Monday, February 3, 2014

Not So Super Bowl

It was game time, I had my Corona and Ruffles at hand. I was ready for the highly touted Super Bowl game. I didn't care who won as I like both teams and was looking forward to a good game. That's the problem with looking forward or as Webster's likes to call it, "anticipation."

The first indication that the game was going to be weird was when Broadway Joe inadvertently flipped the coin before anyone called heads or tails. Then, in the first twelve seconds of the game, a botched snap by center Manny Ramirez flew by Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning and into the end zone, where Denver running back Knowshon Moreno recovered it. Seattle 2, Broncos zip. This was my second indication.

After the safety and ensuing free kick, Seattle got the ball back at its 36. A 31-yard field goal by Steven Hauschka made it 5-0, and the Seahawks were on their way to a 43-8 rout.

The handwriting was on the wall, which was weird because walls with prognostication are usually not allowed on the playing field. Yes, football fans, as the moon, like a testicle, hung low in the evening sky, I began surfing the TV channels for something a bit more interesting to a lobotomy.

Occasionally, I checked back into the game only to see the hapless Broncos continue to flail and make extraordinary errors and lapses in judgement. Finally, I went online to surf the web for anything remotely entertaining.

I tuned back in to the final moments of the game to watch the matador (if you will) finish off the bull (in this case, Broncos).....

Economic inequality is a farce. If you took the entire nation, stripped them of their finances and put everyone in a starting job at $10 per hour, the same people would return to their original financial position within ten years. Money cannot be assigned, it must be earned.

Face it, the cards do not always fall as one would hope. Some people will be doctors and others will work at McDonalds. That's just the way it is.....

The News As I See It: In Atlanta, people are still complaining about the slow response to the icy roads and snow. I don’t think the governor helped himself. His excuse was, "Emergency crews would have been there sooner, but there was a storm."

Ratings for Obama's State of the Union address were the lowest in 14 years. The speech drew 33 million people, which is still pretty good — considering it was a rerun.

Sunday was Groundhog Day, coinciding with the Super Bowl. I got up early on Groundhog Day, stuffed the groundhog and put it in a medium oven. Coincidentally, that's the same thing the Seahawks did to the Broncos.

Am I a great prognosticator or what? On Friday, I predicted the Broncos would beat the Seahawks 24-21. As you know, the Seahawks creamed the Broncos 48-7. Pretty close, eh?

This Date In History: 1468; Johann Gutenberg, German printer and inventor, died. 1870; The 15th Amendment (black suffrage) passed. 1913; The 16th Amendment, establishing federal income tax, was ratified.

1917; The U.S. broke off diplomatic relations with Germany. 1959; Rock singers, Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and Big Bopper died in a plane crash.

1995; Col. Eileen Collins became the first woman to pilot the space shuttle when the Discovery blasted off. 1998; Texas executed Karla Faye Tucker, the first woman to be executed in the United States since 1984.

Picture Of The Day: Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife for president.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork. 2) Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I've narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Buttermilk. 3) Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his dorky flat brimmed baseball hat that he's wearing backwards and his arms are marked with what seems to be graffiti, that's his way of telling you he won't pay child support. 4) She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche. 5) Valentine's Day was created by a woman that didn't get what she wanted for Christmas.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - February 3rd: I'm no attorney, but admitting to shooting the sheriff is not a good alibi when being accused of shooting the deputy.

Birthdays: My friends Ben, Bev and Bruce - Happy Birthday 19XX, Felix Mendelssohn, composer 1809, Horace Greeley, newspaper editor and founder 1811, Gertrude Stein, author 1874, Norman Rockwell, illustrator 1894, Alvar Aalto, architect and furniture designer 1898, James Michener, author 1907, Joey Bishop, comedian, actor 1918.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old woman won a radio at a senior citizens retirement home and decide to write them a letter of thanks.

Dear Ladies and gentlemen:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.


 Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since his birthday is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants. If he curses while he tells you what he wants, leave a pile of dog poop in place his birthday presents."

Two days before his birthday, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for for his birthday. Johnny said, "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

On his birthday, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile of dog poop. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his mother smiled and asked, "What did your father give you for your birthday?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

The little old lady says,"Oh, really? Darn! I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me." The cop says, "Not so fast. How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

The little old lady says, "Oh no. You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."

The cop laughs, "Well, that seems only fair. Okay, good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'' The little old lady says,  "Well, you know not everybody pays."

That's it for today, my little moon pies. Remember, relationships are about compromise. I pretend she's not yelling and bitching. She pretends I'm not digging her grave in the garden.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I liked the about the foot ball game(?), but who was the15 yr old kid they said was a quarterback for them Seacats. The boy was good. He was ON Something just before this game…
Liked the ‘rerun’ comment of the State of the Union speech.
Don’t mention the score etc. Sherry picked the Seadudes and me not knowing crap about FB (Football or Facebook) used your wise KNOWLEDGEABLE prediction (????) and bet a whole dollar. She forgot it so don’t mention it again!
And you B very right about that child support guy!!
Thanks for a good read and a wonderful picture of our next presidentress.

Oh yeah, Imma tell you, I ain't too proud to pay, in certain incidences!!!
(My nose burns!)

Paula said...

Darn I just lost my pruning shears. Maybe I could have made some money.

Heli gunner Tom said...

Jimmy, You've got the world by the ass ! I like your style ! I am so tired and sick of the cold, U.P. Iron Mtn., MI Winter..grrrr! --Tommy Schuckman