Monday, August 5, 2013
Grocery Shopping with The Kids
Small children have little or no concept of money, which leads me to a story when I was married. It was a day when, for some unknown reason, I took the three kids with me to buy something at the supermarket.
Under normal circumstances, my wife did the grocery shopping and quite frankly, I don't remember if she took the kids with her or not. Methinks it was a little of both.
Nevertheless, this particular trip I picked a few things for a barbecue and, naturally, the kids were eyeing all the little candy and toys that the devious fiends at the grocery store put at a child's eye level.
After about the 30th "Can I have that?", I told the kids they could each have one thing and to choose wisely. They then "quietly" began their adventure searching the store for that "one" thing. I use the word "quietly" because I would never stand for screaming kids in any store, especially my own.
Eventually, they all found what they wanted and they turned to me and asked, "Aren't you going to buy 'one' thlng for you?" I replied that I didn't need anything and that I didn't have any more money, anyway (not true, but I thought it would end questioning).
My oldest then said, "That doesn't matter, just write a check like Mom does." Obviously what they didn't know was that Mom didn't work outside the home and all of those magical checks she wrote were replaced with cash from me. They just assumed that checks meant money.....
I have a friend who needs some help. His wife told him to go to the drugstore and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he got back, he tossed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can anyone help him?
The News As I See It: The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It's their bill. If it's too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?
In an interview with Univision, Anthony Weiner said he created the online name, Carlos Danger, as a joke. Weiner was like "Come on, what's funnier than the name Carlos Danger?" They we're like, "Uh, Anthony Weiner?"
Obama turned 52 on Sunday. These days, when he looks in the mirror, he has to admit that he's not the strapping young Muslim socialist that he used to be.
There's a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, "It's going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You're going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, tater tots, ribs, onion rings — I need the whole deal."
This Date In History: 1861; For the first time, the U.S. government levied an income tax. 1884; The cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty was laid on Bedloe's Island. 1914; The first electric traffic lights were installed in Cleveland, Ohio. 1962; Marilyn Monroe died.
1963; The United States, Britain, and the Soviet Union signed the limited Test Ban Treaty, which prohibited nuclear weapon tests in the atmosphere, in outer space, and underwater. 1969; The U.S. space probe Mariner 7 transmitted pictures of Mars.
1984; Joan Benoit won the first Olympic women's marathon. 2002; The gun turret of the Civil War ironclad USS Monitor was raised from the ocean floor. 2003; The Rev. Gene Robinson was approved as the first openly gay bishop by the U.S. Episcopal Church.
2012; The plutonium-powered rover Curiosity successfully lands on Mars. Larger than earlier rovers, Curiosity will spend two years examining the land, looking for evidence that conditions on Mars are fit for life.
Picture Of The Day: Today's pictures are from the same photographer. I liked the series because of the twilight effect and the choice of locale. I hope you like them.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the '80s throwing them at Mario. 2) Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook. 3) If you're an atheist vegan, a runner and recently quit smoking, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first? 4) I think that people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" may have missed a Science class or two. 5) One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 5th: Starving yourself does not help you lose weight. In fact, it can be very detrimental to your health. You ask any dead person and they'll say, "Yep, that's right, I'm very thin!"
Birthdays: Guy de Maupassant, author 1850, Conrad Aiken, author 1889, John Huston, filmmaker 1906, Neil Armstrong, American astronaut, first man on the moon 1939, Patrick Ewing, basketball player 1962.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Have you been drinking tonight sir?" The elderly gent replied, "Well, I may have had a beer or two. Why do you ask?"
The policeman said, "Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back." The old man replied, "Oh, thank goodness, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi."
The old man whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside."
The pharmacist continued, "I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up."
The pharmacist went on, "I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone kept ringing."
The frustrated pharmacist said, "When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it and all of them hit the floor and broke."
He said, "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
A man met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57 and they drank and shot the breeze a bit. Then she asked if he'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome? He said no.
They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky night. He went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom you still awake?"
That's it for today, my little rascals. Remember, a sober friend will always have your back. A drunk friend will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !