Monday, January 12, 2015

Samantha Has Discovered The Toilet Paper Roll

It was just a matter of time, I guess. I got up this morning and entered the bathroom to find the toilet paper completely stripped from the roll. I should have learned when Samantha trapped herself in the bathroom last week.

You see, Samantha likes opening and closing cabinets and doors. So, last week, I got up and saw the bathroom door was closed. I knew she closed the door and trapped herself. I also noticed she had reeled off about two feet of toilet paper, but I didn't really give it much thought at the time. Evidently, I should have!

Of course, Sam disappeared immediately when she heard the tone of my voice this morning. Fortunately, she has the memory of a  mirror (when it's convenient) and later came strolling out of the bedroom. But, when I pointed out the mess, she hightailed it back to her secret hiding spot.

So, currently I am keeping the bathroom door closed. She has gone to the door a couple of times but it doesn't seem to interest her.

She does feel, however, that I need to be accompanied by her when I use the bathroom. That is where she's the most affectionate for some reason, rubbing against me and looking to be petted and scratched. On the other hand, she might just be afraid that I'll pull all the toilet paper off the roll.....

Who, me?

The News As I See It: Obama posted a video on Facebook yesterday announcing his plan to make the first two years of community college free. Unfortunately he was interrupted when Biden got confused and asked if Obama was going to enrol in Politics 101.

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, a potential 2016 presidential  candidate, is releasing his 12th book later this month called, "God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy." The craziest part: that's just his favorite aisle at Wal-Mart.

Macy’s may create a discount clothing chain similar to T.J. Maxx. Meanwhile, J.C. Penney will continue operating out of an unmarked van. Macy's is interested in creating discount clothing stores similar to T.J. Maxx. It'll be great for customers who love the style of Macy's, but prefer all that clothing thrown on the ground.

This Date In History: 1773; The first public museum in the U.S. was established in Charleston, S.C. 1896; H. L. Smith took the first X-ray photograph. It was a hand with a bullet in it. 1915; The U.S. House of Representatives rejected a proposal to give women the right to vote.

1932; Hattie W. Caraway, a democrat from Arkansas became the first woman to be elected to the U.S. Senate. 1964; One month after Zanzibar became independent, the ruling Zanzibar Nationalist Party was overthrown in a violent coup.

1991; A divided Congress gave President Bush the go-ahead on the Persian Gulf War. 1998; Nineteen European countries signed an agreement banning human cloning.

2010; Haiti is dealt a catastrophic blow when a magnitude 7.0 earthquake strikes 10 miles southwest of Port-au-Prince, the country's capital. It is the region's worst earthquake in 200 years. The number of fatalities were between 46,000 and 85,000 people.

Picture Of The Day: The innocent face of a cat masks the little devil in them that occasionally makes one talk to one's self.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Where do I indicate on my donor card that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it "eck-cetera?" 2) If a tree falls in the forest and my girlfriend's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when I get home. 3) I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was break dancing at my bank. 4) What am I gonna do with a river? Could you cry me a beer? 5) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCapricorn - January 12th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the love that you hold in your heart. Spiders have undeniable, but ultimately useless fact when the vacuum cleaner strikes! Do not trust a naked bus driver!

Birthdays: Charles Perrault, poet 1628, Edmund Burke, political writer and statesman 1729, John Hancock, political leader in the American Revolution and signer of the Declaration of Independence 1737, John Singer Sargent, painter 1856, Jack London novelist 1876, P. W. Botha, political leader 1916, James Farmer, civil rights leader 1920, Joe Frazier, boxer 1944, Rush Limbaugh, radio personality 1951 Howard Stern, radio personality 1954.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked, "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd looked puzzled but agreed. Out of the blue, she blurts out, "57". He was stunned but kept his word and allowed her to pick out a sheep.

She picked out the cutest one. He looked at her and said, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

A local man was found murdered in his home in California over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes and the deceased had a banana protruding from his ass. Police suspect a cereal killer.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An older American woman of 40 wanted to get married, but she was only willing to marry a man that had never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. She asks, "What happened?" Her new husband said, "I've never been with a woman, but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him."

The officer continued, "Then, I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me To Sunday-School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "$200? Are you out of your mind?"

That's it for today, my little muskrats. Remember, today's jokes are made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial colors or flavors were added.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I am sure there was an apology and an offer to re-roll the tissue after the earth quake unrolled it. (smile)

Enjoyed the read, here we are enjoying the rain. I like that 'cry me a beer'!, and the Stabucks thing sounds like son Jack. I think Star bucks is his second home.

Good entry. Good entertainment.

Linda Shook said...

Samantha told me that she's bored and wants more toys. More toys & she'll leave the t.p. alone. I'm just the

Linda Shook said...

Samantha told me that she's bored and wants more toys. More toys & she'll leave the t.p. alone. I'm just the