Monday, February 10, 2014

Sochi Olympics Advice: "Don't Try To 'fish' Things Out Of The Toilet"

The way journalists are complaining it's like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and take a crap. Hey, it's the winter Olympics In Russia, teeming with terrorist threats. Find someone's purse and take a crap in it.

Meanwhile, while watching the thus-far mediocre games, NBC has their proverbial noses up the host's ass as they laud the virtues and history of Russia.

It didn’t take long for NBC to offer up all of its credibility in payment to Vladimir Putin in exchange for the television rights to the Sochi Olympics, did it? In its intro to the opening ceremonies — in which Putin’s Russia trotted out a gigantic hammer and sickle to celebrate its nation — NBC called perhaps the bloodiest and most oppressive tyrannies in human history "one of modern history’s pivotal experiments"

Huh? Are we reading the same newspapers and history books? While NBC kisses Russian asses and clumsily attempts to make the games better than they are no one is reporting on the hundreds of stray dogs killed by Russian police and the persecution of gays.

Hey, it could be worse. We could be watching the Siberian Olympics....

The News As I See It: There's a new survey that found that 50 percent of doctors admit to going on Wikipedia to look up medical information. While the rest behave like professionals and use WebMD.

New York City has this program, stop and frisk. If the cops see anything that they don't care for, they'll frisk you. Now, during Fashion Week, they changed that program to "stop and embroider."

I didn't learn to ski until I was 35. I fell down a lot. But, by that age, I was used to falling on my face in front of people. Of course, that was in bars, but close enough. Skiing made me feel like a rugged adventurer. The wind on my cheeks, the ice-crusted goggles, those little mini marshmallows in my cocoa.

This Date In History: 1763; Treaty of Paris signed, ending the French and Indian War. France ceded Canada and all its North American territories east of the Mississippi to Great Britain. 1837; Russian poet and novelist Alexander Pushkin was killed in a duel. 1840; Queen Victoria married Prince Albert.

1942; Glenn Miller received the first ever gold record for selling a million copies of "Chattanooga Choo Choo." 1962; The Soviet Union exchanged captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers for Rudolph Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.

1967; The 25th Amendment was ratified, establishing presidential succession. 1996; IBM's computer, Deep Blue, beat the world chess champion, Garry Kasparov, in the first game of their match. 2005; Pulitzer Prize winning playwright Arthur Miller died.

Picture Of The Day: Russian speed skater Olga Graf nearly suffered a wardrobe malfunction after winning the bronze medal in the 3000 meters in Sochi Sunday. Fortunately, she realized her faux pas and recovered. Unfortunately, even it if it would have remained open, there wasn't much to see. It's the thought that counts, Olga! 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience. 2) "You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like shit." 3) The Lego Movie should have been about parents walking in the dark and screaming obscenities after stepping on Legos. 4) I put another shrimp on the barbie and now, some little guy named Ken is all pissed off. 5) Damn! I didn't make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - February 10th: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you're gonna need some beholdin' today. Inner beauty is what counts and someone will look beyond your face and feel their heart beating for the first time in years.

Birthdays: Harrison Gray Otis, soldier and journalist 1837, Jimmy Durante, comedian, actor 1893, John F. Enders, bacteriologist 1897, Bertolt Brecht, dramatist 1898, Leontyne Price, opera singer 1927, Robert Wagner, actor 1930, Roberta Flack, singer, songwriter 1939, Peter Allen, singer, songwriter 1944, Mark Spitz, Olympic swimmer 1950, Laura Dern, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" The man answered, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan said, "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" The old man said, "Don't doubt it for a minute"

Satan persisted, "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" The old man calmly replied, "Yep." Satan went on, "And you're still not afraid?" The old man said, "Nope."

 More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood. The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you." After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?" The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't."

Perhaps Starbucks should have taken their thought process a little farther before painting their trucks.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV, and my laptop'."

The man continued, "Then she said, 'Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will’."

His buddy said, "Holy Smoke, she actually said that?" The man replied, "Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammad. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign'."

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!" His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do."

The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." With a hurt look, she said, "You would?" His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?" She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new."

The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do." She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, if Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be....Oh God, I can't even finish this one.

More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

I haven’t taken time to watch the Olympics, I must be going to wait for the book. But I believe your version…
Like the news.
I never did learn to ski, water or snow. But it sounded like fun, specially them little marshmallows.
At every closing, my Attorney always said, “You clean up well.” Wait ‘til I see that young lady again!
Stupid guy, planning to waste a full set of clubs, he could have looked for a right handed lady!
Nite I hope you don’t get snow!