Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Excuse Me, Do You Happen To Know Where I Am?

Have you ever taken a drive to an area that you have not been for while, only to find they've torn down all your driving landmarks? Oh, I have maps and GPS on my cell phone, But I know the way....unless they removed that big tree next to Burger King. Hey, where's the damned Burger King?

Landmarks are important in city driving and especially on my usual way home from various AREA 51 bars. For example, if you miss the last right turn on the way home from Lakes Sports Bar, you end up in a cul-de-sac.

This, of course requires you to pull in some one's driveway to turn around and get back to your missed turn. I only missed this particular turn around 6 or 7 times before making a mental note that the particular right turn had a poured concrete curb which I only ran over twice before getting the hang of it.

Ok, take the next right and drive about three blocks until you see the Duncan Donuts building.....

Expressways are even worse because if, a) there's construction, b) they've torn down your usually reliable landmark or c) You're not paying attention. Missing an off ramp can mean driving a considerable distance farther, and worse, take you into one of those quaint little neighborhoods that Clark and Ellen Griswold and found themselves in the movie "Family Vacation."

Back in the day, I normally had my trusty co-pilot along to keep a peeled eye for off ramps and landmarks, but after a time, she became too expensive for me and I had to let her go. Besides, her volume control never worked anyway. 

The News As I See It: One of the top people in a Mexican drug cartel is a woman who apparently looks exactly like Kim Kardashian. The only difference is the head of the drug cartel has a job and is less of a threat to America.

Obama’s daughter Sasha turned 13 years old today. That means that now he has two teenage girls. But thanks to Congress, he's used to people ignoring him.

Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey.

A Whole Foods store in New York will start offering customers cocktails while they shop. It's part of Whole Foods' new slogan, "You'd have to be drunk to pay these prices."

Obama went for a walk and went to a Starbucks. If this guy can afford coffee at Starbucks, the economy must be improving. The president was sitting there having his coffee with his laptop open, arranging another deal for Taliban prisoners. Obama had a cup of his favorite coffee — the Kenyan Socialist.

This Date In History: 1509; King Henry VIII married his first wife, Katharine of Aragon. 1770; Capt. James Cook discovered the Great Barrier Reef off Australia. 1919; Sir Barton won the Belmont Stakes, becoming the first horse to capture the Triple Crown.

1963; Vivian Malone and James Hood successfully enrolled at the University of Alabama following Gov. George Wallace’s famous "stand in the schoolhouse door." 1977; Seattle Slew won the Belmont Stakes, capturing the Triple Crown. 2001; Timothy McVeigh, the 1995 Oklahoma City bomber, was executed.

Picture Of The Day: Asking directions is not always a good idea.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'll bet parents get annoyed when their kids ask "are we there yet?" when they're fully aware they now live in a car. 2) Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you're an adult wearing Crocs. 3) Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA. 4) I went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. I'll try harder next time. 5) The term drinks like a fish is my family crest at an open bar.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeGemini - June 11th: The evening beckons you....I mean really beckons you. It is, however, my duty to warning you that the night you are about to embark on contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Discretion is advised.

Birthdays: John Constable, painter 1776, Julia Margaret Cameron, pioneer photographer 1815, Jeannette Rankin, first female member of U.S. Congress 1880, Jacques Cousteau, French oceanographer and naval officer 1910, Vince Lombardi, football 1913, William Styron, novelist 1925, Jackie Stewart, race driver 1939, Henry Cisneros political official 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mike decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence, she finally says, "Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married, I think you should quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Mike gets a horrified look on his face. His wife says, "Darling, what's wrong?" Mike says, ”For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.” His wife screams, "Ex-wife! I didn't know you were married before !" Mike replied, "I wasn't."

Two prison inmates were talking and one says to the other, "Did you ever notice, back when we were free, that after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second inmate says, "Yeah, all the time." The first one asked, "Why is that?" The second says, "I'm pretty sure it was the Pepper Spray."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

  The little boy said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied,"If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley-Davidson!"

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

That's it for today, my little back seat drivers. Remember, when women say. "We should move into a better house." A man hears, "My plan is to force you to work till the day you die." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Great entry. Describes me very well. When the family was in the car I was ‘Wrong Way jack’ later the boys left and Sherry re-named me ‘U-turn Jack’.
Loved the Buffalo giving directions…
Great line on the Whole Food store. Went there once by mistake.

Smiling! I think that ‘You gonna come back’ sign is on a logging road in Maine.

Enjoyed all the funnies, very good tonight. I’m still smiling about the pepper spray!
Nite, from NC , Jack and Sherry (later)

Paula said...

No I don't know where you are but neither do I know where I am.