Monday, July 7, 2014
The Annual Running Of The Fools.....I Mean Bulls
In past history, overpopulation has been controlled by war and disease. Modern medicine, to a degree, has negated nature's way of thinning the herd, leaving an excess of dimwits. But fear not. The annual Fiesta de San Fermin also known as the "Running of the Bulls" has begun.
The event involves the running of the bulls through the historic heart of Pamplona, Spain and participants try to outrun the bulls without getting injured or killed. It was made famous by the 1926 Ernest Hemingway novel "The Sun Also Rises". Four people were hospitalized on the first day of the daily race through the narrow, cobbled streets that form part of the northern city’s week-long festival.
The first bull running is on July 7, followed by one on each of the following mornings of the festival, beginning every day at 8 am. Among the rules to take part in the event are that participants must be at least 18 years old, run in the same direction as the bulls, not incite the bulls and not be under the influence of alcohol.
While the first two rules are good and usually obeyed, the last two rules are always ignored. Therein lies my definition of the thinning of the (human) herd of idiots and dimwits. Unfortunately, the bulls, who are stabbed and gored by Picadores on horseback, have less than a fighting chance. When the matador makes his entrance, the exhausted bull usually doesn't stand a chance.
I always root for the bull and there are occasions when the bull wins.
The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton, under pressure by students at the University of Nevada-Las Vegas to return and donate the $225,000 speaking fee for her upcoming appearance, said on Friday that she has donated all the money she has earned from her public speaking appearances at colleges and universities in the past year and a half to the Clinton Foundation.
I applaud her heartfelt donations as I, too, have donated all monies earned from my music and performances to my charity, the "Send Jimmy To The French Riviera Foundation."
This Date In History: 1456; Twenty-five years after her execution, Pope Calixtus III annulled the heresy charges brought against Joan of Arc. 1797; William Blount of Tennessee became the first U.S. senator to be impeached.
1846; Commodore John D. Sloat occupied Monterey and declared California annexed to the United States. 1898; The United States annexed Hawaii. 1946; Italian-born Mother Frances Xavier Cabrini was canonized, becoming the first American saint.
1981; President Ronald Reagan nominated Sandra Day O'Connor for the Supreme Court. 2005; 52 people were killed and hundreds injured in London when terrorists bombed subways and a bus.
Picture Of The Day: The bulls have been turned loose and the dummies prepare to be trampled.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. "Jimmy doesn't have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?" 2) Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. 3) I childproofed my home but the little bastards are still getting in. 4) By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry". 5) You've never truly appreciated Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 7th: There are days when it feels like the whole world is a tuxedo and you're a pair of brown shoes. This happens from time to time, but fret not. Drinking and sex makes you alert and ready to face the world. It's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
Birthdays: Joseph Jacquard, inventor 1752, Gustav Mahler, composer, conductor 1860, Marc Chagall, painter 1887, Leroy "Satchel" Paige, American baseball player 1906, Robert A. Heinlein, science-fiction writer 1907, Pierre Cardin, fashion designer 1922, Ringo Starr, musician 1940, Michelle Kwan, figure skater 1980.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. His father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane! Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
The father said, "So, that's when you jumped?" The son said, "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
His father said, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go."
The son continued, "Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'"
The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son replied, "Well, a little, at first."
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men can still think fast.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."
There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, because they are so sour they make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."
Thieves robbed and bound a Miami man yesterday. They gagged him with a piece of rope and covered his eyes with masking tape. He was able to chew through the rope after two hours of trying. His inspiration came from remembering eating his wife's pot roast.
That's it for today, my little french fries. Remember, cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !