Friday, March 8, 2013

Random Thoughts

I have come to the conclusion that if infant car seats and baby strollers were required in my day, my children would have probably been given up for adoption. This conclusion came yesterday as I attempted to help a young woman unload her groceries and two small children into what I will call (for lack of a better term) a mini-van.

The grocery unloading part was a snap. The requirements for safely installing said small children into said baby seats required the patience of a saint and the skill of an engineer. I possess neither trait. Between the children's continual protest and the snapping and fastening, I quickly realized that this was a process for which I would have little or no desire.

This incident took me back a few months when I happen to admire a little baby stroller that I saw on the street. The stroller seemed to have all the bells and whistles and when I inquired what the cost of the "stroller" was, the owner came up with a number that was so obscene that it took my breath away.

Evidently, to own the above described "necessities" today, one would have to take out a small loan. On the other hand, whoever who would have adopted my children surely would have had both the patience and the means.....

I don't buy toys for my cat because every time I purchase anything in a box, the cat plays for days on end in his new found adventure. That is, until the next time I come home with a new product in a box. Then, that box becomes his new favorite place. I now have seven (count 'em) boxes in my house and the cat plays from box to box.

His other main source of entertainment (other than eating and sleeping) is to sit beside me and stare at me. It boggles my mind how long he can just sit there and stare at me. If I move from my recliner to my computer station, he follows me over to the computer, sits down and continues to stare at me. I'm beginning to think that one of us is retarded.....

The News As I See It: All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns. Don't worry, there's another way get into the White House if you don't belong. Fake your birth certificate.

Venezuela's Hugo Chavez is dead. Sean Penn actually went down to Venezuela and met Chavez a few times. He's a polarizing figure that a lot of Americans really don't like. Chavez was, too. The people of Venezuela aren't sure who'll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher.

Obama has nominated Wal-Mart executive Sylvia Burwell to be his budget director. The President says he's excited by her experience at Wal-Mart. Burwell said she's excited to be making more than $9.85 per hour.

Hawaiian lawmakers passed a new law called the Steven Tyler Act. Basically the law gives men the right to gradually morph into old women. Actually it's designed to protect celebrities from paparazzi by making it illegal to take unwanted pictures or video of them in private to sell for profit. Isn't every photo of Steven Tyler an unwanted photo?

Horse meat was discovered in IKEA's meat balls last week. This morning, it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner again at their furniture store.

Coach Jimmy Johnson is suing Joe Theisman because Theisman's (fake) Super Beta Prostate pills are ruining the effect of Johnson's (fake) boner pills. They're going into business together and that way, they'll have them coming and going.

This Date In History: 1782; A peaceful settlement of Delaware Indians were massacred by militia at Gnadenhutten in Ohio. 1917; Russia's February Revolution, which eventually led to the overthrow the czarist government, began.

1945; Phyllis Mae Daley, the first African-American nurse to serve in World War II, received her U.S. Navy commission. 1948; The Supreme Court ruled that religious instruction in public schools violated the Constitution.

1950; The Soviet Union claimed to be in possession of the atomic bomb. 1965; First U.S. combat troops arrived in Vietnam. 1983; President Reagan called the USSR an "Evil Empire." 1999; Baseball Hall of Famer Joe DiMaggio died.

Picture Of The Day: So cute !

A wild macaque monkey has adopted an abandoned kitten in Bali. According to the photographer, the monkey didn't like it when she tried to take the picture, shielding the kitten from the lens.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry. I mean, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of his life? 2) I don't think I've done a computer system update since 1998 but I've clicked "maybe later" 1,287 times. 3) I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. 4) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 5) I hope that after I die, people will say of me, "That guy sure owed me a lot of money.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 8th: Heaven only knows what kinds of things are going to happen you today. All I'm able to tell you is that it's going to be hectic. It's hard though because that could just be what's on television tonight and not what's going to happen to you. It's a hard life being an astrologer and trying to see exactly what's going to happen to you and your absent minded ways.

Birthdays: Oliver Wendell Holmes, American Jurist 1841, Kenneth Grahame writer 1859, Otto Hahn chemist and physicist 1879, Alan Hale, Jr. actor 1918, Lynn Redgrave actress 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty "Roar!!" and I shit myself.

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same thing." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went '''Roar!!''

A completely drunk man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." The woman screamed. "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" The man muttered, "Funny, you even sound exactly like her."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Mother, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

His mother replied, "Because he was conceived during a storm." Then the boy asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" His mother answered,   "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? His mother said, "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived." The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why do you ask?"

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

She asked"What are you doing?" The daughter-in-law said,  "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work. I'm wearing my love dress." The mother-in-law said, "Love dress? You're naked!"

Her daughter-in-law said, "My husband loves me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end." The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

 He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. He asked, "What are you doing?" She whispered sensually, "This is my love dress." Her husband replied,  "It needs ironing....."

That's it for today, my little tidbits. Remember, never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Great Pictures tonight. Yep, Imma agree with you about dem car seat. I tried to unhook one and about, lost my religion, I did say one bad word.
Agree with the news, you are a very witty guy!
And I had to read the last day laundry statement to my neighbor, we all got a good laugh.
Hope you made it to Happy hour. Now just relapse.