Wednesday, July 9, 2014

"When I Was Your Age....."

Parents always seem to have those "I walked six miles a day, barefoot through snow, uphill both ways, to get to school" stories. My friend once told my Dad about his colonoscopy, telling him about the pain and pressure that he felt while the camera was in "Neverland". Dad told him that, back in the day, his colonoscopy was done by a sketch artist.

I can't imagine what today's parents will tell their kids about growing up. I mean, what are you going to say? My cell phone camera didn't have a flash feature? I only got a used car when I turned sixteen? I can't wait to hear those stories of "suffering".

Thousands of immigrant children crossed the border illegally, mostly from Honduras. Obama wants an additional 3 billion dollars to deal with them. How does an eleven-year-old child make the 1300 mile trip across Mexico to the U.S. border. Heres a plan. Put their young asses on a bus and send them back!

The News As I See It: This week is the annual Running of the Bulls in Spain. So, if you’re sick of all the fake injuries at the World Cup, get ready for some real ones. The Running of the Bulls tradition started in the 1500s. Instead of saying it is too dangerous, they said, "You know, if we got drunk enough we could turn this into a festival."

It's a terrifying feeling to be rushed by that giant herd of creatures. It's like being the last candy bar at Honey Boo Boo's house.

Last week the U.S. was eliminated by Belgium at the World Cup. And next week Belgium will be eliminated by drones.

An 81-year-old-woman in the U.K. went sky diving to help raise money for a local hospital. They didn’t raise a lot of money, but they did get a new patient.

Target Field in Minnesota will have self-serve beer machines at the All-Star Game next week. Big deal. My dad had a self-serving beer machine 40 years ago. It was called "Jimmy."

Yesterday, in 1776, the Liberty Bell rang in Philadelphia to announce the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia's called the City of Brotherly Love. The name comes from the Greek word "filla," meaning brother, and "delphia," meaning cheesesteak. A Philly cheesesteak is made of steak, bread, cheese, onions and a complete disregard for your health.

This Date In History: 1816; Argentina formally declared independence from Spain. 1850; Zachary Taylor, the 12th president of the U.S., died after only 16 months in office. 1872; The doughnut cutter was patented by John F. Blondel of Thomaston, Maryland.

1896; William Jennings Bryan delivered his "cross of gold" speech at the Democratic National Convention. 1900; The British Parliament proclaimed that as of Jan. 1, 1901, the six Australian colonies would be united at the Commonwealth of Australia.

1974; Former U.S. chief justice Earl Warren died in Washington, DC. 1997; Boxer Mike Tyson was temporarily banned from boxing for biting Evander Holyfield's ear.

2002; Baseball's All-Star Game ended in a tie after 11 innings. Both sides had run out of pitchers. 2011; After more than 50 years of struggle, South Sudan declares independence and becomes Africa's 54th state.

Picture Of The Day: The serenity of this picture just blew me away.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. 2) A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 3) My friend's daughter was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then she realized she could just like Facebook photos to save lives. 4) My ex-wife and I never thought alike. She donated money to the homeless, and I donated money to the topless 5) It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - July 9th: You may get that feeling to "wander" this week, but it's not a good idea. Changing an ill fitting shirt for another ill fitting shirt won't help. Remember, a relationship is like wine. It gets better with age. Alas. it also makes you say things you regret, but I digress.....

Birthdays: Ann Radcliffe, novelist 1764, Elias Howe, inventor 1819, Nikola Tesla, electrical engineer, inventor 1856, Dorothy Thompson, journalist 1893, Donald H. Rumsfeld, secretary of Defense 1932, David Hockney, artist 1937, Tom Hanks, actor 1956, Courtney Love, singer 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Welcome! Because we are currently operating at 99 percent capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance." The blonde agrees.

St. Peter says, "Here's your question: Name two days of the week that begin with the letter T." The blonde says, "Today and tomorrow!" St. Peter says, "Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?" The blonde says, "That's easy. Twelve!" St. Peter says, "Twelve?" The blonde says, "Yeah! January second, February second, March second---"

St. Peter says, "Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What is God's is name?" The blonde says, "That's easy. It's Howard" St. Peter says, "Howard?" The blonde says, "You know, 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers and says, "Been on vacation yet, lads?'' John says, "Off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

The bartender says, "Ah, England, wonderful Country. The history, the beer, the culture...'' John interrupts, "Nah, we don't like that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English. They're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

The bartender asks, ''So why keep going to England ?" John says, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

 A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't,"

This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

That's it for today, my little whipper snappers. Remember, Fettuccini Alfredo is just macaroni and cheese for adults. I think I'll mosey over to AREA 51.  It's been a while since I've mosied.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

The best Cheese steak sandwich was in a sleazy joint on the water front in Philly. Years later I asked the guy who took me there to take Sherry and I back, he did not remember telling me about the greatest sandwich ever. You cannot trust a sailor.
I think it is smart to wear a condom in the rain.....
Thanks for the education....
Nite Jim bob