Friday, February 19, 2016

Where's The Sweet-n-low, Mom?

My mother was the greatest! She was my nurse, my teacher and my confidant. She ran interference when Dad was looking for his belt, yet was wise enough to let Dad use it when it was deserved. But in Mom's later years, pilfering sweet-n-low became her hobby.

When I first started to notice Mom's habit, I also realized that many of the seniors were doing the same thing. As one who always takes a handful of napkins out of Burger King, I am not the person to judge, but Mom had pilfering sweet-n-low down to a science.

Every Saturday morning after my father's passing, hangover or not, I picked her up and took her to a little deli not far from Century Village for breakfast. Back in the day, breakfast was $6.34 for the two of us, plus tip every time. The price became so common that I actually began playing the numbers on Cash Three and won a number of times.

Mom always enjoyed her breakfast and during the meal, she would begin putting Sweet-n-low packs in her purse, carefully leaving two or three packs in the bowl so that operation went smoothly. I honestly had fun watching mom pull off her "weekly heist."

Afterwards, I would take her grocery shopping at Publix and I tried a few times to buy her a carton of the product but she wouldn't have it. "Save your money", she would say, "I've got plenty at home."

Later on in life, I learned that a lot of older people, mostly women, were also sweet-n-low absconders. A restaurant owner told me that they were aware of the "crimes" and always added a few pennies to cover the cost, while letting the seniors enjoy their games.

It's The Daytona 500 weekend and there will be NASCAR racing all weekend. If you've never watched 40 cars go around a 2.5 mile high bank track at nearly 200 miles per hour for 500 miles, this would be the race to watch. It should be exciting!

Chase Elliot, son of NASCAR champion, Bill Elliot, will start from the pole position in Sunday's race.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a speech and the crowd actually chanted her name as she opened a cough drop. She got applause for choking — or as Jeb put it, "Must be nice."

After his big win in New Hampshire, they say Hillary's team is trying to dig up dirt on Bernie Sanders. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on Bernie Sanders? An archaeologist.

The big decision for Sanders will be picking a vice president. It's important because whoever he chooses is just a prostate away from being the next president of the United States.

IKEA is being accused of evading over $1 billion in taxes. Prosecutors have actually been after IKEA for years. They've just been having a hard time putting their case together.

Pope Francis scolded a crowd in Mexico this week after people excited to touch him accidentally made him fall. Even the devil was like, "Oh you all messed up now."

When asked about Donald Trump, Pope Francis said that people who build walls are not Christians. And Donald said, "Of course I'm a Christian. Do you know how many carpenters named Jesus I have working for me?"

This Date In History: 1674; The Netherlands and England signed the Peace of Westminster, by which New Amsterdam passed to the English (and was renamed New York). 1807; Aaron Burr, vice president under Thomas Jefferson, was arrested for treason. He was later acquitted.

1878; Thomas Edison patented the gramophone (phonograph). 1942; President Franklin Roosevelt signed an executive order that resulted in the internment of thousands of Japanese-Americans living on the West Coast.

1945; The U.S. Marines went ashore at Iwo Jima. 1959; Britain, Turkey, and Greece signed the agreement granting Cyprus independence. 1968; The first nationwide broadcast of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood aired on PBS.

1997; Deng Xiaoping, Chinese Communist leader, died. 2008; Fidel Castro resigned as President of Cuba after 49 years in power. Raúl Castro, Fidel's brother, succeeded him as president.

Picture Of The Day: Now, truthfully, Look at my Mom. Is this the face of a woman, a mother of three children, who would pifer Sweet-N-Low from a restaurant? You bet your ass it is.....! 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'd like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn't have done this without you. 2) When I was six years old, I played "doctor" with the girl next door. I am still a practicing physician. 3) All men see in only 16 colors, just like Windows default color settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 4) On Friday the 13th in 1966, a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was run over by a black rapper. 5) I'm not saying that she was ugly. I'm just saying I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 19th: This day is tailor made for you. Go to a nice restaurant for lunch and buy a few lottery tickets. Oh, and buy gas...! The prices will continue to rise. Chances for romance are 67 percent and even higher if you've got gas.... from the gas station.... Oh, you know what I mean!

Birthdays: Nicholas Copernicus, Polish Astronomer 1473, David Garrick, actor and dramatist 1717, Eddie Arcaro, jockey 1916, Carson McCullers, novelist 1917, Lee Marvin, actor 1924, Smokey Robinson, singer 1940, Amy Tan, novelist 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A beautiful woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive older man standing alone. She approached him and said, " Hi, my name's Carmen."

The man said, "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?" The woman said, "No, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?" The man replied, "B.J. Titsengolf."

During my first marriage, our parents advised us to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife still got pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Aside from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family." No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless.

The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

That's it for today, my little hush puppies. Remember, when decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Ah yes, I know some of these ladies, just like Mom!
Some great lines tonight.

Good read as usual!
From beautiful (cool) NOrrh CArolina

Paula said...

Your Mom is a pretty lady. If you knew John you wouldn't think he would order water and then take Dr. Pepper either.