Friday, May 10, 2013
Gentlemen? Not Applicable For Handcuffed Felons !
It really irritates me when television reporters or other media types refer to the perpetrator of a crime as a "gentleman". By definition, a gentleman is defined as: (1) a man who combines gentle birth or rank with chivalrous qualities. (2) a man whose conduct conforms to a high standard of propriety or correct behavior.
The hair on my neck stands up when I see a person in handcuffs being put into a police squad car for a major violation of the law and the reporter says, "The gentleman is being arrested for breaking the law." What the reporter should say is, "This 'man' is being arrested and booked for armed robbery."
Then again, if I were the reporter, I'd be saying, "This asshole was busted for robbing a liquor store and pistol whipping the clerk. Now they'll be taking his sorry ass to jail and I hope they put him under it." But, that's just me.....
Next year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day. It is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog.
The News As I See It: Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in.
Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, "I now have six free hours a day I don't know what to do with."
Long John Silver's has just hired a new executive to revamp their menu. For starters, he said they're going to start experimenting with something called fish.
A giant African land snail was found. Authorities are worried there could be more. They can chew through stucco, and they carry potentially deadly meningitis. So far the snails have been found in Florida, Texas and in the meatballs at IKEA. The snails have no natural predators. In fact, city officials are considering bringing in giant French people to eat them.
Do you know what cicadas are? Every 17 years cicadas come up out of the ground and then they attack everything. There back, but they don't have their original drummer. This year they're expecting a trillion cicadas. Mayor Bloomberg is advising New Yorkers to move their marijuana plants indoors.
Alaska has some weird laws in Alaska. It is against the law in Alaska to awaken a sleeping bear. Who's going to break that law? "Hey Joe, I've had a couple of drinks so I'm going to wake a sleeping bear."
Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware.
This Date In History: 1775; Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys captured Fort Ticonderoga from the British. 1863; Confederate General Stonewall Jackson died after being accidentally shot by his own troops.
1869; The United States’ first transcontinental railroad was completed with a ceremony in Promontory Summit, Utah. 1924; J. Edgar Hoover became director of the FBI.
1940; Winston Churchill succeeded Neville Chamberlain as British prime minister. 1994; Nelson Mandela was sworn in as South Africa's first black president.
Picture Of The Day: Self Explanatory.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I told my girlfriend that she needed to spend less time with her dog. She hasn't bitten the mailman yet but she's starting to circle three times before sitting down. 2) When drinking, I suggest that you don't raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you're finishing a marathon. 3) The best advice I can give to parents of young children is to show them before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say, "this girl didn't think she needed a nap either." 4) By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws, nuts and bolts. I have none. What have I done with my life? 5) I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk and the light is low and there's no other dudes around and you have low standards......and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 10th: The gift you have that allows you to speak to the animals will be useful today as you explain to your girlfriend's dog that his constant silent flatulence is almost always blamed on you. His knowing smile tends to make you believe that he is aware of the situation. I suggest bribing him with doggie treats.
Birthdays: Sir Thomas Johnstone Lipton merchant 1850, Fred Astaire dancer 1899, David O. Selznick film producer 1902, Milton Babbitt composer 1916, Bono singer 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A grandfather and his twelve-year-old grandson were sitting in a park, watching other children and their mothers enjoy a beautiful spring day.
The old man told his grandson, "One day, you'll find a woman and start your own family. And son, be sure you marry a woman with small hands." His grandson said, "How come, Grandpa?" The old man smiled and said, "It makes your pecker look bigger."
An older woman is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure, lady."
No sooner than they get out of the store, she leans over and says to the boy, "You know I've got an itchy pussy." The boy responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account." To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" The man said, "Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now." The teller said, "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" The man says, "There's no damned problem. I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin' checking account in this damn bank!" The manager said, "I see, sir, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
An airline pilot hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying American airlines."
In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" The pilot said, "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Breaking News: Pot calls kettle "black". "Racial tension at boiling point" says mayor of kitchen cupboard.
That's it for today, my little dandy lions. Remember, light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. I'm going to mosey on over to AREA 51 for happy hour and drunk women (kidding, they can just be tipsy).
That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !