Monday, August 19, 2013

I Miss Bill Clinton

Today is Bill Clinton's birthday. Ol' Bill was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President. He played the sax, he smoked weed and he had his way with ugly white women.

Even now, his wife works and he doesn't and he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada . When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do hanky panky between the Bushes."

Of course, we now have Hillary Clinton marching towards the 2016 democratic nomination, behind the fanfare of the liberal, ass kissing media. CNN and NBC already have a Hillary movie and three part documentary in the works.

Hillary will have her hands full trying to control the Benghazi scandal and concealing the acts of Huma Abedin, one of Hillary's top aides and wife of New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. Abedin is facing renewed scrutiny over her work as a consultant for outside clients while serving at the State Department.

And, as always, we have the usual suspects lining up for the republican nomination who have the combined personalty of a carrot. One standout candidate according to the polls is Tubby Chris Christie who I think is rino (republican in name only) and is more obnoxious than Obama.

The News As I See It: The Republican National Committee says if NBC and CNN don't pull plans for the biased, hyped Hillary Clinton miniseries and movie, they won't hold any Republican debates on those networks. That works for me! Now if we could just get the Democrats to pull their debates, we wouldn't have to watch any of that crap.

Obama recently met with the prime minister of Greece at the White House. When he heard the leader of Greece was there, Joe Biden said, "John Travolta's here?"

This Date In History: 1812; The U.S. frigate Constitution, Old Ironsides, defeated the British ship Guerriere during the War of 1812. 1934; Germans voted to make Adolf Hitler Fuhrer.

1960; American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers was convicted of espionage in Moscow. 1977; Comedian Groucho Marx died in Los Angeles at age 86.

2003; U.N. special representative Sergio Vieira de Mello was one of 22 killed when a suicide car bomb struck the UN's Baghdad headquarters.

Picture Of The Day: Now I've seen some big 'gators in my time while fishing, swimming and camping in the Florida Everglades. But this bad boy was caught in Georgia and tipped the scales at over 1100 pounds. You will never see any alligator wrestler even consider getting in the circle with a guy this big.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I bought a new stick deodorant and the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom." I can barely walk but when I pass gas, the room smells lovely. 2) It's been said that eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. Great, now I have a 113% chance of dying. 3) In school, my report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. The joke's on them. That really was as good as I was going to get. 4) I just saw that my girlfriend was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair. 5) Chinese food: $16.72 Gas to get to restaurant: $3.00 Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your food containers: Riceless.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLeo - August 19th: Your appetite may increase as the doctors finally remove the scissors they left inside you during your last operation. Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, "a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair."

Birthdays: My pals Carlene and Ron - Happy Birthday 19XX, John Dryden, poet, dramatist and critic 1631, Orville Wright, aviation pioneer 1871, Coco Chanel, fashion designer 1883, Ogden Nash, poet 1902, Malcolm Forbes, publisher 1919, Willie Shoemaker, jockey 1931, William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd President of the United States. He was born William Jefferson Blythe III in Hope, Arkansas. His father died before he was born and he took the name of his stepfather 1946, Matthew Perry, actor 1969.

Meteora, Greece
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths: 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his  attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knocking, there's no paper on this side either!"
My pal Wally sent me this picture of a bar for serious beer drinkers

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one.. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "No, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." (With age comes wisdom).

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!" His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do." The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." With a hurt look, she said, "You would?"

His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?" She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new."

The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do." She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

That's it for today, my little goslings. Remember, one reason babies cry on planes is because flying is scary. Babies aren’t liars like you and I.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Great read as always, love the wit using Bill Clinton. GREAT.

I'm glad you figured how to tack on the 13% chance.

And your QUOTE from Biden is priceless.... Greece!!!

Linda's World said...

Good ones!