Friday, May 17, 2013

Orb Headlines Saturday's Preakness Stakes Field - Obama Scratched

Saturday is the running of the Preakness Stakes and Kentucky Derby winner Orb has drawn the number one post position and is the odds-on favorite. Trainer Shug McGaughey, who won his first Kentucky Derby this year, will try to take the next step toward winning the Triple Crown when he saddles Kentucky Derby winner Orb in the Preakness Stakes.

With jockey Joel Rosario up, Orb is the even-money favorite to win the Preakness and McGaughey feels he has the horse to win the second jewel. If Orb wins Saturday, he would head to New York for the Belmont Stakes on June 8 trying to become just the 12th Triple Crown winner ever.

Orb wins the 2013 Kentucky Derby going away
On a sad note: former Nascar driver Dick Trickle apparently committed suicide on Friday. Trickle won over 1,000 short track races in his career and was a constant high finisher in Nascar.

One of my favorite stories about Trickle was that he was a chain smoker and actually had an electric lighter installed in his race car so that he could light a cigarette when the race was under caution. Dick Trickle was 71 years old. Rest in peace, racer.

The News As I See It: Obama is not having a good week. You've got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, the AP records scandal and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS.

With three scandals shaking the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama's presidency. Obama was like, "How could things get worse?" And Joe Biden was like, "You rang?"

The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don't worry. If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They've gone from "Change you can believe in" to "Changing the story until you believe it."

Vice President Joe Biden said in an interview this week that he spends four or five hours every day with Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision he's ever made.

Since Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, "Well, I did promise change."

Barbara Walters is stepping down after 50 years in television. One of my favorite video clips came from footage that just surfaced from 1962 of the young Barbara as an undercover Playboy Bunny. You can tell it was Barbara because she keeps asking men if they want their drinks "on the wocks."

O.J. Simpson is in court this week trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, "I'm tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am."

Simpson took the witness stand. He's serving up to 33 years on armed robbery, assault, and kidnapping charges. He won't be eligible for parole until 2017 and who knows if we'll have even have "Dancing With the Stars" by then.

China announced that it will no longer buy recycled trash from the United States. I don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China.

This Date In History: 1792; The New York Stock Exchange was established when a group of 24 brokers and merchants met by a tree on what is now Wall Street and signed the Buttonwood Agreement.

1875; The first Kentucky Derby was held at Churchill Downs, in Louisville, Kentucky. 1938; NBC aired the Information Please quiz show on the radio for the first time. 1954 The Supreme Court ruled unanimously against segregation in schools in Brown v. Board of Education.

1973; Televised Watergate hearings opened, headed by North Carolina senator Sam Ervin. 1987; An Iraqi warplane attacked the U.S.S. Stark in the Persian Gulf, killing 37 American sailors and wounding 62.

Picture Of The Day: This painting struck my fancy and musical whims. I hope you enjoy it.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hate that moment when I'm driving and tweeting and I look up and notice that I'm in the Atlantic Ocean. 2) My girlfriend got her tongue pierced and I asked her why? She said, "To enhanthe the thektual thtimulathon." 3) I caught my crazy "ex" going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon. 4) My girlfriend's smart phone has GPS. It learned to say "Your other left." 5) If I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're obligated to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's referred to as Squid Pro Quo.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 17th: That tingly little feeling you get when you like someone is actually your common sense leaving your body. Make tomorrow more fun. Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says, "now voice activated." Then, sit back and watch the magic unfold.

Birthdays: My pal Scotty - Happy Birthday 19XX, Seth Warner, hero of the American Revolution 1743, Edward Jenner, physician 1749 Erik Satie, composer 1866, Birgit Nilsson, soprano 1918, Dennis Hopper, actor, director, producer 1936, Sugar Ray Leonard, boxer 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man and a woman walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "What?"

So the doctor yells it, "I need a urine sample, a feces sample and a blood sample!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

One day, the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says, "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies, "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.

Billy-Bob says, "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn, we started kissing and cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy."

Billy-Bob continued, "Well, Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did. Up on the hill we started kissing and cuddling and Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then, Mary-Lou laid on the ground, opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?"

The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12 inch tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him, "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist." The drunk replied, "Horse shit, your pulling my leg."

So the guy next to him picks up the 12 inch man, grabs some books and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.

Stunned, the drunk asks, "That little guy is cool. Where the hell did you get him"? The guy told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared and was granted one wish.

All of a sudden, the drunk runs out the back door, finds the bottle and starts rubbing it. In a wink, a genie pops out and grants him one wish. The drunk slurs, "I wish for a million bucks." Immediately, the sky turns black and overhead, a million ducks come flying and shit all over him.

Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing ,"You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit."

The guy started laughing and wildly exclaimed, "You don't really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist do you?"

That's it for today, my little angry birds. Remember, any spouse can be a trophy spouse if you take them to a Taxidermist. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for drinks and maybe some karaoke.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

One of the best lines yet: They've gone from "Change you can believe in" to "Changing the story until you believe it."
Methinks I can remember back to a time I mixed up that screwdriver direction thing. Then you had to say: Squid Pro Quo!!!! I threw my green tea thru my nose.

Now as I am thinking back, that dad knew something about marriage, January, Feb……

Nite Jimmy have a great weekend….