Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Leave Punxsutawney Phil Alone !
Spring is late and everyone wants to blame Punxsutawney Phil, the famous Pennsylvania groundhog. Phil was indicted on federal charges of fraud Monday, a culmination of a two-month-long investigation. The hoodwinking groundhog is charged with misrepresentation of early spring, a felony against the peace and dignity of all Americans.
In his defense, Phil said, "Oh sure, blame me! after all, I'm the one with the weather satellites, nightly news and a degree in meteorology. Yep, my muddy hole in the ground is just filled with weather prediction equipment. I can see why you ask me every year for my weather prediction. My bad! By the way, aren't you the same people who voted for Obama?"
The News As I See It: The movie "SpringBreakers" is now in theaters. It features robbery, arrests, drug use, alcohol, illicit sex.....or as Lindsay Lohan calls it, getting ready for trial.
According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak only at a 10th-grade level. That's worse than it sounds, because the average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level.
A company in North Carolina is selling a $60 IQ test that people can give their dogs. If you spend 60 bucks on a dog IQ test, maybe you should take that IQ test. There's no way I'd make my dog take an IQ test. He's already busy enough doing my taxes.
Jay Leno is allegedly feuding with NBC. I think it’s going to be OK. To make it up to Leno, NBC is sending him and his wife on an all-expenses-paid Carnival cruise.
This Date In History: 1634; Maryland was founded by settlers sent by the late Lord Baltimore. 1894; Jacob Sechler Coxey and his "army" of unemployed men began their march from Ohio to Washington, DC. 1911; A fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist Co. in New York City killed 145 workers.
1931; The Scottsboro boys were arrested in Alabama. 1934; Horton Smith won the first Masters golf tournament at Augusta National in Georgia. 1957; The European Economic Community was established by the Treaty of Rome.
1965; The Alabama Freedom March to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks ended its journey from Selma on the steps of the State Capitol in Montgomery, Alabama. 1975; King Faisal of Saudi Arabia was shot and killed by his nephew.
Picture Of The Day: "Okay, now cough."
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There is no "we" in "bacon"! 2) To err is human; to forgive, canine. 3) Being married is wonderful. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 4) My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"? 5) Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 25th: Waiting for your loved one to come to you could be a big mistake. This is especially true for at least one person today, whose loved one happens to drive a very large bus and will suddenly lose the ability to brake while driving toward your house.
Birthdays: Arturo Toscanini, conductor 1867, Bela Bartok, composer 1881, Howard Cosell, sports commentator 1920, Simone Signoret, actress 1921, Flannery O'Connor, author 1925, Gloria Steinem, journalist 1934, Aretha Franklin, singer 1942, Elton John musician, singer, songwriter 1947, Sarah Jessica Parker, actress 1965.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play.
Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!" "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies. With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play.
Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
It was following the resurrection and disciples were still somewhat scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes a hold of John and calms him down.
Peter says, "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?" Amy explains, "That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" As she walks away, Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
A man was coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"
That's it for today, my little cherry blossoms. Remember, a politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
That's it for now. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !