Friday, February 14, 2014
Be My Valentine
Happy St. Valentines Day! The Teddy Bear and Hoodie Pajamas I bought for my girlfriend arrived and as soon as she's out of ammunition, I have dinner reservations at McDonalds. I'm kidding, of course, the reservations are for Burger King.
On a recent Conan show, the Valentine headline parroted by most every television station in America is, "Those people who have someone special and a mobile device (or teleprompter) may look to that device to help them say 'I Love You'." (Be prepared Michelle).
Other than people who use sign language, anyone who does this probably has an I.Q. of forty and can look forward to a future divorce, the wording for same, of course, coming from a mobile device.
For the rest of us, "I Love You" comes from the heart without the aid of a mobile device or a teleprompter.
The News As I See It: Bob Costas had to take a break from hosting the Olympics coverage due to an eye infection. In fact, his eyes are so bloodshot, he's been made an honorary member of the U.S. snowboarding team.
In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi.
In California, an openly gay candidate is running for office as something called "a new generation Republican" or as they're known in the rest of the country, a Democrat.
The family of openly gay NFL prospect Michael Sam say they found out he was gay from watching ESPN. Meanwhile, Michael Sam found out he was gay from watching Bravo.
A Los Angeles newscaster had to apologize to Samuel L. Jackson for mistaking him for Laurence Fishburne. Yeah, he said "I'm sorry, but everybody makes mistakes, even our great president, Morgan Freeman."
To stop the spread of disease, the city of Vancouver has allowed crack pipes to be sold in vending machines. The plan is being called dangerous by the mayor of New York City and genius by the mayor of Toronto.
This Date In History: 1859; Oregon became the 33rd state in the United States. 1912; Arizona became the 48th state in the United States. 1920; The League of Women Voters was founded.
1929; Members of Al Capone's gang killed rival gang members in the St. Valentine's Day massacre. 1989; Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa, calling for the death of Salman Rushdie, author of The Satanic Verses.
2001; The Kansas Board of Education reversed its 1999 ruling and restored evolution to the state's science curriculum. 2003; Dolly the sheep, the first cloned mammal, was euthanized because of incurable lung cancer.
Picture Of The Day: Sometimes true love comes in small packages.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People who go to the store and buy a single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy. 2) I'm going tell my kids to lay off the liquor because I love them and I don't want them to mess up their kidneys before I need one. 3) One thing I learned while I was out drinking last night was here is no such thing as a goalie in darts. 4) Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while there are people still inside. 5) Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.....and that's five !
Bonus Sixth: Pakistan's Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohamed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action is taken against Syria, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's only supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa, cable and telephone customer service representatives. It's getting ugly.....
Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 14th: Love has not affected you in the way you need it to. You do have romance in your heart but it needs to be released. Relax all your muscles, excluding any sphincters and then tense them all again. Love may be just around the corner.
Birthdays: George Jean Nathan, editor and drama critic 1882, Katherine Stinson, pioneering pilot 1891, Jack Benny, comedian 1894, Florence Henderson, actress 1934, Donna Shalala, educator, public official 1941, Michael Bloomberg, former mayor of New York City and businessman 1942, Gregory Hines, dancer, actor 1946, Jim Kelly, Pro football quarterback 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Some Louisiana boys living across the river from each other, feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.
This went on for years until one day the Army Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated. He told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes.
His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "Clearance - 8 ft 3 in."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
The guy's curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The bald man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, "Guess who?'" The guy says, "But why?'' The man replies, "I'm a divorce lawyer."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
The guy said, "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure......cross my heart"
Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." (Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer).
A man went to the hospital after an accident. After coming out of the operation, the doctor told him his penis had to be amputated to save his life. The man was aghast and despondent, telling the doctor thee was no reason to continue living.
The doctor told the man the was a new procedure involving implanting a baby elephant's trunk to the man's pelvic area and worked for almost all his patients.
After a successful transplant operation, the man's new penis worked perfectly. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly the penis came back again, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.
The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw. Can you do that again?" With an uncomfortable look, the man replied, "I'll try, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass!"
That's it for today, my little love bugs. Remember, sometimes auto-correct can be your worst enema. I'm heading over to AREA 51 and see if there are any more Valentine angels still available.
Have a great weekend and mMore on Monday.
Stay Tuned !