Friday, January 30, 2015
Back In The Day And Getting Older
Since I don't see me very often, I forget that I'm not 25 any longer. Unfortunately, there is always that occasional reminder that brings me back to reality. I got new glasses today and, while waiting, I observed other people waiting for their glasses, which amused me.
My mirth was quickly wiped off my face when I tried on my new glasses and looked into the mirror, only to see some old guy with glasses looking back at me. Yep, it's been a while since I've seen 25.
The featured picture of me is circa 1985 and as you can see, my hair was much darker, Then again, it was 30 years ago. I was performing at Skywalkers Supper Club with Los Continentales, a very talented local group and a pleasure to perform with.
But that was then and nowadays, I have to wait in the morning for the old guy in the bathroom, washing his hands and gargling with my mouthwash. Fortunately, I still clean up pretty well and with the help of smoke and mirrors, I rarely have anyone call the morgue.
But mornings are tough. There are some mornings when even I shudder as I gaze upon myself. The closest way to paint a mental picture of how I look in the morning is to show this picture of actor Nick Nolte's mug shot after his arrest.
Nevertheless, I don't think I'd change a thing in my life. Life is good and I'm surrounded by family and good friends.....
Author's Note: My infamous keyboard incident where I spilled my scotch has taken its toll and my new keyboard should arrive within days. Until then, I have to put up with this sticking keyboarddddddddd.
The News As I See It: If you want to go to the Super Bowl in Phoenix, it will cost you a lot of money, double what they were last year. The average asking price is around $6,000 per ticket. Do people not know the game is on television this year?
On eBay, a group of four Super Bowl tickets is going for $51,000. Although to be fair, that price includes a full-body rubdown from stadium security.
This Date In History: 1649; King Charles I of England was beheaded. 1933; Adolf Hitler was named Chancellor of Germany. 1948 Gandhi was assassinated. 1968; North Vietnamese forces launched attacks against the South Vietnamese, beginning the Tet offensive.
1972; British troops opened fire on civil rights marchers in Northern Ireland, sparking the "Bloody Sunday" massacre. 1979; The Iranian civilian government announced that the exiled Ayatollah Khomeini would be allowed to return.
Picture Of The Day: Puppies! I love puppies and kittens too, but today is puppy day.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I always carry a picture of my girlfriend in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there. 2) John 3:16, Matthew 3:17, Luke 3:18. It was a very close race. 3) She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano. 4) Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics 5) Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady, I always hand her a card that states "A mild sense of nausea is perfectly normal.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 30th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio today.A report of startling significance will land on a desk near you over the coming week. This report will tell you everything you need to know about the feelings of another and will help you understand how to begin living the rest of your life. Let's just hope it's not a police report.
Birthdays: Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States 1882 Gene Hackman, actor 1930, Richard, Brautigan writer 1935, Vanessa Redgrave, actress 1937, Richard Cheney, Vice President of the United States 1941, Michael Dorris, American writer 1945, Christian Bale, actor 1974.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".
Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."
A student nurse found an elderly gentleman dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. Since hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged, she brought the man a wheelchair, although he insisted he didn't any help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked him if his wife was meeting him. He answered, "I don't know. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied, "I'm not sure but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem. How to carry his entire purchases home.
The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The biker said, "Hey, thanks!" and out the door he went.
In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, "As a matter of fact, I live on Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
That's it for today, my little Chia Pets. Remember, men who dislike waking up at the crack of Dawn usually regret drunk dialing Dawn the night before. The AREA 51 Trek is iffy tonight.
Have a great weekend and more on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !