Monday, July 2, 2012

Buying A Fifth In Preparation For The Fourth

Any day is a great day for a holiday, but Wednesdays are not at the top of my list. Obviously, it will be difficult to stretch Wednesday into a long weekend and Tuesday doesn't really fill the role of July fourth Eve.

Nevertheless, it is the duty of every pyromaniac idiot to begin igniting their stash of bombs, rockets and hand grenades at 11:59 on Tuesday night. We then move on to Barbecue Wednesday with drinking scheduled to begin at 2 pm, or earlier if your relatives call to tell you that they're coming over and bringing all the kiddies for the afternoon burning of hot dogs and hamburgers.

The best part of having a party on a Wednesday is that you can sleep until the crack of 6 am, take three aspirins and schlep your ass to work.

Nope, Wednesday parties never did it for me in the past, but the good thing about it is that I own my own company and, when convenient, every day is a Saturday.

Have a great Fourth of July!

The News As I See It: There was an annual congressional baseball game last week between the Democrats and Republicans and the Democrats won 18-5. Of course the Democrats won! Did you see who the umpire was? Chief Justice John Roberts.

Now that Obamacare was upheld, everyone will now pay to have health insurance.....the same way every Mexican in California has a driver's license and car insurance.

The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor. I'm assuming that the planners and organizers must have been following Obama's economic plan for America as a financial planning guide.. I have no punchline for this, it just makes me happy.

A Mafia wise guy named "Jimmy the Weasel" in the witness protection program kept committing crimes so they kicked him out of the program. Who could've predicted that you couldn't trust a guy called "The Weasel." When you join the witness protection program the government usually gives you a fake birth certificate, like they did for Obama.

A lot of times people in the witness protection program get plastic surgery. That’s why the Mafia spent so much time looking for Sammy "The Cat Lady" Ravanno.

There's a new movie called "Machete" and in the film, Charlie Sheen has been cast to play the President of the United States. Charlie Sheen as President? Really? I see Charlie as more of a Secret Service kind of guy.

Obama recently said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, "But until we find that guy, I'm still your best choice."

Nancy Pelosi is using the Internet to help gain support for Obama's re-election. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site,

This Date In History: 1566; French astrologer, physician, and prophet Nostradamus died. 1881; President James Garfield was shot by Charles Guiteau; he died on September 19. 1890; Congress passed the Sherman Antitrust Act.

1937; Amelia Earhart and her co-pilot Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to fly around the world. 1964; President Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 into law.

1976; In Gregg v. Georgia, the Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty was not inherently cruel or unusual. 1997; Actor James Stewart died in Beverly Hills, Calif. 2002; Steve Fossett became the first to circumnavigate the globe solo in a balloon.

Picture Of The Day: The patriotic food displays are always a favorite of mine.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 2) There's a new organization called A.A.A.A.A. - it's for drunks who drive. 3) I'll be honest. Some of today's printables have been re-gifted. 4) Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never seen one who suffered from insomnia. 5) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 2nd: Your recent brush with danger was nothing compared to what may happen to you on the Fourth of July. If I were you, I make a serious effort not to drink beer and take charge of the fireworks show. On th other hand, you could do both, but you'll lose the ability to use the phrase "on the other hand" in the future. Chance of romance is 15.71 percent. Never trust a naked bus driver.

Birthdays: My pals Cathy and Jennifer - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Thomas Cranmer, archbishop of Canterbury 1489, Hermann Hesse, novelist and poet 1877, Tyrone Guthrie, stage director, playwright 1900, Hans Bethe, physicist 1901, Thurgood Marshal, U.S. lawyer and Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (1967–91) 1908, Patrice Emergy Lumumba, prime minister 1925, Medgar Evers, civil rights leader 1925, Richard Petty, champion stock car racing driver 1937, Vicente Fox, president of Mexico 1945, Ron Silver, actor 1946, Jose Canseco, baseball player 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: "Where is my Sunday paper?!", the irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know. The newspaper employee responded, "Madam, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,....."I guess that explains why no one was at church either."

Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?"

Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some asshole using my stuff." Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Sister Jean and my pal Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" The homeless man replied, "No, I had to give up drinking years ago."

The man asked, "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" The homeless man said, "Are you nuts? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded and asked, "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife, Grace, listened to the instructor. He said, "It is necessary that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.

He addressed the husband, "Tom, Do you know your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, gently touched his wife's arm and asked, "It's Pilsbury, isn't it?"

That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I like your call on the Democratic convention. (BTW it will be held about 7 miles from where I usually park my RV, usually being the key word, I am leaving next week and will be gone although I have personally (along with millions of others) been asked to attend and donate.

Not sure Biden has made it that far!

And yep, I always liked that idea too, as long as you put everything you have on the line and own your own business, you make your Saturdays, and you also know when you can't!
Enjoyed the read, thanks.

Paula said...

Lots of good funnies here. Have a good 4th.