Friday, August 9, 2013
Important Questions For Your Kids
For those of you with children under the age of 25 and God has given you the patience not to move without giving them the new address, here's a quiz on education. Ask your child (hereinafter referred to as "he or him") if he can name twenty-five of the fifty states. Then ask him if he can name at least 10 state capitols.
Next ask him what his favorite song is. Then ask him if he knows the lyrics* ( words* for the hard of understanding). Inquire as to his favorite movies and see if he can name the stars of the movie. Ask him about his favorite television program and the star and the star's character in the show. Chances are that this area is his forte.
Moving back to the mundane part of this exercise, see if he can name 10 past American presidents. Ask him if he can name 5 countries in Europe and at least five cities in same. Where is the United States Capitol? Name two signers of the Declaration of Independence?
Can he name 5 of the 7 seas? Ask where the pyramids are located. Ask him to conjugate the verb "to be". Ask him if he knows what conjugation is. Can he spell it?
The reason for this type of quiz is to find out what your child really knows. Does he listen in class? Does he have a desire to learn or just get by? You can make up your own quiz based on age. ( I caution you to brush up a bit on your own knowledge in case you child is a genius. It vouldn't hoit!).
This type of questioning may be the difference between a college graduate with a good job or a high school drop-out whose only skill is asking, "Do you want fries with that?" Think about it.....
The News As I See It: Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the "Hypocritic Oath."
The Mars rover, Curiosity. is celebrating its first anniversary on Mars. So far, in the year it’s been up there it’s sent back 70,000 photos. I know that sounds like a lot, but it’s still less than Anthony Weiner sent out.
U.S.embassies are closed all around the Middle East this week due to a terrorist threat. What happened was the U.S. intercepted a conference call of 20 al-Qaida operatives. Twenty on one conference call! Who is their carrier? I go under a bridge and my cellphone drops the call, but they can get 20 people in one call from a cave?
The Republican National Committee now says if NBC and CNN don't pull plans for the glorified Hillary Clinton miniseries and movie, they won't hold any Republican debates on those networks. That works for me! Now if we could just get the Democrats to pull their debates, we wouldn’t have to watch any of that crap.
Obama has called off a summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin because of diplomatic differences. Also, Obama didn't like Putin's demand that the summit be held shirtless and on horseback.
The NFL Announced that referees are going to crack down this year on excessive celebrations. NFL players are being told not to show off too much after a touchdown, a sack or a murder.
A study found that if given a choice, most Americans would not want to live to the age of 120. People don't want to live to 120 except for one group — people who are at 119.
This Date In History: 1854; Henry David Thoreau's Walden, recounting his experiment in solitary life on the shores of Massachusetts' Walden Pond, was published.
1936; Jesse Owens became the first American to win four gold medals in one Olympics. 1945; The United States exploded a nuclear bomb over Nagasaki, Japan, killing an estimated 74,000 people.
1965; Singapore proclaimed its independence from Malaysia. 1974; Vice president Gerald Ford was sworn in as president following Nixon's resignation. 1995; Jerry Garcia, lead singer and guitarist of the Grateful Dead, died.
Picture Of The Day: Police are warning the public of an ongoing gang scam. They say that the gang is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones.
While the three younger ones (appearing sweet and innocent) divert their 'mark' (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth, and eldest, sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pocket or purse for any valuables.
This is being called the "AFLAC Scam".
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's sad to see how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike. 2) Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time. 3) (God to Raccoon): "Do you want to look like an old timey burglar of a trash digger?" (Raccoon): Uh...... (God): "Too slow! You're both now." 4) If you are older than 15 and are madly in love with Justin Bieber ,you are one the reasons that dolphins and whales are the most intelligent species. 5) Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I get out of the bed in the morning, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies. and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 9th: Your marital status may change this week, either due to some crazy marriage commitment or possibly just a typing error on a car insurance form. Either way, love is in the cards for you. Sweetheart is just another ugly word you learned from greetings cards. My suggestion is to refer to your partner as "Hot Stuff."
Birthdays: Izaak Walton, writer 1593, Amedeo Avogadro, physicist 1776, William Fowler, nuclear astrophysicist 1911, Bob Cousy, basketball player 1928, Whitney Houston, singer 1963.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door and asks, "Brenda, may I come in? I've somethin' to tell ya". Brenda replied, "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim, but where's my husband?"
Tim said, "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." Brenda cries, "Oh, God no! Please don't tell me." Tim says, "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus Is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
Tim said, "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned." Brenda lamented, "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" Tim replied, "Well, Brenda...no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home. He asks Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Bessie replies, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" Bessie says, "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!" Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
Diamond's brothel began construction on an expansion of its building to increase its ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground. After the fire, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation, claiming that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business - either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. Crusty old judge, George Johnson read through the complaint and the reply.
At the opening hearing, the judge said, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit.
A young Arab asks his father, "What is this weird hat that we are wearing?" 'The father said, "It's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!"
The son then asked, "And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?" The father replied, "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!"
The boy continued, "And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?" The father answered, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!"
The boy said to his father, "Tell me, Papa. Why are we living in New Jersey and still wearing all this shit?"
That's it for today, my little tiger cubs. Remember, give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give a fish a man and you're probably in the Mafia. Time to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !