Friday, June 13, 2014
Friday The 13th Warning - Never Trust A Naked Bus Driver
Friday the thirteenth doesn't bother me 'cause I'm not superstitious, but don't press your luck if you go out tonight. Don't trust your date if they're late because they were sharpening their machete. This is not a night to be naked.
On Friday the 13th in 1966, a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was run over by a black rapper. I'm not saying to stay at home and curl up under the bed, but I'm also not advocating that you walk in front of a Mack truck to test the theory either.
To me, it's the little things to keep an eye on this evening. For example, I wouldn't recommend arguing with a woman wearing a black hat tonight. It also occurs to me to avoid hanging out with any of my friends who might be named Jason. No, for the most part, I'm not superstitious but I don't push my luck, either. But, that's just me.....
The News As I See It: Father’s Day is this weekend. The average American will spend $113 on a gift for Father’s Day. In other words, most of us aren't average Americans. Back in the day, I got the same thing every year: A six-pack and a scratch-off ticket and if I won, I had to split it. The richer Dads got a tie and underwear.
For the second day in a row, Obama made an unscheduled trip out of the White House, this time for a burger at a nearby restaurant. Obama wants to be out of the White House more than Hillary wants to be in it. Well, almost.
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was defeated in the primary election. He spent $5 million on his primary campaign. What is wrong with this country when you can no longer buy an election?
Last Wednesday was the 20th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson arrest. That trial just went on and on. And when they announced the verdict, 300 million people were watching. Today they all remember exactly where they were when they said, "You gotta be f*ckin' kidding!"
Later in his life, Simpson was arrested, tried, and convicted. for stealing sports memorabilia. He's in prison now. Double homicide, not a problem. Stealing sports memorabilia? That'll send his ass to the slammer.
Kim and Kanye are on their honeymoon. It's going to last until this weekend. Not their honeymoon, their marriage. They're honeymooning in Mexico. Republicans and Democrats agree that if there's ever a time to seal the border, this is it.
This Date In History: 1900; The Boxer Rebellion began in China. 1966; The U.S. Supreme Court set forth in Miranda v. Arizona that the police must advise suspects of their rights upon taking them into custody.
1967; Thurgood Marshall was nominated to become the first African American on the U.S. Supreme Court. 1971; The New York Times began publishing the "Pentagon Papers."
1983; The U.S. space probe Pioneer 10, launched in 1972, became the first spacecraft to leave the solar system. 1986; Bandleader and clarinetist Benny Goodman died. 2000; The first meeting between Pres. Kim Jong Il of North Korea and Pres. Kim Dae Jung of South Korea occurred.
Picture Of The Day: This fine picture was taken by my friend and photographer Mimi Paris. I was especially taken by the lighting and color.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Any time someone says "Have you seen that YouTube video?", I always say yes because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone. 2) I thought I was feeling the winds of change this morning, but it was just a hole in my shorts. 3) Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type "scorned" and having it auto-corrected to "scrotum" 13 times in a row. 4) Some woman asked me if I was "herb friendly". I told her I like basil and dill and she just walked away. I guess she didn't have the thyme to discuss it. 5) (Me): "You've dimmed the lights already, Ma'am. Aren't we a bit forward (smiles suggestively)? (Optometrist): Sir, just read the letters on the screen.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 13th: You will be complimented many times today by the opposite sex. Don't be mislead. You can marry more money in ten minutes than you can earn in a lifetime. Your love life will change a bit this week. Love is like a fire. You never know if it will warm your heart or burn down your house. Personally, I'd keep a fire extinguisher nearby.
Birthdays: My pals Martha and Randy - Happy Birthday 19XX, William Butler Yeats, Irish poet and playwright 1865, Mary Antin, writer, activist 1881, Dorothy L. Sayers, writer 1893, Christo, artist (?) 1935.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."
After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
She said to her husband, "Does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" He thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An older couple shopping in a very crowded mall. The the wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around. She became very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband to ask where he was.
The husband, in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife, crying, said, "Yes, I remember". Her husband said, "Well, I'm in the bar next to that jewelry store."
Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. Charlie asks, "So, how'd it go, Harry?"
Harry said, "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."
Charlie tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" Harry said, "Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."
That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, a truly perfect marriage would be one between a blind woman and a deaf man. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !