Monday, September 1, 2014
Parts Of Today's Post Have Been Recycled
On this beautiful Labor Day, I've begun to notice how people react to growing older, including myself. The first time I really noticed was the day one of my friends complimented me on my new alligator shoes and I was barefoot.
The little idiosyncrasies of life are becoming more noticeable. At first, it was the little things. I realized I no longer cared where my girlfriend went, as long as I didn't have to go with her. Little things bother me like being cautioned to slow down by my doctor instead of the police.
The term "getting lucky" now means remembering where I parked my car. An "all nighter" used to have a more significant meaning. Now it means not having to get up in the middle of the night to go pee. It's not just me, either. When one of my buddies tells me he's, "getting a little action", he means he didn't need to take any fiber that day.
But, there's a good side of things too. I've now realized that any man could have the mind and body of a 30-year-old, as long as he buys her a few drinks first. See, a younger man may know the rules but the older man knows the exceptions.
Yep, I can remember every detail of my life story. I just can't remember how many times I've told have the same person. One thing is for sure. As I've grown older, my memory isn't as good as it used to be. Also, as I've grown older, my memory isn't as good as it used to be......
The News As I See It: Colorado has made nearly $30 million in taxes from marijuana sales. That's in addition to the $40 million they made taxing Doritos. It goes hand-in-hand.
A town in Minnesota elected a dog named Duke as its mayor. Yep, they elected a mayor that pees on the street, sleeps on the floor and eats out of the garbage.
The city of Toronto said, "Been there!" A new poll found that Obama's approval rating has hit a new low of just 40 percent. Or as Obama put it, "60 under par!"
This Date In History: 1807; Former U.S. vice president Aaron Burr was found innocent of treason. 1923; A devastating earthquake struck the Japanese cities of Tokyo and Yokohama. Nearly 150,000 people were killed and more than two million left homeless.
1939; World War II began when Nazi Germany invaded Poland. 1969; A coup in Libya toppled the monarchy of King Idris and brought Muammar al-Qaddafi to power. 1983; A Korean Air Lines Boeing 747 was shot down by a Soviet jet fighter, killing all 269 people aboard.
1985; A joint U.S.-French expedition located the wreck of the Titanic 560 miles off the coast of Newfoundland. 2004; Chechen terrorists took about 1,200 schoolchildren and others hostage in Beslan, Russia. Commandos stormed the school on September 3rd
Picture Of The Day: Maybe you can take it with you.....!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I asked my mom once how she knew dad was "the one". She said, "Because DNA tests don't lie." 2) I wonder if anyone has anybody tried unplugging Obama and Congress and then plugging them back in? 3) Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person's confidence, but nobody in the park seemed to appreciate it.
4) Christina Aguilera named her baby girl "Summer Rain". That's profound. I think her source of inspiration must have been a can of Glade air freshener. 5) Somewhere a village is missing its' idiot. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm drunk and I can't remember where I live.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 1st: Look left and right before taking your next step. What you believe to be a good idea will prove to be wrong, especially if it involves a billy goat. Eat a live toad today and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the week, assuming you don't go with me to happy hour.
Birthdays: My friend Don - Happy Birthday 19XX, Engelbert Humperdinck, composer 1854, Francis William Aston, physicist and chemist 1877, Walter Philip Reuther, labor leader 1907, Rocky Marciano, undefeated heavyweight champion boxer 1923, Seiji Ozawa conductor 1935, Gloria Estefan musician 1957.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running, reaches the edge and into the wind he goes
Meanwhile, his Ma and Pa were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen! Ma says, "Pa, look at the size of that bird! Pa gets up and grabs his 12 gauge shotgun. He takes careful aim and.....Boom! Boom!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. Ma says, "Pa, I think ya missed him. Pa replies, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"
An Asian man arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" The passer-by hisses, "I'm not American, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by and says, "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I am not American, I am from Nigeria."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Pakistan, I am not an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole." One of the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!"
Bob said, "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."
An old Scot and a young Scot were sitting in the pub talking. The old man says to the young man, "Son, look out the window. You see that stone fence stretching out across the moor as far as yer eye can see? Well, I built that fence with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Nooooo."
The old Scot continued, "Now ya take a look up at the bar. See the perfectly constructed thing of beauty stretching across this great hall? Well, I built that bar with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? Nooooo."
The old Scot said, "Now take a look toward the sea. Do you see that magnificent pier, sturdy and straight, unmoving againt the sea and all her wrath? Well, I built that pier with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? Nooooo."
Then MacGregor leans in close to the young man and whispers, "But ya screw one goat….."
That's it for today, my little dilly dallies. Remember, the key ingredients for a successful diet are: Duct tape, rope, rat poison, a shovel, a bag of lime, a good alibi..... Wait! That's the wrong list. As you were......
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !