Friday, August 19, 2011

I Often Fly United Even Though I Booked With Delta

It's National Aviation Day and members of the "Mile High Club" will be celebrating. I've always had a fear of flying, so I go the the Sheraton in Denver and rent a sweet (Denver is 5280 feet above sea level for the hard of understanding ((5,280 feet = one mile for the hopelessly hard of understanding))).

The holiday was established in 1939, by a presidential proclamation. The date of August 19 was chosen as it is the birthday of Orville Wright. Orville was the founder of the "150 Feet High Club" but it never caught on, especially after the crash.

The News As I See It: With the current stir about President Obama's ten day vacation at Martha's Vineyard, the White House is pointing out that all presidents take vacation. Teddy Roosevelt took trips to Long Island, Harry Truman would go to Key West and George Bush would go to Legoland.

The CEO of Starbucks said that Obama shouldn’t be vacationing during a crisis, and that he should be getting Americans back to work. Yeah, so they can afford a $9 cup of coffee, right?

Obama went on a bus tour talking about jobs and it was reported that his bus was made in Canada. That’s so unpatriotic. If he was a real American, that bus would have been made in China.

The price of gold is at a record high. It’s so high that a flash mob of Philadelphia thugs beat and looted Mr. T.

Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's "not dead yet." Then he was invited on Dancing With the Stars and he said, "OK, now I'm dead."

This Date In History: 1812; The U.S. frigate Constitution, Old Ironsides, defeated the British ship Guerriere during the War of 1812. 1934; Germans voted to make Adolf Hitler Fuhrer. 1960; American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers was convicted of espionage in Moscow.

1977; Comedian Groucho Marx died in Los Angeles at age 86. 2003; U.N. special representative Sergio Vieira de Mello was one of 22 killed when a suicide car bomb struck the UN's Baghdad headquarters.

Picture Of The Day: Happy Aviation Day! Fly United.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than have driven with Ted Kennedy. 2) I don't know if it's the economy or just me, but I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 3) Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll buy a stupid-looking hat. 4) The British have different ways of saying things. They say "lift", we say "elevator", they say "telly", we say "TV". They say "President", we say "idiot." 5) If I could change the drinking laws of nature, I think that instead of developing a "beer belly", men would develop "beer biceps".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 19th: You won't be hospitalized today, but things may not go as planned. You have achieved what most of us only dream about. I probably should have told you this years ago, but it's not a good idea to smoke cigars and hang around with anyone named Monica. Sorry, my bad.....

Birthdays: John Dryden, poet, dramatist, and critic 1631, Orville Wright, aviation pioneer 1871, Coco Chanel, fashion designer 1883, Ogden Nash, poet 1902, Malcolm Forbes, publisher 1919, Willie Shoemaker, jockey 1931, William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd President of the United States 1946, Matthew Perry, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him.

He asked, "Miss Beatrice, I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. Miss Beatrice replied, "ah yes, isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The call was answered and a voice said, "Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?" The priest said, "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

That's it for today my little sugar plums. Remember, money is the root of all evil. For more information, send me ten dollars. AREA 51 beckons. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

The polictal area is making me sick........what President didn't take vacations?

Time to pour myself a stiff one!

Enjoy your weekend.

jack69 said...

Soooo, you are leaning toward being a TV evangelist? Only $10 or is that just the bait.

I also stand where I am told!!!

Take care, enclosed is my $10.

Paula said...

John and I were just discussing flu shots today. Now I know how to keep from getting it but since I don't have an organ or even a piano where shall I sit the bowl of water? Thanks for the info.