Monday, July 16, 2012

Whatcha Doin'? Nuthin'!

Have you ever had one of those days where your goal for the day was to do absolutely nothing? And that's what you did.....nothing? Well, my little fur balls, that's exactly what I accomplished today......nothing. It wasn't a contrived plan, it just sort of came to pass.

I woke up to drizzling rain and occasional distant thunder. That, in and of itself, makes me sleepy. Drizzling rain also stirs up other emotions but I digress.

Oddly enough, most of the things that I had planned for today were accomplished between the hours of 3 to 5 am, that part of the night when nature inevitably calls and I can't go back to sleep. So, after assessing the situation, I decided that intermittent naps throughout the day would be the perfect way to spend a drizzly Monday......

The News As I See It: In an interview with CBS, Obama said the biggest mistake of his first term was not telling a story to give Americans a sense of unity. In response, Americans were like, "Yeah, and fixing the economy would’ve been cool too."

Russia is now planning to finally bury former Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin. His body has been on display since 1924, which breaks the old record held by Cher.

California is so broke that San Francisco has a cover charge and two-drink minimum to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge

Mitt Romney told the crowd at an NAACP conference that if he were elected president he would fight for all millionaires, black or white. Evidently, Romney isn't very popular among Black voters. In fact, diabetes is more popular among Black voters than Mitt Romney.

Researchers at the University of Minnesota say that because of the recession, women are jumping into bed with guys faster. They say women are having sex with men after just one drink, all because of the recession. Finally, we are beginning to see the try benefits of the Obama economic plan

Quicken Loans claims to have invented a new product that they refer to as a "Yortgage." It's basically a mortgage where you can choose the number of years you want to apply for. Without referring to their claim as an out-and-out, boldface lie, I can assure you that this option has been around since mortgages were created and is nothing more than a ruse.

Not to continue to beat a dead horse, but take the time this week to count the number of television ads (I counted 15 over the weekend) from the newest scam on the block "Super Beta Prostate" represented by the newest ad whore, Joe Theisman. Theisman has a good chance to become the "Ad Prostitute Of The Year", a position currently held by Coach Jimmy "The Dickhead" Johnson representing Extenze.

This Date In History: 1790; The District of Columbia was established as the seat of the United States government. 1918; Russia's Czar Nicholas II and his family were executed by the Bolsheviks.

1935; The first parking meters were installed in Oklahoma City. 1945; The first atomic bomb was tested in Alamogordo, New Mexico. 1951; J. D. Salinger's novel Catcher in the Rye was published.

1969; Apollo 11 took off on the first manned flight to the moon. 1979; Saddam Hussein became president of Iraq. 1999; John F. Kennedy, Jr., his wife Carolyn Bessette, and her sister Lauren, died in a plane crash near Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts.

Picture Of The Day: I'm not saying I condone it, but ya gotta admit it could be useful......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 2) By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. 3) To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. 4) I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. 5) My girlfriend has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst, so I went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 16th: Without ruining your fun, today you will be like a shopping bag and life is one big supermarket. Now that you're fully engrossed in that analogy, I want you to think of me as the store announcer......"Clean up in aisle 12". Chance of romance is 31.67 percent unless you are able to get out of "Aisle 12" before they discover who caused the mess.

Birthdays: My pals Juan Carlos, Mimi and Pam - Happy Birthday all! 19XX, Andrea del Sarto, painter 1486, Jean-Baptiste Camille Corot, painter 1796, Mary Baker Eddy, founder, Christian Science Church 1821, Ida B. Wells-Barnett, journalist, activist 1862, Roald Amundsen Norwegian, polar explorer 1872, "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, baseball player 1887, Trygve Lie, first secretary-general of the United Nations 1896, Ginger Rogers, singer, actress 1911, Pinchas Zukerman, violinist and conductor 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.

To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised.

John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed an older guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face.

John noticed that the old guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The old guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The old guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball an amazing 330 yards into the air. As it hit for the first time, it took an amazingly strong downhill bounce, rolling another 100 yards straight towards the pin and fell into the hole. It was a 430 yard hole-in-one! 

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

His wife answers, "Yeah, he's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." The husband replies, "That's amazing. I wouldn't think he could celebrate that long."

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell.

An old farmer appeared at the door. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." The farmer replied, "Suit yourself, the hens are around the back."

That's it for today, my little junebugs. Remember, some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Garnet said...

Found you at random. Glad I did. *flys away*

Rose said...

Severe thunderstorms up by my way. I agree, the weather makes me lazy and want to do nothing!

I did go to the gym but got in the door before the storm started and I dozed off!

Huggggggggggggggggggs, Rose

jack69 said...

Some of the best printables yet!
Politics is good, but that study by the group from Minnesota, Not sure about the girls jumping in bed sooner, At least the economy hasn't worked that way at my house?????

Note on comments:That ain't our Garnett, right? He ain't that good looking since his operation, is he?
Just sayin'

Rose said...

Very observant Jack.........nope..that ain't our Garnett.

Hugs, Rose

Anonymous said...

It is mom and dads anniversary,
just saying