Friday, April 15, 2016
I Owe How Much??
Today is Tax Day, a day which I have always despised. Since I own my business, I have always owed money at tax time. One particular year in the '80s, my CPA told me I owed $45k. I had a grand total of about $1k in the bank. Houston: We have a problem!
I asked my accountant to look for (or create) other deductions and he got the amount due down to $38,000. Keep in mind that $38k in 1980 is equivalent to about $120k in 2016. I knew this was going to be a problem but fortunately, I knew a lot of people in the right places so I came up with a plan.
I happened to know the owners of a prominent Miami bank and had done some real estate work for them in the past. I called the president of the bank and explained my dilemma. I asked for a $15k personal, non-secured loan. He told me to apply at my branch.
I submitted my application to the VP (who I knew well). She said she didn't believe it would be approved. I asked her to humor me and submit it anyway.
Two days later, the VP called me and said, "Jimmy, your loan has been approved. Come over and I'll have the check ready, By the way, you're the only man I know who can get a personal, unsecured loan at tax time."
Later that day, I deposited the check, filed my taxes along with my check for $15,000....."
The News As I See It: Bernie Sanders joined the Verizon workers picket line in New York. It’s a perfect match, because Bernie always talks like he’s getting bad reception. Bernie recently received his first senatorial endorsement from Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley or as he’ll be known under President Hillary Clinton, "Ambassador to North Korea Jeff Merkley.
Hillary and Bernie discussed important issues such as national security, the economy and whose supporters are the most annoying on Facebook.
Kourtney Kardashian says that she eats avocado pudding for breakfast. You know the Kardashians are out of touch when they don't even know the word for guacamole.
This Date In History: 1755; Samuel Johnson published his Dictionary of the English Language. 1817; Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet opened the first free American school for the deaf in Hartford, Conn. 1861; In response to the attack on Fort Sumter three days earlier, President Abraham Lincoln declared a state of insurrection and called out Union troops.
1912; Titanic sank off the coast of Newfoundland on its maiden voyage after it struck an iceberg. 1920; A paymaster and guard were murdered in Braintree, Massachusetts. Sacco and Vanzetti were accused of the crime. 1945 Nazi concentration camp Bergen-Belsen was liberated by Canadian and British forces.
1947; Jackie Robinson made his Brooklyn Dodger debut and scored the game-winning run. On April 15, 1997, his number, 42, was retired. 1955; Ray Kroc acquired McDonald's and opened his first restaurant in Des Plaines, Ill., today the official McDonald’s Corporate Museum.
1996; The 100th Boston Marathon was won by Moses Tanui of Kenya. 1998; Cambodian despot Pol Pot, leader of the Khmer Rouge, died. 2013; Two bombs exploded at the Boston Marathon in Boston, Massachusetts, killing 3 and injuring at least 170 others.
Picture Of The Day: The last day to file your taxes is Monday, April 18th. Remember to bring a barrel or raincoat to wear after you pay them.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know you're getting older when you notice the supermarket is starting to play some great songs. 2) The "Law of Probable Dispersal" states that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 3) Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the '80s throwing them at Mario. 4) I think that people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" may have missed a science class or two. 5) There's nothing more disturbing than the first time you hear someone you know using their "whooo's a good dog" voice.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 15th: Although your faults are easy enough to see, you must really make an effort today to let people truly understand the depth of your problems.
Long walks, cold showers and playing with the puppies could be very helpful. Bear in mind I'm referring to puppies of the four legged variety. We wouldn't want another restraining order, would we?
Birthdays: Leonardo da Vinci, Italian painter, sculptor, architect, musician, engineer and scientist 1452, Henry James, novelist 1843, A. Philip Randolph, labor leader 1889, Bessie Smith, singer 1894, Evelyn Ashford, athlete 1957.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Vern was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. The Coroner asked, "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" Vern said, "Yes, sir, that's correct."
The Coroner said, "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass." Vern asked, "Was it a Titleist 3?" The Coroner answered. "Yes, it was." Vern said, "That was my mulligan."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, '"Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."
On a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
The trooper asked, "What's the matter? asked the Trooper. The biker responded tersely, "Carburetor's frozen." The Trooper advised, "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." The biker replied, "I can't."
The Trooper said, "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you, so the next time you can do it. The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, Jill....."
That's it for today, my little puddin' pops. Remember, if you are older than 15 and are madly in love with Justin Bieber, you are one the reasons that dolphins and whales are the most intelligent species. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !