Friday, May 31, 2013

Scientists Discover 10,000-Year-Old Woolly Mammoth Carcass

On Wednesday, Russian scientists reported that they had extracted blood from a 10,000-year-old woolly mammoth carcass discovered frozen in the Arctic. The researchers estimated that the prehistoric mammal was about 60 when it died, according to North-Eastern Federal University in Yakutsk.

The mammoth was found in a remote location in the New Siberian Islands in the Arctic Ocean, where temperatures can dip to minus 14 degrees (Fahrenheit). It is believed that the mammoth fell into water or got bogged down in a swamp, could not free itself and died.

Due to this fact, when the team broke the ice around the lower part of the  mammoth's belly, they were surprised to see dark, thick blood flow out.

Also recovered with the mammoth was a female, believed to be it's owner. After tracing the bloodline, it is believed that the extended family relationship was that of my ex-mother-in-law.

After responding to a letter that I wrote to the University, Experts now agree that the mammoth did not fall into the swamp. It is believed that it could not take any more of it's owner's constant blabbering and committed suicide by jumped into the ocean, dragging my ageless great (to the tenth power) ex-mother-in-law with it.

The News As I See It: Last night was the finals of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. The finals were broadcast on ESPN. You'd think something like this would be on The Learning Channel. Then again, you'd think The Learning Channel wouldn't show "Honey Boo Boo."

Tuesday was the 60th anniversary of the first two men climbing Mount Everest, Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay. Everest is the world's tallest mountain at 29,000 feet. The top of Mount Everest is called the death zone. If you stay there, your body doesn't get enough oxygen. You can quickly spiral into a black depression that feels like you're dying while still being conscious. There's a similar place in California called Los Angeles.

Over Memorial Day weekend, "Fast and Furious 6" made a gazillion dollars. The star of these movies is Vin Diesel. In the new movie, Vin and his crew come out of retirement for "one last job." Which, if I'm not mistaken, is what they did in the last two movies and probably the next two as well. The movie also stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. The dialogue was in incomprehensible gibberish with English subtitles.

This Date In History: 1790; The first U.S. Copyright Law was enacted, protecting books, maps, and other original materials. 1889; Heavy rains caused the South Fork Dam to collapse, sending 20 million tons of water into Johnstown, Pa. Over 2,200 people were killed and the town was nearly destroyed.

1911; The hull of the Titanic was launched in Belfast. At the ceremony, a White Star Line employee claimed, "Not even God himself could sink this ship." 1961; South Africa became an independent republic.

1962; Former Gestapo official Adolf Eichmann was hanged in Israel. 1970; An earthquake in Peru left more than 50,000 dead. 2004; Alberta Martin, 97, one of the last widows of a U.S. Civil War veteran, died. She had married Confederate veteran William Martin in 1927 when she was 21 and he was 81.

2010; Nine people are dead after an Israeli navy commando attacks a flotilla of cargo ships and passenger boats on their way to Gaza to provide aid and supplies for the area.

Picture Of The Day: Forget Darwin, all men know where we come from..... 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend's resolution this year was to learn Spanish. I asked him how long he's been at it and he said, "dos weekos". 2) Where do I indicate on my donor card that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?” 3) What am I gonna do with a river? Could you cry me a beer? 4) I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was break dancing at my bank. 5) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 31st: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the love that you hold in your heart. This may cause your teeth to hurt as well. Spiders have undeniable, but ultimately useless fact when the vacuum cleaner strikes! Do not trust a naked bus driver!

Birthdays: Walt Whitman, poet 1819, Norman Vincent Peale, clergyman 1898, Rainier III, prince of Monaco 1923, Clint Eastwood, actor, director, producer 1930, Joe Namath, American Player 1943, Brooke Shields, actress, model 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16-gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he regained consciousness....

And there was his doctor, Sven, who said, "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of DA buckshot." Ole asked, "What's the bad news?"

Doctor Sven said, "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena." Ole said, "Well, I guess that isn't too bad. Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" Doctor Sven replied, "No, she's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

The old man said to his pal, "Shot my first turkey yesterday!" His pal said, "You? I didn't know you hunted." The old man said, "Yep, Got him on my first shot. Scared the crap outta everyone in the frozen food section, though."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. He asked the doctor, "Why are all the blinds closed?" The surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him."

The officer continued, "Then, I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me To Sunday-School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

That's it for today, my little junebugs. Remember, single people always champion being single until they meet someone special. Then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus. I'm going to mosey on over to AREA 51 for happy hour. It's been a while since I last moseyed.

No animals were harmed in the composition and subsequent publishing of Jimmy's Journal, although the yippy little mutt next door is living on borrowed time.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Imma thinking someone in your in-laws family was ugly!

Love the news and the printables again, but the Birthdays knocked me out, dats a whole loet of famous folk on the same day! I love Walt, ‘specially his candy!

I Like the monkey looking picture, NOT the monkey ‘looking!”
I DO UNDERSTAND the yippy little mutt next door comment!
Good read, enjoyed the visit.

Paula said...

Like that stolen car joke. Bet you're having fun 'bout now at Area 51. Good for you.