Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Random Thoughts And A "Perfect Martini"

After the College Championship Football game, as if by unwritten law, every lowlife asshole known to man immediately celebrated by setting fire to cars and generally causing mayhem. Where are snipers when you need them? Time to thin the herd.

Why does Hussein Obama find it difficult to refer to the current wave of terrorism as "Radical Islam"? Every other world leader does. Everyone! Perhaps he's worried about offending his relatives.

He couldn't make it to the world memorial walk in Paris yet he managed to send several White House representatives to Michael Brown's funeral. Damn, you'd think he could have at least sent "Podium Al" Sharpton to Paris as his personal representative.

On a different note, my battle with Microsoft has come to a successful conclusion after 8-10 hours of phone calls to the off-shore techs in the Philippines and Costa Rica. They re-installed Windows 7 and to date, everything is running smoothly and Samantha has resumed her position sitting on the keyboard.

And finally, the bug I have been fighting is displaying the surrender flag, although, in the terms of surrender, the tricky little bastard has reserved the right to cough at will at inopportune times such as when I am speaking to others or on the phone. Fortunately, most  everyone tolerates the cough attack, patiently waiting to see if I will pull through the coughing bout or simply die.

My "Perfect Martini' has been in constant contact with me to make sure I'm okay. Un besito, mi amor!

The News As I See It: A congressman from Texas sent out a tweet comparing Obama to Hitler. That is ridiculous because at this point in his career, Hitler had a much higher approval rating.

After Mitt Romney announced he was considering a 2016 presidential campaign, his former running mate Paul Ryan announced that he will not run. Ryan won't say who he'll support. He just wants the best man for the Jeb.....Job, I mean job.

Fifteen states have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it’s now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks.

New research suggests that men who regularly post selfies are more likely to have psychopathic tendencies. While women who regularly post selfies are more likely to be a Kardashian.

This Date In History: 1639; The first constitution of Connecticut, Fundamental Orders, was adopted. 1784; The United States ratified treaty with England ending the Revolutionary War. 1943; President Roosevelt and Prime Minister Churchill meet at the Casablanca Conference.

1953; Tito formally became the first president of the Republic of Yugoslavia. 1954; Marilyn Monroe married baseball legend Joe DiMaggio. 1963; George Wallace sworn in as Alabama's governor, promising "segregation forever."

1973; The Miami Dolphins became the first NFL team to go undefeated and have a perfect season by beating the Washington Redskins in Super Bowl VII. 1990; The Simpsons premiered on television. 2008; Bobby Jindal takes office as governor of Louisiana as the first elected Indian-American governor of the U.S.

Picture Of The Day: For my car lovers, do any of you know if this carburetor would fit a small block Chevy?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The doctor came out of the operating room and said, "I'm sorry sir, your mother-in-law didn't make it." The man answered, "Was it the lack of prayers on Facebook?" The doctor replied, "Yes sir, I'm afraid it was." 2) If your smart phone gets wet, put it in a bag of dry rice. Then at night, the rice will attract Asians and they will fix all your electronics for you.

3) The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over. 4) My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one. 5) My girlfriend and I are re-enacting "Titanic". We're at the part where Rose is naked on the couch. I can't draw well. I think my pencil may be out of lead.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCapricorn - January 14th: Feeding stray cats and dogs is admirable and may seem important to you today in order to get a feeling of self worth and satisfaction. Do be careful of squirrels as they have been known to want to nest in your hair. Disregard this warning if you are bald.

Birthdays: Benedict Arnold, general and traitor 1741, Henri Fantin-Latour, painter 1836, Berthe Morisot, impressionist painter 1841, R.F. Outcault, cartoonist and illustrator 1863, Albert Schweitzer, Alsatian Medical Missionary 1875, John Dos Passos, novelist 1896, Harold Russell, soldier and actor 1914, Faye Dunaway, actress 1941, Shannon Lucid, astronaut and biochemist 1943, Maureen Dowd, journalist 1952, Steven Soderbergh, filmmaker 1963, Emily Watson, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it.

He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states, "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh." Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh, he sits and waits for his bus.

Shortly after sitting down, a man walks up to him and says, "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say, 'Pass me the salt, please' but, I accidentally said, 'You've ruined my life you horrible, useless bitch."

A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. He asked the doctor, "Why are all the blinds closed?"

The surgeon responded, "They're fighting a raging fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

He said, "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. I'm with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure.....cross my heart"

Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." (Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.)

The Catholic Church requires women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a blouse." The woman replied, "But Father, I have a divine right !"

The priest says, "I can see that and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

That's it for today, my little primroses. Remember, a true dilemma is when your fifteen-year-old daughter brings home a weird tattooed guy with a rainbow colored Mohawk hairdo, but your garden is already completely full of corpses. AREA 51 is still iffy but I'm getting better each day.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Hope Area 51 remembers you. Funny jokes tonight, thanks for the laughs.

jack69 said...

Very good read today. That Cow Girl Paula knows the important stuff!

So now, thanks to you, I know what the rice is for.
TAke care and we be so glad you are better....