Friday, July 13, 2012

I Can't Find My Hockey Mask And Machete

Friday the thirteenth has never really bothered me too much although I must admit I don't take any unnecessary chances. For example, on Friday the 13th in 1966, a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was run over by a black rapper.

I'm not saying to stay at home and curl up under the bed, but I'm also not advocating that you walk in front of a Mack truck to test the theory either. To me, it's the little things to keep an eye on this evening.

For example, I wouldn't recommend arguing with a woman wearing a black hat tonight. It also occurs to me to avoid hanging out with any of my friends who might be named Jason.

No, for the most part, I'm not superstitious but I don't push my luck, either. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: At a democratic fund raiser in Seattle earlier this week, Vice President Biden said that Romney's economic policies were "George Bush on steroids" opposed to Obama's policies, which are "Jimmy Carter on Ambien."

The All Star baseball game was played in Kansas City. Baseball used to be the national pastime before it was replaced by doing the Kardashians.

Mitt Romney gave a speech at the annual NAACP conference in Houston. I have no idea why. Maybe he confused NAACP with NASCAR. The event got off to a bad start when Romney pulled up in front of the convention center and he instinctively locked the doors to his limo.

The New Orleans Saints have offered quarterback Drew Brees a five-year, $100 million contract. Hell, that's even a better deal that Katie Holmes made with Tom Cruise.

A hotel in England is bringing in Kindles to replace Bibles on the nightstands. Of course, then they'll be bringing in more Bibles to replace all those stolen Kindles.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, who seems to have a penchant for western ways, has a new girlfriend. Her name is Kim Jong Kardashi-un.

There's talk that if Jennifer Lopez leaves the "American Idol" judges panel, they're going to bring back Paula Abdul. Insiders say Paula was chosen over Chief Justice John Roberts, who producers felt was too unpredictable.

This Date In History: 1793; French revolutionary Jean Paul Marat was stabbed to death in his bath by royalist sympathizer Charlotte Corday. 1863; The draft riots, protesting unfair conscription in the Civil War, began in New York City.

1865; P. T. Barnum's American Museum, which had featured Tom Thumb and the original Siamese twins Chang and Eng, was destroyed by fire. 1930; The first World Cup soccer competition began in Montevideo, Uruguay.

1943; The Battle of Kursk, the largest tank battle in history—involving some 6,000 tanks, 2,000,000 troops, and 4,000 aircraft—ended in German defeat. 1977; A 25-hour blackout hit New York City, engendering widespread rioting and looting. 2003; Iraq's interim governing council was inaugurated.

Picture Of The Day: The dependency on some form of federal assistance continues to grow.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. 2) Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight is cheaper, less crowded and has a better view. 3) Some friends once asked me about the secret of keeping a marriage together. I told them that when I was married, I took the time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She went on Wednesdays and I went on Fridays. 4) It's bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on Friday 5) If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 13th: I'm not superstitious, but don't press your luck if you decide to go out on the town tonight. To be sure, don't trust your date if they're late because they were sharpening their machete. Chance of romance is nil. This is not a night to be naked.

Birthdays: Nathan Bedford Forrest, general 1821, Isaac Babel, writer 1894, Wole Soyinka, playwright, poet, novelist, essayist, and political activist 1934, Patrick Stewart, director 1940, Harrison Ford, actor 1942, Cameron Crowe, director, screenwriter 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough loving. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner. It took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. The doctor said, "Just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time." They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while.

Homer came back to the doctor's office. The Doc asked, "What's wrong? Didn't my idea work?" Homer said, "Oh, it worked real good. Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene would come running. We'd find a secluded place, make love and then she'd go back home again."

The doctor said, "That's good, Homer. So what's the problem?" Homer replied,  "I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

A man was at work one day when he noticed that his co-worker was wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

The co-worker replies, "It's no big deal, it's an earring." The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" The co-worker answers, "Ever since my wife found it in my car."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. The driver replies,  "Fred." The officer asks, "Fred what?" The man responds, "Just Fred."

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. He says, "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name."

Fred continued, "The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."

Fred said, "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Fred went on, "Well, the ADA found out about the VD and they took away my DDS, so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my now I'm just Fred."

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

A man and his wife were at home watching TV. He had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"

That's it for today, my little daffodils. Remember, in an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

I like your view of the news, good insights tonight.

I liked the stories from the Area 51 Bar and Grill. 'At dingaling thing is what kept me chaste in all 'em ports. idda had a hard time splaining the loss of the dingaling. Much harder than this ear ring, you get used to it!
Thanks for the read!!!