Happy Birthday Willie !

Willie Nelson says his birthday is today although Texas State records say it's April 30th. I'm going with Willie though and wishing him a happy birthday today. Willie was born on April (29-30), 1933 in Abbot, Texas.

Over the years, Willie's had a lot of hit records including "On the Road Again", "To All the Girls I've Loved Before", and "Pancho and Lefty".

Willie is also a prolific song writer having wrote songs that would become country standards, including "Funny How Time Slips Away", "Hello Walls", "Pretty Paper", and "Crazy". Willie also wrote the hit song "Night Life" which he sold for $150 in tight times. Ray Price eventually recorded the song and it became a number one hit. So happy birthday to "The Red Headed Stranger" Willie Nelson and keep the songs coming !

So you wake up in your luxury bed, slide out of your luxury sheets to get into your luxury shower, you pour a cup of luxury coffee, and add some luxury sugar, then put on you luxury suit.....yada, yada, yada. Then you leave your luxury home and get into.......an Acura? At what point in time did I forget the idea and definition of luxury? I had to Google luxury. Nope, no Acura pictures there.....

The News As I See It: A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it's better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter

All five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count the Hillary-Michelle ticket in 2016.

Plans are being discussed in California to let illegal immigrants serve on juries. Talk about doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do! It’s all yours, thanks.

The United States Treasury announced that they will put into circulation a newly designed $100 bill in October. Of course, by that time, it should be worth about 50 bucks, but that's ok.

This Date In History: 1429; Joan of Arc entered the city of Orléans. She would end its months-long siege and would become known as the "Maid of Orléans." 1916; The Easter rebellion in Ireland ended with the surrender of Irish nationalists.

1945; American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp. 1978; Japan's Naomi Uemura, traveling by sled dog, became the first person to reach the North Pole alone. 1980; Film director Alfred Hitchcock died at age of 80.

1986; Pitcher Roger Clemens set a major league baseball record by striking out 20 batters in a regular nine-inning game. He repeated his feat in 1996. 1992; A Los Angeles jury acquitted four police officers accused of beating Rodney King. Massive rioting and looting ensued.

1997; The first joint U.S.-Russian space walk was made by Jerry Linenger and Vasily Tsibliyev from space station Mir. 2011; Kate Middleton marries Prince William in a lavish royal wedding at Westminster Abbey in London.

Picture Of The Day: Willie Nelson - Rock on !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you see me running you'd better join me because it’s just something I don’t do. 2) So he asked me, "Do you have any drugs or alcohol on you?" I answered, "Yep, I'm all set. Thanks Officer" 3) Some advice for young parents answering their children's future questions, "Dad, why did your generation find a fat Korean guy singing and pretending to ride a horse entertaining?" (You): "I don't know son, I just don't know." 4) Forrest Gump's Facebook account has been hacked. His password was "1forrest1". 5) My girlfriend and I went camping this weekend in her SUV and two raccoons got in the car. Long story short, if you see two coons speeding in a 2011 Jeep Cherokee, email me.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 29th: Just as small peppers are supposed to be the hottest, there may be a small person who's ready to heat up your life. Watch out for the seeds though, they cause problems.

Birthdays: William Randolph Hearst, American journalist and publisher 1863, Sir Thomas Beecham, conductor 1879, Duke Ellington, musician 1899, Hirohito, Japanese emperor 1901, Zubin Mehta, conductor 1936, Dale Earnhardt, auto racer 1951, Jerry Seinfeld, comedian 1955, Michelle Pfeiffer, actress 1958, Daniel Day-Lewis, actor 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs.

Finally, after she had crossed her legs enough times, her husband asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" She answered with a seductive smile, Yes." Her husband replied, "Thank God. For a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa." (He never heard the gunshot.)

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young woman walked into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest replied, "Confess you sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night, my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest said,"Squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice." The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest answered, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

Two cows were grazing on the side of a hill and one turned to the other and said, "Mooo." The other cow replied, "Damn, I was just going to say that."

That's it for today, my little rosebuds. Remember, don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

I'll Be Back !

I like to fish for large mouth bass in the lakes and canals near my house. I release what I catch. Two days ago, I hooked a nice bass and was working it in when I noticed a gator making a beeline for my bass. This irritated me because the gator chased the bass into some bushes and I lost the bass. So did the gator.

I'm not afraid of gators. If you give them room and they give you room, there's rarely any trouble. The problem is that in order to get to the little hole where that big bass lives, I have to wade into the water to get close enough to make a cast.

I'm not afraid of wading into alligator infested waters. I've fished in waters before in the Everglades that was loaded with both bass and gators. I just try to make sure that none of the gators are too big. Mother didn't raise no fool.

Today, I went after the bass again and sure enough, the gator was in the area but he was quiet. I waded over to the bass hole and on my first cast, I hooked the bass again. As I reeled the bass toward me, I didn't see the gator which made me nervous.

Needless to say, I continued to horse the bass toward me as I backed up briskly to shore. Then it happened. About ten feet from shore, I stepped into a hole and fell backwards nearly dropping my rod. As I quickly recovered, I grabbed my rod, but I had lost the bass (again).

As I trudged towards shore, I happened to look across the lake for the gator and there he was. He had climbed up onto the shore to sun himself and I can almost swear he was laughing at me.....

Sad to hear the news that country music legend George Jones passed away at the age of 81. Mr. Jones had five number one hits in five separate decades. Rest In peace George Jones.

The News As I See It: All five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama said he picked up some ideas for when he builds his. It's going to be called the “Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.”

The NFL draft is going on now. This is the time when college football players go from being paid under the table to being paid over the table. Manti Te'o, the kid from Notre Dame who had the imaginary girlfriend, will be taken in the first round according to his imaginary agent.

The New York Jets say they will take the best  black athlete available in the draft, which is the same strategy the Kardashian sisters use.

This Date In History: 1607; Colonists land at Cape Henry, Virginia. They would found Jamestown the next month. 1865; John Wilkes Booth, Lincoln’s assassin, was surrounded by federal troops in a barn in Virginia. He was shot and killed, either by the soldiers or by his own hand.

1937; The German Luftwaffe (air force) destroyed the Spanish town of Guernica. 1964; Tanganyika and Zanzibar joined to form Tanzania. 1986; The worst nuclear power plant accident in history occurred at Chernobyl, near Kiev, U.S.S.R.

1994; The first multi-racial elections were held in South Africa. 2000; Vermont Governor Howard Dean signed the nation's first bill allowing same-sex couples to form civil unions.

Picture Of The Day: It's been a strange day, thus strange pictures. Some adages, however, were clearly proven true when Smokey the Bear was photographed by the pooparazzi during an untimely, private moment.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. I like happy endings. 2) I think running in front of cars is some sort of gang initiation for squirrels. 3) If you play a game with your girlfriend where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with, choose a celebrity and not "Liz from Accounting." 4) If I ever go missing and there's a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking in any gyms. 5) When I ask my girlfriend if she wants sex, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist or something.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 26th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting, "It's not my fault, I'm looking for temptation!" Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you're gonna need some beholdin' today.

Birthdays: My pals Frantz and Jeannie Happy Birthday 19XX, John James Audubon, American ornithologist 1785, Eugène Delacroix painter 1798, Frederick Law Olmsted landscape architect 1822, Ma Rainey blues musician 1886, I. M. Pei architect 1917, Carol Burnett comedienne 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One morning, a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy said, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I do?"

Mabel reached up to her ear, pulled out the suppository and stared at it. Then she said, "I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded "yes". The coach said, "so, I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?" The little boy nodded "yes" again.

The coach went on, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass or shithead' is it?" The little boy shook his head "No". The coach said, "Good! Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

Mister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back? Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

That's it for today, my little canaries. Remember, "In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress." - John Adams. I'll be in AREA 51 for happy hour. Stop by and have a drink.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

More Random Thoughts (Afternoon scotch edition)

If you're wondering why the usual Wednesday Jimmy's Journal blog post is being posted on a Thursday, then you've never had a a few afternoon scotches with an old friend at the local watering hole. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.....

If you have a wireless phone or land line phone, your paying for other people to get free phones. Sometimes referred to as an "Obama Phone", the cost is deducted from your monthly bill. The average deduction is around $2.50 per month.

What started out as an effort by President Reagan to help poor people in rural areas have a phone in cases of emergency has mushroomed into what critics suspect is a new welfare program. The cost has gone from $143 million a few years ago to $2.2 billion today. Republican Louisiana Senator David Vitter said that today's cost is 15 times what it originally was.

The cost of the program increased dramatically after cellphones were added in 2008. Only low-income people on welfare and food stamps legally qualify, but some lawmakers say the program is out of control.

The Mississippi River is overflowing its banks in low lying areas like it does (surprise) every year. The area is (you'll pardon the expression) awash with media and reporters searching for mud puddles to stand in to do their reports. Flood victims vow to return to the same low level areas and rebuild, hopefully in time for next year's floods.

Angie's List is a website that aggregates verified consumer reviews of service companies as a way to "capture word-of-mouth wisdom". The concept behind the website is to certify their data collection process by only allowing paid and registered subscribers to access the website to prevent anonymous or biased reviews. So, I'm reasonably sure that the Aunt Sara(s) and Uncle Bill(s) of the "service companies" would never write a rave review of their nephew's company.

"Al-Qaeda" is on the run and Osama bin Laden is dead." In your own vernacular.....say what, Barry? What, what?

 

The News As I See It: Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon got arrested for disorderly conduct after she gave police a hard time for arresting her husband for DUI. She admitted that she had been drinking. She kept saying to the cop, “Do you know who I am?” Of course, the cops put two and two together, "Let's see.....actress, drunk.....Lindsay Lohan?"

A West Virginia man has been sentenced to seven years in prison for stealing Obama's teleprompter. When contacted, Obama had no comment......well, he did, but they were on the teleprompter.

U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he's a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery and obsessed with NBA basketball payers. It’s a condition we know as "Kardashianism."

NBC sportscaster Al Michaels was arrested over the weekend for DUI. His blood alcohol level was .08. Of course, NBC was ecstatic. .08 is the highest number anybody on this network has gotten in years.

A company in California has started selling a new cologne that smells like whiskey. That's not new. My dad wore that cologne for 40 years.

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It's like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar.

A Florida woman crashed her car into a Target store. In her defense, the store did have a giant target on it.

This Date In History: 1800; Library of Congress was established. 1898; Spain declared war on the U.S. 1915; Turks began deportation of Armenians that led to the massacre of between 600,000 and 1.5 million Armenians.

1916; The Easter Rebellion begins in Dublin, Ireland. Although unsuccessful, the uprising was an important symbolic event leading to the establishment of the Republic of Ireland.

1953; Winston Churchill was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. 1990; The shuttle Discovery blasted off with the Hubble Space Telescope.

Picture Of The Day: Santa Marta, Colombia.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour. 2) Buy one annoying person, get two free! - In-laws. 3) In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to cook, sew or knit, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors. 4) I gave my girlfriend a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands softer. 5) I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 23rd: Today might be the day when you get stuck in a hole with a dwarf. Remember all the research you did into dwarf habits in order to prevent mental anguish or breakdown. Everything you feel about yourself will be confirmed today as you're put through the mill and emerge victorious. Don't trust any plastic surgeon who has Picasso paintings in his waiting room.

Birthdays: My pal Susie - Happy Birthday 19XX, Anthony Trollope novelist 1815, John R. Pope architect 1874, Willem de Kooning artist 1904, Robert Penn Warren, American novelist, poet, and critic 1905, Shirley MacLaine actress 1934, Barbra Streisand performer 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. The teacher asked, "What's your name?"  He replied, "Mohammad." The teacher said, You're in America now, so from now on you will be known as Kevin."

Mohammad returned home after school and his mother asked, "How was your day, Mohammad?" He answered, "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in America and now my name is Kevin."

His mother said, "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises and asked, "What happened to you, Kevin?" He replied, "Well ma'am, not too well. The first thing that happened after becoming an American, I was attacked by two f**king Arabs."

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The new blonde employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. A fellow worker asked her, "Need some help?" The blonde replied,  "Yes, how does this thing work?"

The coworker took the bulky report from her hands and began feeding it into the shredder. The blonde said, "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main Street, he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

The reverend said sternly. "Mrs. Fitzgerald,this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Mrs. Fitzgerald said, "Sure," with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded and said, "Hell, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

That's it for today, my little butter cups. Remember, there are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading, the ones who learn by observation and the rest who have to touch the fire to learn that it's hot. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

The Miranda Delimma

The odds of capturing any future terrorists alive is waning and will continue to wane until the government and lawmakers can mutually agree to a method of arresting and questioning said terrorist suspects. This particular way of thinking is on the increase and, unfortunately, the lives of innocent suspects who may have found themselves compromised, are at risk.

The politics of the right to be Mirandized and what constitutes an enemy combatant will only cloud the future as to whether to attempt to capture a suspect dead or alive.

The reasoning is quite clear as it is of major importance to question any suspect(s) to ascertain if other groups or pending activities may be on the horizon.

Nidal Hassan, the asshole that has been charged in the mass shooting of soldiers at Fort Hood with 13 counts of premeditated murder and 32 counts of attempted murder isn't scheduled to begin trial until May 29, 2013. The shooting has been classified as "workplace violence" instead of a terrorist act.

So what's the incentive of capturing a murder suspect alive? The answer is there is no reason! When in doubt, shoot first, ask questions later !

The News As I See It: There's a big movie opening, one of those science fiction epics. It's called "Oblivion" and stars Tom Cruise. Tom is an intergalactic soldier who spends his days fighting aliens. I have no idea what he plays in the movie.

I think "Oblivion" is going to be a return to form for Tom Cruise. Because he hasn't been in a big-budget fantasy project like this since . . . his marriage.

It's hard to believe that Tom Cruise is 49 years old. He's the same age Wilford Brimley was when he played an old guy in "Cocoon."

"Oblivion" takes place in the year 2077. Humans have abandoned earth. But strangely, Jay Leno is still hosting "The Tonight Show."

This Date In History: 1500; Pedro Alvares Cabral discovered Brazil and claimed it for Portugal. 1509; Henry VIII became king of England. 1616; The Spanish poet Cervantes died in Madrid. (Some sources say April 23.)

1864; Congress authorized the inscription "In God We Trust" on coins minted as U.S. currency. 1889; The land rush in Oklahoma began when it was opened to settlers. 1970; The first Earth Day was observed.

1994; Richard M. Nixon died of a stroke at the age of 81. 2000; Armed immigration agents took Elian Gonzalez from the Miami home of his relatives to reunite him with his father.

Picture Of The Day: .....and now we know.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 3) The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 4) Quit blaming your smart phone's auto-correct! You meant to say "furbenglurbrn." 5)  do not Twitter or tweet although I once slept with a lovely English bird who chirped.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 22nd: The morning will be full of fun and sunshine. Plants may be out to get you today, so look to buying some kind of weed-killer. When "taking out the trash" remember that blood stains don't easily wash out of white shirts. Your ability to think up lies on the spot may be challenged this week. Don't be afraid to run really fast - problems will catch up, but at least you've given yourself a few minutes to think up some bullshit explanation.

Birthdays: Isabella I, Spanish queen of Castile and León (1474–1504) 1451, Henry Fielding author 1707, Immanuel Kant philosopher 1724, Vladimir Lenin Russian revolutionary, 1870, Vladimir Nabokov author 1899, J. Robert Oppenheimer nuclear physicist 1904, Charles Mingus jazz musician 1922, Bettie Page model, pinup 1923, Jack Nicholson actor 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A married couple scheduled their medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner. After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?"

The old man. "In fact, I do. After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly." The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man.

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in El Paso, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian, another is a Texas cowboy and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward and sneers "Once my people were few and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A man and his wife were hiking when a large brown bear came charging out of nowhere. Evidently it was a female because they had noticed two cubs earlier in the hike. Fortunately the man had a small jetfire pistol which may have saved his life.

Just one round to his wife's kneecap and that was all it took. The bear got his wife and he was able to escape by briskly walking away. He tearfully said it was of the best firearms in his collection.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

A voice answered, "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" Father O'Malley said, "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of da matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Stomach: I'm hungry. Brain: Chill out, dude, I'm in a meeting. Stomach: I will now demonstrate a whale's mating call.....

That's it for today, my little fireflies. Remember, we never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The Nightmare Is Over !

Police captured Dzhokhar Tsarnaev this evening ending the search for the Boston Marathon bombing suspects. His brother 26-year-old Tamerlan, was killed Friday. The only better ending to the story would be that both brothers were killed.

Experts say that is is better that the brother was captured alive so that they can ascertain why the bombings and killings occurred. Personally, I know why they happened and one less asshole in this world better serves my purpose.

This time of terrorist actions will continue in the future and it's up to the American public how it will be handled. I keep an eye on everyone and if, for example, large numbers of Irish people are going around killing people, then I'm going to reserve my trust for Irish people.

The same is true for Blacks, Muslims, Jews or any other group that may or may not have bad intentions. "Politically Correct" is not a term included in my vocabulary. "Shoot first and ask questions later" better fits my survival techniques and attitudes.

Kudos to the countless Americans who did what they were told to do in this horrible tragedy and also to the roadside public for applauding every police officer, firefighter and other officials who drove their cars away from the scene after this 24 hour ordeal. My prayers go out to the Marathon bombing victims, the fallen police officers and all of their families.....

Dzhokhar being transported to hospital

The News As I See It: Daffy Duck recently turned 76 years old. I like Daffy Duck. He is much edgier than Donald Duck. Donald may not wear pants, but Daffy doesn't wear anything. Daffy is set apart by his bad attitude. He doesn't care if people like him. He's kind of my hero. He is right up there as one of my favorite cartoon characters, right up there with Scooby Doo and Joe Biden.

It's been reported that Sharon Osbourne is not going to reconcile with Ozzy Osbourne until he proves to her that he can stay sober. After hearing this, Ozzy said, "Who's Sharon Osbourne?"

Chicago has approved a $500 million renovation to the Chicago Cubs’ Wrigley Field. The upgrade will include a new video screen, enhanced lighting and an entirely different baseball team.

Obama offered to wash senators' car if it would lead to an immigration bill. Senators then told Obama, “If you're going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?

This Date In History: 1775; The "shot heard around the world" was fired. Colonial Minute Men took on British Army regulars at Lexington and Concord, Massachusetts, starting the American Revolution. 1824; Lord Byron died of a fever while helping the Greeks fight the Turks.

1882; Naturalist Charles Darwin, developer of the theory of evolution, died. 1897; The first Boston Marathon was run. 1933; The United States went off the gold standard. 1943; The Warsaw ghetto uprising began, one of the first mass rebellions against the Nazis.

1993; The siege at Waco, Texas, ended when FBI moved into the Branch Davidian compound with tear gas and cult members set fire to the compound killing over 80 people.

1995; The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Okla., was destroyed by a car bomb. 168 people, including 19 children were killed in the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history up to that time. 2005; Germany's Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger became Pope Benedict XVI.

Picture Of The Day: Location of house in Waterford, Massachusetts where capture took place.

Covered boat where suspect was apprehended (Google)

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks. 2) My friend bought a pedigree dog for $300. I told him, "Give me $300 and I'll shit on your carpet."  3) The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping for shoes. 4) Children can be so annoying. How many times can you go, "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel. 5) I saw  Adele on YouTube singing her song, "Rolling In The Deep". She should add "Fried Chicken" to the title.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 19th: Feel welcome to share your inner most secrets with your entire family and friends. They will adore you for your spectacular honesty and may only exclude you from certain holidays and special events. 

Birthdays: My grand niece Taylor - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Sarah Kemble Knight, teacher 1666, Roger Sherman, political leader 1721, Eliot Ness, Federal agent 1903, Glenn Seaborg, chemist 1912, Dudley Moore, actor, comedian, composer 1935, Kate Hudson, actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On his way home from work, Murray stopped at a pharmacy to purchase a thermometer, When advised by the pharmacist that they were out of oral thermometers, Murray hesitantly purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Since Murray and never used one, he asked the pharmacist about the procedure.

The pharmacist said, "When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature, follow the instructions and you'll be fine."

With great reservation, Murray did as instructed, then carefully inserted the thermometer wincing as it slowly went in. After a the waiting period, Murray slowly removed the thermometer and read the temperature, which turned out to be normal, As he sat in his chair, trying to calm down and relax, he noticed that on the literature, in small print, there was a statement that read: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."

Murray leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes and said aloud, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

The Head Gardner at the White House has been fired. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service to many US Presidents.

In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the Presidential Residence, Mr. Whitey, an elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.

Mr Whitney said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' The next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Johnny for his contribution to today's stories.

A lady reporter asked a man at a bar, "Do you drink beer every day?" The man replied, "Yes." The lady inquired, "How much beer a day? The man said, "Around 3 six-packs starting at noon." The lady asked, "How much does a 6-pack cost?" The man said, "Roughly $10.00 at the deli."

The lady Interviewer continued, "And how long have you been drinking like that?" The man answered, "Around 15 years." The lady said, "So with a six-pack costing $10.00 and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?" The man said, "Correct."

The lady Interviewer inquired, "If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000. Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

The man asked the lady, "Do you drink?" The lady Interviewer replied, "No." The man said, "So where's your f**kin' Ferrari?"

A flea walks into a travel agent's office and says to the woman behind the desk, "I've been working very hard this year and I want to book a vacation." The travel agent replies. "Sure, we've got a great one that I can book for you, it's seven days on Ringo Starr's hair. He's in Nice so should plenty of sun, beach and good food."

Four days later the flea comes back to the travel agent and says,  "It was rubbish, he's a drummer, it was loud and he spent all day sleeping and only went out at night" The travel agent says, "Well, Omar Sharif is in Monte Carlo, I'll book you in for seven days on his moustache. There should be plenty of fresh air, sun and beautiful women."

Again the flea returns after four days and says, "Omar Sharif plays bridge all day and never left the casino, I didn't see the sun once." The travel agent says, "Ok, I've got a special for you. Bridget Bardot is in St Tropez, shall I book you in for a week on her muff?" The flea says, "That sounds amazing."

Four days later the flea once again walked into the travel agency. The travel agent asked, "Whats wrong? Did you not like Bridget Bardot?" The flea said, "No she was wonderful, she spent all day lounging in the sun, waited on hand and foot, eating wonderful food and meeting beautiful people"

The travel agent said, "What's wrong why are you back here two days early?" The flea said, "Well, it's strange. I was sleeping on Bardot's muff and the next thing I know, I woke up back in Monte Carlo on Omar Sharif's Moustache!"

That's it for today, my little petit pois'. Remember, hard work has a future payoff but laziness pays off now. I'm going to AREA 51 for drinks.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !