My Boomerang Won't Come Back

I'm not the young man I used to be. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like Elvis Presley, but I'm now in my Vegas years and the toilet has become a friend. You know your getting older when you wake up in the morning with no aches or pains and become anxious that something's wrong.

It just doesn't pay to even hang out with older guys. One night an old friend asked me if he could go to AREA 51 with me. When I picked him up, a lovely young woman happened to walk by at the same time. He got so nervous that his pacemaker opened his garage door. He asked me, "Do you think we'll get lucky tonight?" I told him getting lucky means remembering where we parked the car.

He told me he'd thought he'd get a little action that night. I said, "You might if you remembered to take your fiber." He said, "It  would be great to have an "all-nighter." I told him an "all nighter" means you won't have to get up three times to pee.

Later that night, he became enamoured with an older woman. I know that she liked him because she looked at his crotch and clapped twice.....but nothing happened. I told him that if he was lucky, her Kraft-matic Adjustable Bed will be set for "doggy style."  

The News As I See It: The Olympics take place during Ramadan and some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. After sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.

The apartment that Obama used to live in when he was a college student in New York is now up for rent for $2,400 a month. Coincidentally, Obama was only there for one four-year term.

A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.

The Romney campaign raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.

Kim Kardashian's mother, Kris Jenner, wants to host her own talk show while Kim's step-dad, Bruce Jenner, just wants to be able to blink.

This Date In History: 1946; The United States tested the first underwater atomic bomb at Bikini Atoll. 1952; Puerto Rico became a commonwealth of the United States. 1956; The Italian liner Andrea Doria sank after colliding with the Swedish ship Stockholm off the New England coast, killing 51 people.

1978; The world's first test-tube baby, Louise Joy Brown, was born in Lancashire, England. 1984; Soviet cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to walk in space. 2000; The supersonic airliner Concorde crashed after takeoff outside Paris.

Picture Of The Day: Without a doubt, "The Big Bang Theory" has taken the number one spot for comedy from "Two and A Half Men." Ashton Kutcher will never have the comedic talent to replace Charlie Sheen and the writers have dropped the ball as well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. 2) I never use the phrase "camel-toe." I call it "the reason I go to yoga exercise." 3) On a traffic light yellow means yield and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana? 4) I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. 5) I can't wait to finish today's post, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 25th: You've got as much right as anyone to stamp your feet and demand retribution as the next person, but wearing a hat will complicate matters. Bear in mind that experience is something you don't get until just after you need it, so use caution if you go to happy hour tonight. Chance of romance is 28.16 percent with the hat and 56.34 percent without the hat. You make the call. 

Birthdays: Henry Knox, officer 1750, Thomas Eakins, painter, photographer, sculptor 1844, Arthur Balfour, statesman 1848, Walter Payton, football player 1954, Matt LeBlanc, actor 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old Scot and a young Scot were sitting in the pub talking about life. Somewhere around their fourth pint of ale, the old man says to the young man, "Son, look out the window. You see that stone fence stretching out across the moor as far as yer eye can see? Well I built that fence with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Nooooo."

The old Scot continued, "Now ya take a look up at the bar. See the perfectly constructed thing of beauty stretchin’ across this great hall? Well, I built that bar with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? Noooo."

After a swig of ale, the old man said, "Now take a look toward the sea. Do you see that magnificent pier, sturdy and straight, unmoving againt the sea and all her wrath? Well, I built that pier with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? Noooo."

Then MacGregor leans in close to the young man and whispers, "But ya screw one goat….."

The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. He asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said, thoughtfully, "I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours."

The reporter questioned, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Of course, but don't put that in your paper."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. He asks, "Brenda, may I come in? I've somethin' to tell ya." Brenda says, "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

Tim says, "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery....." Brenda cries, "Oh, God no! Please don't tell me......" Tim says, "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim and asked, "How did it happen, Tim?" Tim replied, "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." Brenda says, "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" Tim says, "Well, no Brenda...no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down on the bar. About that time, a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the beer. The man asks the bartender who owns the monkey. The bartender replies, "The piano player".

The angry man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a little of it, I'll try to play it."

Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony. The second guy said, "I don't believe it."

So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. "See, I told you," he says. The second guy says, "I've got to try that." So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and finally.....splat on the ground.

The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink. As he serves the drink, the bartender says, "You're mean when you're drunk, Superman."

That's it for today, my little sugar snaps. Remember, when it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere. I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour. Maybe I'll meet a green chick.... Nah, probably not, Easter is too far away. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !