Monday, April 25, 2016
Being A Woman Is No Piece of Cake
Women go above the call of duty to be attractive. My naivete waned when I was first exposed to their required maintenance. My first inkling was the evening I came home and walked into a bevy of blue haired, blue mustachioed ladies painting their nails and toes.
Three attractive women in house robes with no makeup, a dye or rinse in their hair and a bleaching concoction on their mustaches and forearms. I chose to act as natural as I could but the smiles and giggles gave away my total astonishment. Perhaps it was when I stared at the girl with the tinfoil in her hair.
Moreover, with their delicate plumbing and their monthly visitor, women have their hands full. It's loke maintaining a swimming pool. They have to maintain a proper ph balance and avoid yeast infectons.
On top of that, they shave every possible hair off their bodies, put all sorts of creams and ointments for softer skin. I will not delve in diet and maintenance programs
Oh yeah, and they also have to carry a baby for nine months, then give birth, which seems to be the equivalent of passing a watermelon through a relatively small orifice. Nope, I don't want any part of that.
In the majority of all species, the male is usually the more handsome. This aids the male in courtship and allows the more drab female to blend in with her surroundings when raising their young.
Somewhere along the evolutionary trail, human males must have seen their reflection in a river and thought, "close enough." This becomes more evident today as I see many beautiful women, clad in great outfits and heels.
Inevitably, they are usually accompanied by a knuckle dragging, tattooed neanderthal, sporting baggy shorts, t-shirt, baseball cap and wearing flip flops. Interestingly, many women are satisfied and/or accept this.
It's relatively easy to see that women are by far the more hardy of the species. As for men, we are mostly content with what we were born with.....
The News As I See It: If you're not concerned about what is going to happen in the GOP presidential race, just consider Reince Priebus, RNC chairman, is a man whose name is an anagram for "crisp bee urine."
This Date In History: 1901; New York became the first state to require license plates on cars. 1915; British, Australian, and New Zealand forces landed at Gallipoli. 1928; The first seeing eye dog was presented to Morris S. Frank. 1945; Delegates met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.
1953; The Francis Crick and James Watson article describing the double helix of DNA is published in the magazine Nature. 1959; The St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping. 1990; Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua.
1992; Islamic forces took over most of Kabul, Afghanistan after the Soviet-controlled government collapsed. 2003; The Georgia legislature voted to scrap the "Confederate flag" design from its state flag.
Picture Of The Day: Too much work. I get tired just trying to clip my toenails.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog's invisible fence. 2) I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster. 3) I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking or drinking. 4) A woman saying "I'm not angry" is like a dentist saying "You won’t feel a thing." 5) Adulthood is about being able to eat chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the chocolate chip cookies.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 25th: Your vision will never fail as long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes. Everything you read online today will turn out to be a complete scam, but I'm being redundant. Chance of romance is 63.27 percent depending on how you look at it.
Birthdays: Oliver Cromwell, statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi, physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli, physicist 1900, Edward R. Murrow, journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, American jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino, actor 1940, Renee Zellweger, actress 1969, Jason Lee, actor 1970.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else was looking. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, an old cowboy tentatively raised his hand and, while keeping his head down, said, "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you."
One night, after watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", a man and his wife went to bed. The man started getting very frisky, so he asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." The man said, "Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure." He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."
The smallest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest one said, "Yeah!" The littlest one asked, "What do you think that means?" The oldest boy replied, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."
Mendel Rosenblatt was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. Mendel asked the doctor, "How can I get human milk?" The doctor said, "Well, Ethel Goldstein just had a baby, maybe she'll help."
So every day Mendel went to Ethel's house for his daily feed. Ethel was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.
One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Rosenblatt, do you like it?" Mendel sighed, "Mmmm, wonderful." Ethel, her lips parted and eyes aglow, said hesitantly, "Is there anything else you'd like?"
Mendel replied, "As a matter of fact there is," Ruby asked breathlessly, "What?" Mendel licked his lips and said, "Maybe a biscuit?"
That's it for today, my little pea pickers. Remember, offering a floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently frowned upon.
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More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !