Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain

Dorothy, Toto, Samantha and I watched Obama, the great Wizard, perform his smoke and mirror act. His speech was political fantasy. It reminded me of the good old days when Nancy Pelosi would stand and applaud even when Obie farted or cleared his throat.

It was funny to watch the democrats stand and applaud everything, while the republicans remained seated and stoic. A lock-step, somewhat choreographed, reaction by the two sides. The words "al-Qaeda is on the run", "Islamic Terrorism" or "the Constitution" never crossed Obama's lips but "fair" and "middle class" flowed like wine.

Obie coddled to his voting base, which included any and every minority he could remember. His go-to list included Blacks, Hispanics, gays, lesbians and trans-gender while insisting that the upper class share the wealth and pay their "fair share".

No mention was made regarding the recent murders of police officers, Black violence and riots, the idea of getting a job and the continuing influx of illegal aliens. All things considered, I should have watched the re-runs of "The Big Bang Theory".....

The front entrance of the Santa Barbara News-Press was recently vandalized and sprayed with the message "The border is illegal, not the people who cross it" in red paint. The attack came amid wider objections to a News-Press headline that used the word "illegals" in a story on California granting driver's licenses to people in the country illegally. The newspaper has since reported that it will not change its usage of the term.

The News As I See It: The big story is yesterday's State of the Union address. During Obama's speech, one cabinet member was asked to stay behind to run the government in case there is a crisis at the Capitol. At least that's what they're telling Biden.

After "American Sniper" made $90 million last weekend, director Michael Moore tweeted yesterday that snipers aren't heroes. I don't know, Michael Moore. If you are that easy to spot, do you really want to make an enemy out of snipers?

For the first time ever, "The View" was beaten in the ratings by another daytime show called "The Talk." However, both shows are losing viewers to something called the "Off button."

In Florida, a teenage boy was arrested for posing as a doctor. After hearing about it, Dr. Phil said, "Wait, it's illegal to pose as a doctor?"

New York’s JFK Airport has plans to open the world’s first airport terminal for animals next year. Not to be outdone, LaGuardia has announced plans to finally open a terminal for humans.

This Date In History: 1793; King Louis XVI was guillotined for treason. 1915; The first Kiwanis Club was founded in Detroit. 1924; Vladimir Ilyich Lenin died in Moscow. 1950; Former State department official Alger Hiss found guilty of perjury. 1950; George Orwell died in London.

1954; USS Nautilus, the first nuclear-powered submarine was launched. 1977; President Carter pardoned most Vietnam War draft evaders. 2003; The U.S. Census Bureau reported that Hispanics had surpassed Blacks as the largest minority group.

2010; In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court rules in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission that the government cannot restrict the spending of corporations for political campaigns, maintaining that it's their First Amendment right to support candidates as they choose. This decision upsets two previous precedents on the free-speech rights of corporations.

Picture Of The Day: Some things just never change.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end. 2) My girlfriend told me my analogies didn't make any sense. It made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

3) In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a "cronut," which is a croissant-donut. We call these people "midiots," which is a moron-idiot. 4) I was considering re-marrying the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I only wanted to re-marry her for my money. 5) Whoever penned the phrase, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself", has never seen a flying cockroach.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - January 21st: Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. If you don't happen to be near the north of France then chances are you're going to be going to the bar alone. Remember, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic yet!

Birthdays: Ethan Allen, soldier 1738, John C. Fremont, explorer, soldier, and political leader 1813, Thomas Jonathan "Stonewall" Jackson, American Confederate General 1824, Sophia Jex-Blake, physician 1840, Christian Dior, fashion designer 1905, Telly Savalas, actor 1924, Jack Nicklaus, golfer 1940, Placido Domingo, tenor 1941, Geena Davis, actor 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil. Satan asks, "Why so glum?" The guy says, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan says, "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here."

Satan says, "You a drinking man?" The guy says, "Sure, I love to drink." Satan says, "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, you name it. We drink until we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." The guy says,"That sounds great!"

Satan asks, "You a smoker?" The guy replies, "You better believe it." Satan says, "All right! You're gonna love Wednesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead." The guy says, "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan says, "I bet you like to gamble" The guy answers, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "Good, because Thursdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." The guy says, "Cool! I never realized Hell was such a great place!"

Satan asks, "Are you gay?" The guy replies, ".......No" Satan says, "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

Three nuns died in an auto accident. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter was there to greet them. St. Peter said to the nuns, "Before you can enter you each have to answer one question correctly."

St. Peter goes to the first nun and asked, "Who was the first man God created?" The first nun looked at St. Peter and said, "Oh, that's easy, Adam." The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said, "You may enter."

Then St. Peter goes to the second nun and asked, "Who was the first woman God created?" The second nun looks at St. Peter and said, "That's easy, Eve." The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said, "You may enter."

Then St. Peter goes to the third nun and asked, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?" The third woman starts thinking then looked at St. Peter and said, "Oh, that's a hard one." The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said, "You may enter....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

It went on and on and on. neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" The husband replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

There were two friends. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His friend, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad friend died. He was still missed by his friend since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good friend died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day, he asked God where his friend was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that He was sorry but his friend lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good friend then asked God if there was any way for him to see his friend.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his friend. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good friend said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here, and I love it. But I don't understand."

He continued, "If my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't."

That's it for today, my little pets. Remember, never trust anyone named Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking. My regular trip to AREA 51 for happy hour is on hold. I'm actually feeling well enough to go, but other necessary activities preclude it.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Very good line about Michael Moore and Dr. Phil! Good read all the way around, Animal pictures tonight were good (well the 4 legged ones anyway!)
Oh, the keg & the Blonde OUCH

Be good and hope you are in the pink, after the long fight!