Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Pass On The Giant Teddy Bear Or Pajamas For Valentine's Day
Don't buy an overweight teddy bear or pajamas with a hoodie for Valentine's Day unless you want to sleep alone with a teddy bear or your spouse is prone to wake up at night and rob a convenience store.
By the same token, it's not necessary to spend more than you can afford either. While flowers, chocolate or even jewelry are nice, there's other bills to pay. Remember, flowers eventually wilt and die and chocolates get eaten.
Do yourself a favor and buy something you can afford, and more importantly, from the heart. If there is one day that the old phrase "it's the thought that counts", this it it. Happy Valentines Day!
The News As I See It: A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough. Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
There are 12 new events in this year's Winter Olympics. The new events include women's ski jumping, luge-team relay and finding a working toilet.
The "Lego Movie" is Number 1 at the box office. I saw it. I'm a little disappointed. I liked the first half, but it sort of came apart at the end.
I found it rather easy to steer myself away from the Winter Olympics. I mean, how many different ways can white people injure themselves on ice?
A top NFL prospect has announced that he is gay. Then someone explained to him that having a crush on Tom Brady doesn't make you gay.
This Date In History: 1554; Lady Jane Grey, queen of England for nine days (in 1553), was executed for high treason, 1733; Led by philanthropist James Edward Oglethorpe, the first English colonists arrived in Georgia, at the site of Savannah. 1818; Chile formally proclaimed its independence from Spain.
1870; The Utah Territory granted women the right to vote (revoked in 1887). 1909; The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) was founded.
1912; Pu Yi, the last emperor of the Manchu (Ch'ing) dynasty in China, renounced his throne following the establishment of a republic under Sun Yat-sen. 1973; The first release of American prisoners of war from the Vietnam war took place.
1999; The Senate voted to acquit President Clinton on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. 2002; Yugoslavian ex-president Slobodan Milosevic went on trial for war crimes.
2010; The 2010 Winter Olympics opened in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. The games got off to a tragic start when a luger from the Republic of Georgia, Nodar Kumaritashvili, dies tragically in a crash during training run.
Picture Of The Day: Mmmm Good !
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you're buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it's probably because he bought is his condoms there too. 2) A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute. 3) I wonder how strict is the "I licked it, it's mine" policy? There's some things I've licked that I really don't want. 4) Sometimes people say to me, "You look so familiar." Depending on my mood, sometimes I respond with, "Were we in prison together?" 5) Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 12th: The future is what you make of it and if it's anything like what you made of your life so far, I'd consider buying materials for the nuclear winter. Your spine is going to feel a tingling sensation later and with any luck, the sensation will spread.
Birthdays: Cotton Mather, clergyman and writer 1663, Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States 1809, Charles Darwin, naturalist 1809, John L. Lewis, labor leader 1880, Anna Pavlova, ballerina 1881, Omar Bradley, general 1893, Costa-Gavras, director 1933, Bill Russell, basketball player 1934, Judy Blume, writer 1938, Christina Ricci, actor 1980.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: During a recent password audit by a company, it was determined that a blonde employee was using the following password:
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! It has to have at least eight characters and include at least one capital."
A woman was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor’s office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. She had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, she liked to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.
So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink and gave herself a quick wash in that area to make sure she was at least presentable.
She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment. She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in. Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
She was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” She didn’t respond. After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal....some shopping, cleaning and cooking.
After school, her 6 year old daughter was playing and she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where’s my washcloth?" Her mother told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink and it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Needless to say, she's never going back to that gynecologist again......ever!
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Old Ben was working at the lumber yard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut off all of his fingers. He quickly ran down the street to the emergency room. The doctor quickly examined his hands and asked for the fingers.
Ben gasped through the pain, "I don't have the fingers." The doctor said, "What do you mean you don't have the fingers? We aren't living in the Dark Ages here! I can reattach those fingers and you'd be as good as new! Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Ben yelled sarcastically, "I couldn't pick the damned things up!"
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated." The teacher said, 'Well,that was good as well. Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
That's it for today, my little Brussel sprouts. Remember, being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !