Monday, July 13, 2015

Here Kitty Kitty

My cat, Samantha, has several places to hide and sleep. I know most of them, but as any cat owner knows, there are some that I cannot find. Normally, she naps in the known places. When she's in trouble, that's when she's impossible to find.

Today, Sam decided that she would taste my strawberry soda and she knocked the glass on the floor covering everything in red, shards of glass everywhere. As per my usual, I yelled and she ran. Fifteen minutes of cleaning later, she strolls in out of nowhere and quizzically looks around.

That's the norm in the animal world. Dogs have that guilty look and the "I'm sorry" face and cats look at you like it's your fault.

Congratulations to Kyle Bush on his win at Kentucky Speedway Saturday night. Coming off severe leg injuries at Daytona in February, this is Bush's second win since the accident

The News As I See It: Start-up New York ostensibly helps you start, expand or relocate your qualified business to a tax-free zone in New York State with zero taxes for 10 years. What it fails to mention is that New York is one of the highest taxed states in the nation. Residents and businesses moved out in droves and the state is trying to attract new blood to feed on.

Starbucks allows their employees to display tattoos and ear gauges. Those are the round plugs that some people put in their ear lobe to let the world know their dads never played catch with them.

This Date In History: 1533; Pope Clement VII excommunicated England's King Henry VIII. 1804; Former vice president Aaron Burr fatally wounded former secretary of the treasury Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Hamilton died the following afternoon.

1864; Confederate general Jubal A. Early and his troops attacked Washington, DC. They retreated the next day, ending the Confederate threat to occupy the capital. 1914; Babe Ruth made his major league baseball debut as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox.

1977; Martin Luther King was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his work to advance civil rights. 1989; Actor Laurence Olivier died. 1995; The United States and Vietnam established full diplomatic relations.

2011; The News of the World, a British newspaper owned by Rupert Murdoch, closes after several allegations that the paper's journalists hacked into voicemail accounts belonging to not only a 13-year-old murder victim, but also the relatives of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: Singer Ariana Grande has had to apologize twice after making insulting comments about Americans and inapprpriate behavior at a local Duncam Donuts.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to "Until debt do us part". 2) All of my computer passwords are protected by Old Timer's disease. 3) When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5. 4) Some people have things called wrinkles which are similar to my character lines. 5) I had a paper route when I was a kid. Every morning I would go to 300 houses or two dumpsters, depending on the weather.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - July 13th: Although you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, bear in mind that you can catch even more flies with manure. Take the time to shave closely tonight as the evening is showing signs of becoming memorable. Chance of romance is partly cloudy with a chance of reins, a whip and handcuffs .

Birthdays: Nathan Bedford Forrest, general 1821, Isaac Babel, writer 1894, Wole Soyinka, playwright, poet, novelist, essayist, and political activist 1934, Patrick Stewart, director 1940, Harrison Ford, actor 1942, Cameron Crowe, director, screenwriter 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent."

She went on, "As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back and says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas, although still silent, smells terribly."

The doctor says, "Ok, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing.

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us."

The old explorer continued, " I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROAR!.......I just shit my pants."

The reporter said, "Wow! Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went 'ROAR!'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it and circled. He drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "Where Am I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "You Are In A Helicopter."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to the Seattle/Tacoma airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are In A Helicopter" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an older woman walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son....."Go get your Mother."

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


RealDreamer said...

Tip: switch to club soda which never stains and drink out of a styrofoam cup, which will never break. You're welcome. ;)

Oh man, did I laugh at the silent, unsmelly fart joke!!

jack69 said...

I like Sam...
That must not be the same Hillary running for president, The presidential runner don't tell no stories.

Now for a fact, I do understand the ROAR!
have a great week. We are back near the Villages for Sherry some Eye Surgery, then if she can see we be headed for the Badlands.