Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Nope, You Won't "Hear Me Roar" !
Watching a commercial about women's products today, I came to the conclusion that I'm glad to be a man. First and foremost, I can't imagine having a woman's plumbing and the monthly problems that go with them. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.
The particular commercial I saw was for women's eyeliner. I wondered who teaches girls how to do this? Moreover, who teaches girls how to apply make-up? From what I've seen in my time, most women apply make-up relatively well. There are those, however, who have apparently missed the bus on this art.
What woman in her right mind decided that plucking one's eyebrows was a good idea? I had to pluck an eyebrow hair once in my life and, aside from being kicked in the groin, have never experienced a more excruciating pain. Yet, I have seen women have conversations with each other as the casually plucked their eyebrows.
Women bleach their moustaches and forearms, shave their legs and the daring even wax their nether regions. I've seen videos of men having their chests waxed and it was one of the few times that I have ever shed a tear of sympathy watching their painful reaction.
Men, on the other hand, wake up, shower and shave and basically, we're out the door. This is as it should be. After all, we did give up a rib.
The Washington Redskins have had their trademark registrations canceled by an appeal board of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office on the grounds that the team's controversial name is disparaging to Native Americans.The ruling on Wednesday could give ammunition to critics who say the word Redskins is a term that is offensive to Native Americans and have urged Redskins owner Daniel M. Snyder to change it.
This, my dear friends and readers, is a crock of buffalo dung! If this idiotic rule is allowed to stand, then names like the Atlanta Braves, The Cleveland Indians, The Florida State Seminoles and for the color challenged, even the Cleveland Browns can also be deemed as disparaging.
The News As I See It: The Pentagon announced that the United States has captured a leader responsible for the Benghazi attacks. Republicans were ecstatic and said, "So, they finally got Hillary?"
Congrats to the U.S. soccer team for beating Ghana in the opening round of the World Cup. They did the impossible - getting Americans to watch soccer.
Protesters at the World Cup got into trouble for burning American flags. It's a shame because children in China worked very hard to make those flags. If you love soccer, you have to wait four years for a World Cup. It's like making an appointment with a VA doctor.
The San Antonio Spurs beat the world champion Miami Heat to win the NBA title. You could tell the Heat players didn’t have their heads in the game, especially when some of them left to catch the season finale of "Game of Thrones."
Obama recently had his annual physical, which showed that he’s suffering some pain in his right foot. When asked why he doesn’t get it treated, Obama said, "It’s not covered by Obamacare." His cholesterol is up and his approval rating is down. He wants to lower his cholesterol, but Congress is blocking him.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West this week turned down $11 million for the rights to publish their wedding pictures. Which can only mean one thing: Someone offered them $12 million.
A new study shows that men who carry their cellphone in their pocket have a sperm count nearly 10 percent lower than those who don’t. While men who keep their cellphone on a belt clip don’t need to worry about it.
Starbucks announced a new program that will pay employees to take online classes at Arizona State. Said Starbucks employees, "We already went there. That’s why we work at Starbucks."
This Date In History: 1812; The War of 1812 began. 1815; Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of Waterloo by British, German, and Dutch forces. 1873; Suffragist Susan B. Anthony was fined $100 for attempting to vote in the 1872 presidential election.
1928; Aviator Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the Atlantic Ocean. She completed the flight from Newfoundland to Wales in about 21 hours.
1948; The United Nations Commission on Human Rights adopted its International Declaration of Human Rights. The General Assembly would give it final approval on Dec. 10, 1948. 1983; Sally Ride became the first American woman in space.
Picture Of The Day: The beat goes on.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it. 2) "Bluetooth or crazy" is a guessing game I play when I see people talking to themselves on the street. I usually guess wrong. 3) Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that squirrel beat him to death. 4) Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food and drinks at popular night club prices. 5) Today was so bad, I thought Steven Seagal was in it.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 18th: There is no reason to doubt your spouse's fidelity. However, if you want to ensure your spouse really misses you while you are away, change their text notification alert to the sound of a door creaking open and text them at midnight.
Birthdays: Edward Scripps, newspaper publisher 1854, Philip Barry, playwright 1896, Anastasia, grand duchess 1901, Paul McCartney, member of the group "The Beatles", singer, composer, pianist 1942.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back."
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night patiently waiting for her date. She leaned over in her chair to get her mirror from her purse and accidentally farted quite loudly just as the waiter walked up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and said, "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to take the pictures of them. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He said we have to sit on the sofa."
The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together." Again, the hard of hearing twin asked, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "We have to sit closer together." They wiggled up close to each other.
The photographer said, "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." Yet again, the hard of hearing twin said, "What did he say?" Her sister replied, "He says he's going to focus." The hard of hearing twin exclaimed, "Oh my God, both of us?"
That's it for today, my little fur balls. Remember, if you're under the weather today, don't feel alone because so is everyone else. See, that's how weather works. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !