Friday, March 1, 2013

The End Is Near

Obama folded his Mayan end of the world scare tactics today in a hastily called press conference to announce that sequestration is not the end of the world. The announcement came as he blamed the entire situation on the republicans, citing their lack of cooperation in coming to a mutual conclusion to resolve the problem.

Obama failed to mention the fact that he had "moved the goal posts" by changing the original sequester agreement by adding an increase in revenue (read: new taxes). This particular point was part of an Op-Ed article by Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward (who broke the Watergate Scandal during the Nixon presidency), who came forward to cite the fact that the idea for sequestration came from the Obama White House, a fact Obama continually denied until his own press secretary admitted that it was, in fact, true.

Woodward subsequently received a threatening email from an Obama cohort which raised even the eyebrows of even some liberal reporters and media sites. Naturally, Obama and his boot lick press secretary pooh-poohed the idea that the email was threatening.

As a reminder, sequestration is a 2.4% reduction in future spending. It does not cut the budget. As for the background people behind every speech, the first ones usually shown are firemen and police officers, who are paid by local government, not federal government.

As for Arne Duncan, the idiot who stated that thousands of pink slips were mailed to school teachers, fact checkers blew that lie out of the water so fast, that the author had to publicly eat his words the next day ("4 Pinocchios for Arne Duncan’s false claim of ‘pink slips’ for teachers" Source: Washinton Post: Fact Checkers).

Education Secretary Arne Duncan
The News As I See It: As you know, the Pope has stepped down and there’s a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite comes from an unknown applicant in the White house  whose slogan is, "Yes, We Vati-can."

The horse meat scandal keeps growing and it isn't happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn't quite pin a tail on it.

For the first time ever, NBC finished fifth in the ratings. Fifth! If they were a racehorse in England, they'd be a Burger King Whopper now. Fifth in the ratings! They are now behind the Spanish language channel Univision or as they call that in Los Angeles, "Cinco de Ratings." The ratings are so bad that today NBC called Manti Te'o to bring in some imaginary viewers.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

In his final speech before resigning, Pope Benedict said that he is not abandoning the Catholic Church. Like most Catholics, he'll be back for Christmas and Easter.

Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense, is already off to a bad start. He's going to bring all of the troops home from Afghanistan, but they're coming on a Carnival cruise.

Obama said this week that after four years as president, "You realize all the mistakes you've made." So apparently he does watch Fox News.

This Date In History: 1790; The U.S. Congress authorized the first census. 1803; Ohio became the 17th state in the United States. 1864; Rebecca Lee was the first black woman awarded a medical degree.

1867; Nebraska became the 37th state in the United States. 1872; Yellowstone became the world's first National Park. 1932; The 20-month-old son of Charles Lindbergh was kidnapped.

1961; President John F. Kennedy signed a signed an executive order establishing the Peace Corps. 1981; IRA member Bobby Sands began a hunger strike in Maze Prison; he would die 65 days later.

Picture Of The Day: Beautiful.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom. 2) My friend's wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So he went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back. 3) The thing my brother loves most about this hot Florida weather is the short skirts and low tops although they do make him look a bit gay. 4) Men should feel sorry for Olympic soccer players. We know what it's like to try to score for 90 minutes and get nowhere. 5) I went to a bar with my girlfriend Wednesday night. Girls I know were shouting "cradle robber"and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 30 years younger than me. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 1st: Your weaknesses may turn out to be your strengths today and you'll find yourself easily swayed by nonsense that you read online. Don't confuse dumb waiters with Aghanistani asylum seekers. They're normally taxi drivers. Sex on the beach is not an act, it's a drink.....most of the time.

Birthdays: Frederic Chopin, composer 1810, Augustus Saint-Gaudens, sculptor 1848, Glenn Miller, bandleader, and composer 1904, David Niven, actor 1910, Robert Lowell, poet 1917, Yitzhak Rabin, Israeli Prime Minister 1922, Harry Belafonte, singer, actor 1927.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water, splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnesses the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy replies, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

A Chicago couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese boy. The couple took him without hesitation.

On the way back home, they stopped by the local college to enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "May I ask you a question? What ever possessed you to study Japanese?" The man said proudly, "In a year or so, our adopted son will start to talk. We want to be able to understand him."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Two men are talking and one man says to the other, "I went for my routine checkup today." His friend asked, "Is everything okay?" The man said, "Everything was going fine until he stuck his finger up my ass."

His friend smiled and said, "That's normal procedure." The man replied, "So you don't think I should change dentists?"

The phone rang at the front desk of the hotel and the desk clerk answered, "Treymor Hotel, how can I help you?" A man answered, "You have to send someone up to my room immediately. My wife and I just had an argument and she says she's going to jump out of the window."

The clerk says. "Well sir, I'll try to send someone up to your room but that's really a personal matter." The man replied, "Listen here sir, the window won't open and that's a maintenance matter!" 

That's it for today, my little mushroom caps. Remember, bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. I'm going to AREA 51 for drinks.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I am so glad I do not watch the news anymore. Yours is much wittier and succinct than I remember ever betting on the networks.

Oh on the Dentist, thing. maybe the guy should change dentists, unless...

Dang the guys luck about the window thing. LOL Enjoyed the read. I B still laughing.

Rose said...

I'm with Jack. I don't watch the News anymore.

The Politicians make me sick. It's like a bunch of little boys not playing nice in the playground.

Wish we didn't have any political parties.....just a Congress that all care about the people and our country.

And they get paid for this??????