Friday, April 25, 2014
The Winds Of Change Are Blowing
Today was physical and emotional for me. I believe everything worked out successfully and there's a good posssibility that there will soon be a new female in my life. I will expound more on Monday as the finishing touches are put on my plans.
The News As I See It: While he was in Japan, Obama visited a science museum, where he played soccer with a robot. Joe Biden is negotiating with the prime minister in Ukraine and Obama is playing soccer with a robot. It's like the White House version of "Freaky Friday."
Obama had $300 sushi for dinner. That's a lot of money, but it comes with unlimited bread sticks and Mercury poisoning is covered by Obamacare.
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced plans to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School, which will open in 2017. The Obama school is expected to be very popular.....at first
A pharmaceutical company in Canada is offering $47 billion to buy the company that makes Botox. People at Botox were pretty excited — I mean, you should've seen the look that wasn't on their faces.
Vladimir Putin said, "If I were drowning, I think Obama would rescue me." I'm thinking. "Great idea. Let's give that a try."
Earth Day was on Wednesday. I never know what to get the Earth for Earth Day. So I just bought it an iTunes gift card and buried it.
The Detroit Metropolitan Airport has unveiled indoor patches of grass that serve as toilets for service dogs. And The New York subway continues to offer hundreds of square miles of tile that serve as toilets for everybody.
This Date In History: 1901; New York became the first state to require license plates on cars. 1915; British, Australian, and New Zealand forces landed at Gallipoli. 1928; The first seeing eye dog was presented to Morris S. Frank.
1945; Delegates met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations. 1953; The Francis Crick and James Watson article describing the double helix of DNA is published in the magazine Nature. 1959; The St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping.
1990; Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua. 1992; Islamic forces took over most of Kabul, Afghanistan after the Soviet-controlled government collapsed.
2003; The Georgia legislature voted to scrap the "Confederate flag" design from its state flag.
Picture Of The Day: Stuck in the middle with you....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think running in front of cars is some sort of gang initiation for squirrels. 2) Any spouse can be a trophy spouse if you take them to a Taxidermist. 3) I think that a group of squid should be called a squad. 4) The waiter, I mean barrista said, "It's pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh." I said, "Ok, I got it, doo-shah." 5) My friend's teenage kid said he wanted to go to JFK for some fried chicken. He won't be majoring in history but it's nice to know he is scouting out his career options.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - April 25th: Chin up and best foot forward. Love may come your way this week. If it doesn't then you can at least console yourself with the fact that there's a good chance at parole at your next court appearance and evaluation..
Birthdays: My friend Lisa - Happy Birthday 19XX, Oliver Cromwell, statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi, physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli, physicist 1900, Edward R. Murrow, journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino, actor 1940, Renee Zellweger, actress 1969, Jason Lee, actor 1970.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack or a weight-lifter?" The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?" His wife replied, " I'd take half and leave you." Her husband says, "Great, here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Keep in touch."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the male castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old cowboy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacations away from school. One child wrote: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.
He continued, "Everyone lives in nice little houses and they don't have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.
They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
Then, the spiral staircase said, "Oh, look! Jimmy's drinking Grey Goose vodka on the rocks. Let's kill him!"
That's it for today, my little pickled pepper pickers. Remember, if you play a game with your girlfriend where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with, choose a celebrity and not "Liz from Accounting." I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !