2012 London Olympics - Go Team USA !

After seven years of hard training, long nights in AREA 51, selfless sacrifice and a number of career-threatening injuries, I am now in perfect condition for my big night at London 2012. I'll be watching the Opening Ceremony in AREA 51 with a few glasses of Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks.

The opening ceremonies of the 2012 Olympics in London will feature the parade of athletes from 107 bankrupt nations. In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop, so there's still hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.

This year, the Olympics will be replacing the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of "Buzzkillistan."

The Olympics is not a sport but several peculiar sports, each of which only commands your attention every four years, sort of like a dental appointment.

All joking aside, the London Olympics Opening Ceremony 2012 schedule begins at 9 p.m. London time (3 p.m. Central Time) on Friday. NBC's tape-delayed coverage airs Friday evening. NBC is live streaming the rest of the Olympics.

The big story in Los Angeles is that the L.A. City Council has just voted to ban medical marijuana sales at all 790 dispensaries. You know this means? Some people may have to resort to buying non-medical marijuana. In California! Hah! Good luck finding that!

The News As I See It: The Obama campaign spent more money in June than it took in. Every businessman will tell you, you can’t run a campaign like that. Apparently, you can run a government like that, but not a campaign.

The President of Mexico announced that Mexico will not participate in the upcoming London Olympic Games. He said, "Pretty much everyone who can run, jump or swim has already left the country."

Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter.

The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie.

A report shows that smoking marijuana can help eliminate diarrhea. It's true. The finding was called significant by doctors and a win-win by Taco Bell.

Germany has opened a new hotline that lets people call in and yell curse words at strangers on the other end. We have something similar in America. It's called AOL Time Warner customer service.

European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

The Olympics can inspire American kids to get active....or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.

This Date In History: 1861; Union general George B. McClellan was put in command of the Army of the Potomac during the Civil War. 1940; Bugs Bunny made his debut in the cartoon "A Wild Hare." 1940; Billboard magazine published its first singles record chart (for the week of July 20).

1953; An armistice was signed ending the Korean War. 1974; The House Judiciary Committee voted to impeach Richard Nixon for obstructing justice in the Watergate case. 1995; The Korean War Veterans Memorial was dedicated in Washington, DC.

1996; A pipe bomb exploded in an Atlanta park during the Olympic Games. 2003; Comedian Bob Hope died in his home, at the age of 100. 2003; Lance Armstrong won his fifth straight Tour de France, tying Miguel Indurain's record.

Picture Of The Day: It's rumored that the long distance runner from Indonesia via Kenya might be a ringer.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was walking down the street with a friend and he said, "I hear music." I said, "That's the way I take it in as well." 2) Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone gets scared. "Tom's gone!".... "Is he a magician?".... "No.".... "Then let's print up some flyers!" 3) On a billboard for the lottery, it said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I didn't know that the amount was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry." 4) If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. 5) I hope I'm the last guy on earth - I want to see if all those women were lying to me.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 27th: You may be torn between watching the Olympics this weekend or finishing your to-do list. While that decision may be difficult, the art of procrastination may help you decide. Chance of romance is 53.17 percent.

Birthdays: My niece Kristi and my pal Cynthia - Happy Birthday ladies ! 19XX, I certainly would be remiss (and possibly hog-tied) if I didn't mention that my good friend and fellow blogger Pauline will celebrate her birthday tomorrow. Happy Birthday Paula 19XX, Alexandre Dumas, French dramatist and novelist 1824, Leo Durocher, baseball player 1905, Norman Lear, television producer 1922, Bharati Mukherjee, writer 1940, Peggy Fleming, ice skater 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: In the Olympic trials heat for the 200 meter Olympic women's breaststroke, eight women entered the race. After approximately 2 minutes and 10 seconds, the swimmer from Australia won the race. 5 seconds later, the swimmer from France was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 40 minutes later, Rose, the blonde American swimmer finally completed the race. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the breaststroke race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.'"

After hiring a beautiful new maid, a man was asked by his wife, "Did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you have found some beefy, East European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?" Her husband replied, "Well, I asked for one, but it's an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, he grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. The man released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, he felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake...with two more frogs.

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

A voice answered, "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" Father O'Malley said, "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of da matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

That's it for today, my little guppies. Remember, if it weren't for marriage, you would have gone through life thinking you had no faults at all. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !