Friday, April 22, 2016
As a teenager, I would go into the woods and drink beer, because there was less chance of getting caught. But I ran into a bear. So, there I was, raising my right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires and promising not to reveal where he defecates.
In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. That's a better system and I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"
As a fisherman and outdoorsman, I have had other encounters with bears. The Florida Department of Fish and Game advises fishermen and hikers, hunters, and fishermen to keep alert for bears while in the woods and near streams.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop is larger, has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
In another incident, I was in a bar one night and a bear walked in and said, "I want a large rum and ................ a coke. The bartender asked, "What's with the huge pause?" The bear replied, "Oh, them. I've had them all my life."
(Jimmy's Journal cannot attest to the veracity of today's stories.)
The News As I See It: In San Diego, near the border of Mexico, the federal agents found a drug tunnel that is 800 yards long. Imagine running a touchdown the full length of the field eight times. Thank God for football or I wouldn't have any sense of distance.
Donald Trump said something un-Trumpy this morning. He was on “The Today Show” and Matt Lauer asked him about the transgender law and whether Caitlyn Jenner would be welcome to use the bathroom at Trump Tower. Trump said she should be able to use whatever bathroom she wants.
Ted Cruz believes that transgender people should hold it in.
Why is this even a thing? Why does this have to be legislated? I mean, really, how many transgendered people can there even be in North Carolina? Five, maybe? Eight tops.
Queen Elizabeth celebrated her birthday this week. She turned 90 years old. She is the first queen to ever reach that age. There would have been others but they were beheaded.
This Date In History: 1500; Pedro Alvares Cabral discovered Brazil and claimed it for Portugal. 1509; Henry VIII became king of England. 1616; The Spanish poet Cervantes died in Madrid. (Some sources say April 23.) 1864; Congress authorized the inscription "In God We Trust" on coins minted as U.S. currency.
1889; The land rush in Oklahoma began when it was opened to settlers. 1970; The first Earth Day was observed. 1994; Richard M. Nixon died of a stroke at the age of 81. 2000; Armed immigration agents took Elian Gonzalez from the Miami home of his relatives to reunite him with his father.
Picture Of The Day: Kohler, the renown bathroom fixture manufacturer, has come out with their 2016 toilet for women with large derierres. It's called the "Kim Kardashian".
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins. 2) My name is Jimmy but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue. 3) Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage. 4) Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping. 5) Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 22nd: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.
Birthdays: Isabella I, Spanish queen of Castile and León (1474–1504) 1451, Henry Fielding, author 1707, Immanuel Kant, philosopher 1724, Vladimir Lenin, Russian revolutionary 1870, Vladimir Nabokov, author 1899, J. Robert Oppenheimer, nuclear physicist 1904, Charles Mingus, jazz musician 1922, Bettie Page, model, pinup 1923, Jack Nicholson, actor 1937.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is.
The old man responds, "I'm 90 years old." The woman says, "90 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasms'."
Ethel continued, "You know, mutual orgasms here and mutual orgasms there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasms?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Trump and Sanders sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Trump says, "We're planning World War III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Trump says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Trump turns to Sanders and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims."
A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.
The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.
The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.
Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will blind them."
An old man in the front pew of the church stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"
That's it for today, my little kiddie kats. Remember, nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !