"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and they send me a blind policeman!"
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. After getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"
Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the above, the voice bellowed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!!." She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager...."
That's it for today my little buttercups. Remember, a person is getting along the road to wisdom when they begin to realize that their opinion is just another opinion. Happy hour sounds good so I'm heading over to AREA 51. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !