Monday, April 4, 2016
Pull My Finger
I don't how old I was when my father first did the old "pull my finger" trick, but I'll never forget the tears of laughter that streamed down his face. Being rather young, my first reaction was how did he do that.
My second reaction was the trick came with a rather unpleasant aroma that even offended Beanie, the family dog. When a fart smelled bad to Beanie, you can be assured it was a doozy
I'm unsure if many females ever had that particular trick played on them, but in the case of men and boys, it's a tradition that's passed down from generation to generation.
As a strong believer in family tradition, I, too, passed this tradition on to my son, Kevin, at a tender age and he just thought that it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen.
Being quick to learn, Kevin soon perfected the art of the trick and proceeded to play it on his mother, sisters and anyone else young or naive enough to fall for it.
Naturally, every time he pulled the trick, all eyes were immediately directed at me. Of course, I feigned complete innocence, alluding that it was probably something he learned at school. I always stuck to that story, but I don't think anyone ever believed me.
The News As I See It: In an interview with a Swedish newspaper, an Iraqi woman revealed that she was married to a man for months before discovering that he was the leader of ISIS. The woman should have been tipped off when during the vows at their wedding the groom said, "Until death to America do us part."
Hillary Clinton said Republicans are trying to act like President Obama's not still president. As it turns out, so does Obama. He's went to Cuba and did the tango in Argentina. He’s basically checking off his bucket list.
This Date In History: 1818; Congress adopted a U.S. flag with one star for each state. 1841; President William Henry Harrison died from pneumonia, one month after his inauguration. 1905; Earthquake in Kangra, India, killed more than 20,000.
1945; The Ohrdruf death camp was liberated from Nazi occupation. 1949; The treaty establishing the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) was signed. 1968; Martin Luther King, Jr., was assassinated. 1973; The ribbon was cut to open the World Trade Center in New York City.
1979; Pakistan prime minister Zulfikar Ali Bhutto was executed by the military. 1981; Henry Cisneros became the mayor of San Antonio, Texas: the first Hispanic mayor of a major U.S. city. 1983; Sally Ride became the first U.S. woman in space aboard the space shuttle Challenger.
Picture Of The Day: Yep, that's what he did!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Did you know that deer live an average of 15 years in the wild, but can live up to 87 years in a condominium on South Beach? 2) Another "World's Oldest Man" has died. This is beginning to look suspicious. 3) I don't think the Swiss were ever overly concerned about war. They included a corkscrew in their army knife. 4) Friend: "Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?" Me: "I'll need a screwdriver." Friend: "Sure what type?" Me: "Absolute or Gray Goose." 5) I accidentally pushed my cat, Samantha ,off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now she's sitting in the corner humming a Sarah McLachlan song.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 4th: The right moment could come at any time this week. Be cuddly and fluffy as possible. The stars look good for you as Jupiter aligns with Mars and foretells of future relationships. Women may scream out your name in bed, especially if you're lying on their hair.
Birthdays: Edward Hicks, painter and preacher 1780, Dorothea Dix, social reformer 1802, William H. Jackson, painter artist and pioneer photographer 1843, Maurice de Vlaminck, painter 1876, Robert Sherwood, dramatist 1896, Muddy Waters, musician 1915, Heath Ledger, actor 1979.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: While out walking along the edge of a bayou, a Louisiana a woman walking with her soon to be ex-husband were discussing property settlement and other divorce issues.
Suddenly they were surprised by a huge 14 foot alligator emerging from the murky water charging at them with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
The woman told the medics, "If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace."
She concluded, "It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the cost of the gun."
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read.....,"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man went before a judge to legally change his name. The judge asked, "What is your, name, Sir?" The man replied, "Harry Lipschitz."
The judge said, "I can see the reasoning behind your desire to change your name, sir. What would you like to change it to?" Harry said, "Murray Lipschitz."
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a man wearing shorts, sandals, a "Vote for Hillary" hat and a "Save the Trees" shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 800-pound grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of loggers wearing "Go Trump" shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest.
The two men pulled the semiconscious man from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Four of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while another placed the injured man in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him and proclaimed, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions! I have heard there was bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" Another replied, "Dude, that was the Pope. He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
The logger said, "Well, he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Chicago and get another one?"
That's it for today, my little whipper snappers. Remember, alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors and occasional weirdos.
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More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !