My cat, Samantha, has several places to hide and sleep. I know most of them, but as any cat owner knows, there are some that I cannot find. Normally, she naps in the known places. When she's in trouble, that's when she's impossible to find.
Today, Sam decided that she would taste my strawberry soda and she knocked the glass on the floor covering everything in red, shards of glass everywhere. As per my usual, I yelled and she ran. Fifteen minutes of cleaning later, she strolls in out of nowhere and quizzically looks around.
That's the norm in the animal world. Dogs have that guilty look and the "I'm sorry" face and cats look at you like it's your fault.
Congratulations to Kyle Bush on his win at Kentucky Speedway Saturday night. Coming off severe leg injuries at Daytona in February, this is Bush's second win since the accident
The News As I See It: Start-up New York ostensibly helps you start, expand or relocate your qualified business to a tax-free zone in New York State with zero taxes for 10 years. What it fails to mention is that New York is one of the highest taxed states in the nation. Residents and businesses moved out in droves and the state is trying to attract new blood to feed on.
Starbucks allows their employees to display tattoos and ear gauges. Those are the round plugs that some people put in their ear lobe to let the world know their dads never played catch with them.
This Date In History: 1533;
Pope Clement VII excommunicated England's King Henry VIII.
1804;
Former vice president Aaron Burr fatally wounded former secretary of the treasury Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Hamilton died the following afternoon.
1864;
Confederate general Jubal A. Early and his troops attacked Washington, DC. They retreated the next day, ending the Confederate threat to occupy the capital.
1914;
Babe Ruth made his major league baseball debut as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox.
1977;
Martin Luther King was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his work to advance civil rights.
1989;
Actor Laurence Olivier died.
1995;
The United States and Vietnam established full diplomatic relations.
2011;
The News of the World, a British newspaper owned by Rupert Murdoch, closes after several allegations that the paper's journalists hacked into voicemail accounts belonging to not only a 13-year-old murder victim, but also the relatives of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Picture Of The Day: Singer Ariana Grande has had to apologize twice after making insulting comments about Americans and inapprpriate behavior at a local Duncam Donuts.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to "Until debt do us part".
2) All of my computer passwords are protected by Old Timer's disease. 3) When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5. 4) Some people have things called wrinkles which are similar to my character lines. 5) I had a paper route when I was a kid. Every morning I would go to 300 houses or two dumpsters, depending on the weather.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 13th: Although you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, bear in mind that you can catch even more flies with manure. Take the time to shave closely tonight as the evening is showing signs of becoming memorable. Chance of romance is partly cloudy with a chance of reins, a whip and handcuffs .
Birthdays: Nathan Bedford Forrest, general 1821, Isaac Babel, writer 1894, Wole Soyinka, playwright, poet, novelist, essayist, and political activist 1934, Patrick Stewart, director 1940, Harrison Ford, actor 1942, Cameron Crowe, director, screenwriter 1957.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent."
She went on, "As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back and says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas, although still silent, smells terribly."
The doctor says, "Ok, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing.
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us."
The old explorer continued, " I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROAR!.......I just shit my pants."
The reporter said, "Wow! Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went 'ROAR!'"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it and circled. He drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "Where Am I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "You Are In A Helicopter."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to the Seattle/Tacoma airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are In A Helicopter" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an older woman walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son....."Go get your Mother."
That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
It's funny how things you say come back to haunt you. In Friday's post, I mentioned that the shinbone was a device for finding furniture in a dark room. Let me add that stepping on your cat's tail in the middle of the night may cause you to stumble and stub your toe against the wall, causing both you and the cat to utter expletives at each other.
Although I am not fluent in cat speak, I assume by his tone that he was displeased at my error and I, of course, was not real happy at his choice of sprawling out and sleeping in the middle of a dark doorway. Fortunately for both of us, we made amends, sat back and a sipped a beer as we read the following story:
A teeny little tuxedo kitty found a new mom, a big Siberian husky who looked after and nursed her as her own. Mushu the kitty was born to a stray cat and later rescued by her human when she was only 8 weeks old. They had a dog named Luna who accepted Mushu as soon as she laid eye on the poor little tux. The love is reciprocal. Mushu chose Luna to be her surrogate mom and they have been inseparable ever since.
The News As I See It: Happy Birthday to Prince Harry, who just turned 28 years old. It was easy for his family to find him a gift — you can’t go wrong with pants.
It’s good to see both presidential candidates creating jobs in the negative campaign ad sector.
The movie "Resident Evil: Retribution" opened this weekend. People become zombies after an experimental medical program goes awry and mutants become undead, bent on destroying the world. Or as Republicans call it, Obamacare.
Obama and Paul Ryan will speak at the AARP’s annual meeting next week. They’re expected to face some tough questions, such as, "Huh?" AARP stands to make millions from Obamacare which is why they endorsed it.
This Date In History: 1787;
The Constitution was completed and signed by a majority of the delegates attending the constitutional convention in Philadelphia.
1862;
The bloodiest day in U.S. military history occurred at the Battle of Antietam when more than 23,000 were killed or wounded.
1908;
Lt. Thomas Selfridge, a passenger in a plane piloted by Orville Wright, became the first airplane fatality when the craft crashed.
1920;
The American Professional Football Association, a precursor of the NFL, was formed in Canton, Ohio.
1980;
Anastasio Somoza Debayle, former president of Nicaragua, was assassinated in Paraguay.
1994;
Heather Whitestone of Alabama became the first deaf Miss America.
2004;
Barry Bonds became the third baseball player (and the first on steroids) to hit 700 career home runs, joining Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth.
Picture Of The Day: The new iphone is much ado about nothing. It is merely a clone of the last last iphone with a few more flashy gadgets to impress the hard of understanding.
On the other hand, the AREA 51 idrink iphone has far more important features such as a flask for your favorite beverage for those places that frown on bringing your own.
Other features include apps for Breathalyzer tests and the iphone-your-wife app which automatically calls your wife if you are unable to drive home (anti-bat on the head protective helmet for staying out late and drinking not included).
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 2) I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally. 3) If you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you better hurry up. 4) There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you're supposed to be doing something else. 5) I sure will be glad when scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 17th: Pillows are a special addition to a couch for a romantic evening, but make sure the pillows don't have Mr. T's face on them. You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on ebay, for sale at low, low prices. This week will see a waning of your libido after your partner decides to shave their hair and starts wearing dungarees to bed. Chance of romance is 95 percent, but I take a pass if I were you.
Birthdays: Christian Louis Lange,
pacifist 1869,
William Carlos Williams,
poet and physician 1883,
Warren Earl Burger,
fifteenth Chief Justice of the United States 1907,
Hank Williams,
country singer 1923,
Anne Bancroft,
actress 1931.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was asked by his wife to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the farmer's market and looked around but couldn't find any.
So he grabbed an old employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at him and said, "No, you'll have to do that yourself."
After setting out an elaborate dinner for two, the bellboy asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" The man replied, "No, thank you. That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.
The bellboy asked. "Would you like anything for your wife?" The man replied, "Yeah, that's a good idea. Bring up a postcard."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde waitress walked into the bar and the bartender asked, "Why are you late?" The blonde explained,
"It was awful. I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident."
The bartender asked, "What happened?" The blonde replied, "A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course."
The bartender queried,
"What did you do?" The blonde replied, "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
A woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait until your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home and as he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." The startled father said, "...but, why?" His wife said, "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
Sonny said, "Well, I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door. They got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with Uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. The Queen said, "Oh Dear. How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."
The Archbishop said, "It's quite understandable, your highness. As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse."
That's it for today, my little mushrooms. Remember, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
