Friday, April 18, 2014
Scientist Prove That The Easter Chicken Actually Eggsists !
The appearance of multi-colored eggs all over America in April was baffling experts until the recent discovery of a species referred to as the Easter Chicken (Latin: Chickus Easterus), a species long believed to exist but never actually seen.
The Easter Chicken is believed to be a mutant breed of two classes of chicken referred to as "Chickus Kay Eff See Us" and "Chickus Perdueus." It seems that the Easter Chicken is capable of laying thousands of multi-colored eggs per day but only lays its eggs in April.
It seeks out wicker baskets and is especially fond of multi-colored Easter grass in which to lay its eggs. Once the month of April is over, the Easter Chicken spends the rest of the year sitting in a solution of Preparation H.
The growth of the Easter Chicken population came into being after being accidentally discovered by Al Sharpton while it was laying an egg in the new green growth of an Obama Chia Pet. Sharpton, ignorant of the species, quickly fired up his skillet, tossed in some lard and was ready for some finger lickin' fried chicken when he was stopped by science investigators.
During the ensuing melee, the Easter Chicken escaped and propagated. It is believed that the Easter Chicken will be laying it's eggs all across America this weekend.
The News As I See It: Easter Sunday is the day that people who have not seen the inside of the church since the previous Easter are present and all decked out in their Easter finery. The lucky part of the Easter services for the once a year visitors is that the preacher doesn't say anything about their lack of attendance and the roof doesn't cave in on them.
This year, Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, April 20th. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny.
The Southwest Airlines pilot who famously landed at the wrong airport has retired. He tried to retire to Florida but ended up in Alabama.
This Date In History: 1775; Paul Revere rode from Charlestown to Lexington to warn Massachusetts colonists of the arrival of British troops during the American Revolution. 1906; The Great San Francisco Earthquake destroyed over 4 sq mi. and killed over 500 people.
1923; The first game was played in Yankee Stadium (the House that Ruth built). Yankees beat the Boston Red Sox 4 to 1. 1956; Grace Kelly married Prince Rainier of Monaco. 1968; London Bridge was sold to an American. It was rebuilt in Arizona.
1978; The U.S. Senate voted to hand over the Panama Canal to Panamanian control on Dec. 31, 1999. 2002; Afghanistan’s former king, Mohammad Zahir Shah, returned after 29 years in exile. 2012; American Bandstand and New Year's Rockin' Eve host Dick Clark died of heart failure.
Picture Of The Day: The Easter Bunny, a known cohort of the Easter Chicken, usually takes the credit for the colored eggs, but as we all know, bunnies don't lay eggs, they create chocolate for eggs and bunnies.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Kidnappers abducted my girlfriend and now they're offering me a ransom to take her back. I'm holding out for more money. 2) If I had a parrot I'd teach it to say, "I know where they buried the bodies." 3) I came home from fishing today. My girlfriend left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother." I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about? 4) Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death...... 5) If you don't have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 18th: The crystal ball which I sometimes use for divining fortunes for those like yourself is smashed beyond repair. I can see bits of your future but they look bloody. I can't tell whether or not if it's your blood. Actually, it might not be blood at all, but a red sock. I'm not sure. Get back to me tomorrow.
Birthdays: My friend Janice - Happy Birthday 19XX, Lucrezia Borgia, noblewoman 1480, Carlos Manuel de Cespedes, revolutionist 1819, Clarence Darrow, American lawyer 1857, Max Weber, painter 1881, Leopold Stokowski, conductor 1882, Conan O'Brien, talk-show host 1963.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. The man explained, "I feel terrible! I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
On Easter Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The boy asked, "Father Donovan, what is this? The priest explained, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque until Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. The frog says, "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says. "My name is Kermit Jagger. My dad is Mick Jagger. It's okay, he knows the bank manager." Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says."'I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am, but let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no...."
The man went on, "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk replied, "Well, I probably wouldn't" With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?" The clerk replied, "Because you're at the Home Depot.
That's it for today, my little Easter Peeps. Remember, if a woman tells you that she is as flexible as a Slinky, don't test the theory by pushing her down a flight of stairs. Meanwhile, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. They don't have any staircases there.
Have a Happy Easter, a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !