Friday, August 23, 2013
.....And On A Positive Note.....
The lady's name is Antoinette Tuff and, like any other person, has her own goals and personal problems. But when a gunman walked into the Georgia school where she worked with an AK-47-style assault rifle and 500 rounds of ammo, Tuff called 911 and stayed smooth and calm as a computer help line operator.
She calmed down suspect Michael Brandon Hill. She told him that he wasn’t alone in having troubles. She told Hill her husband walked out on her after 33 years and that she has a "multiple-disabled" son. She soothed that man holding an assault rifle by telling him, "We all go through something in life."
She kept a conversation going among herself, the gunman and the 911 dispatcher. Thanks to her, there will be no funerals with tiny caskets this time. Thanks Antoinette !
The News As I See It: Recently they found a dead shark on a subway car in New York City and today, of course, he's chowder at Red Lobster. When authorities checked the surveillance tape, the shark was seen going down the stairs and through the turnstile. He seemed perfectly healthy. This is what happens when you don't have stop-and-frisk.
The police had an autopsy done on the shark and they found a tourist from Cincinnati. The shark was apparently in town for shark week.
There are regular Oreos and Double Stuf Oreos. Somebody measured the things, and it turns out there is not twice the amount of stuff as in the regular Oreos. No double ammonium bicarbonate, no double thiamine mononitrate, no double calcium phosphate. Now if you are at home measuring stuff in an Oreo, you should take a long, hard look at your life. We wouldn't have to worry about stuff like this if New Jersey Governor Chris (The Tub) Christie was president.
Former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and he's okay, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker. Doctors told him to avoid any heavy exertion, so that means no reading. He had a touch of coronary artery disease. One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots.
This Date In History: 1305; Scottish leader and national hero, William Wallace, was executed in London. 1914; Japan declared war on Germany in World War I. 1926; Silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.
1927; Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were executed for the murders of two men during a 1920 robbery, despite worldwide protests. 1939; Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union signed a non-aggression treaty.
Picture Of The Day: I love giraffes !
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Have you ever looked in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back and then realize it's your neighbor's window and they're calling the cops? Me neither...... 2) Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women. 3) A man started choking in the line at Wendy's today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register. 4) If a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it. 5) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 23: Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. If things start looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swivelling chair and spin. If that doesn't raise a smile, then I'm all out of ideas. Hey, for what you pay me, that's pretty good advice.
Birthdays: Louis XVI, king of France (1774–92) 1754, Arnold Toynbee economist 1852, Edgar Lee Masters writer 1868, Gene Kelly dancer 1912, Shelley Long actress 1949.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is, I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
A famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot. The man exclaimed, "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" So, the dentist started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. The man replies, "No, I'm fine with pills." So, the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. The man asked, "What are those?" The dentist replied, "Viagra."
The man said, "I'll be damned. I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." The dentist replied, "It doesn't, but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?"
Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff." Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, give a man a six pack and he'll drink for a day. Give him a 24 pack and he'll drink for a day. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !