Monday, April 14, 2014

Tomorrow Is Tax Day

Tomorrow is Tax Day and those of you who happen to have money will have to send some of it to Uncle Sambo. The deadline is April 15th at 12 pm, so you still have time to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts and make fake deductions .

Yep, tomorrow ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C. and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.

Did you know there's actually a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government? I never check that box. The Obama's have already had enough vacations. 

The IRS says it's been getting death threats since Obamacare passed because they are going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to investigate Republicans and threaten people.

Obama has a task force to reviewing the tax codes. He is concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes.....and that's just in his administration.

Although nobody likes taxes, they've been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense.

Finally, the main things you need to know about taxes are to remember to sign your tax return, write your check, sign it and make it payable to China.....

The News As I See It: After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.

This year's income tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: 1) How much did you make last year? 2) How much do you have left? 3) Send amount listed in part 2.

A woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed, and thrown into a police car. Then the cops said, “Normally, we do that, Hillary, but thank you for the help.”

This Date In History: 1775; Benjamin Rush was among those who founded the first American antislavery society. 1828; Noah Webster copyrighted the first edition of his dictionary. 1860; The first pony express rider reached his destination of San Francisco. He left St. Joseph, Missouri, on April 3.

1865; Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. 1894; The first kinetoscope parlor opened in New York City. 1912; Titanic hit the iceberg that would sink her the next morning.

1969; In a record breaking night at the Academy Awards, a tie between Katherine Hepburn and Barbra Streisand resulted in the two sharing the the Best Actress Oscar and Hepburn broke the record as the only actress to win three Best Actress Oscars.

2002; Hugo Chávez returned as president of Venezuela after being forced out of office two days previously. 2003; Abu Abbas, the leader of the terrorist group Palestine Liberation Front when the group hijacked the liner Achille Lauro, was captured by U.S. forces in Iraq.

2010; An explosion in the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland results in a volcanic ash plume in the atmosphere over northern and central Europe. Air travel in the region is halted for several days.

Picture Of The Day: I don't know who came up with this idea, but I'd sure like to have one on my patio.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Her dad said he'd like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me. 2) I had myself waxed "down there". Now my socks slide on real easy.  3) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks. 4) The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping. 5) Grandchildren can be so annoying. How many times can you go, "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - April 14th: How does one prognosticate one's horoscope knowing full well that monies have to be sent to Uncle Sambo tomorrow? The stars say knuckle down and complete your tax returns. I say get in the car and mosey over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Things will work out.

Birthdays: Anne Sullivan Macy, American educator, friend and teacher of Helen Keller 1866, Arnold Joseph Toynbee historian 1889, John Gielgud actor 1904, Francois Duvalier dictator of Haiti 1907, Loretta Lynn singer 1935, Sarah Michelle Gellar actress 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman went to the doctor for her annual check-up and as the doctor was finishing the exam, he asked, "You're in good health Mrs. Johnson. Do you have any additional questions?" Mr. Johnson replied, "Not for myself doctor, but I'm concerned about my husband."

The doctor said, "Oh? What seems to be the problem?" Mrs. Johnson said, "He seems to have acquired a taste for dog food and he eats it at least once a day." The doctors said, "Well, although that's a bit strange, the dog food shouldn't hurt him. Does he have any other problems?" Mrs' Johnson said, "No." The doctor advised, "Well, keep an eye on him and let me know if anything changes."

About a month later, the doctor ran into Mrs. Johnson at the grocery store and after exchanging pleasantries, he asked, "And, how is Mr. Johnson doing?" Mrs. Johnson replied, "He's in the hospital but I think he will be discharged this weekend."

Horrified, the doctor said, "Oh dear, I'm so sorry. I really didn't think that eating the dog food would hurt him." Mrs. Johnson replied, "No, it wasn't the dog food. He was sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a truck hit him"

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?" She responded, "The first man was Pete, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

I'd adopt this little guy in a New York minute !

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man says, "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

The Deli owner said, "Why don't you people leave me alone? I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

The agent said, "It's not your income that bothers us, it's the deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." The owner said smiling. "Oh, that, I forgot to tell you....we also deliver."

That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, Mark Twain once said, "The only difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Great read to a sick guy who needs the laughs, I thought Allergies were for rich foks, I alway just got a cold. This this time I got both....

Got a kick our of the coffe enema and Star bucks. sorry about that, but youshoulda 'knowed better'.

salemslot9 said...

"I'd adopt this little guy in a New York minute !"

do you think
you'll ever have
another kitteh?