Monday, September 17, 2012
Get Off My #%$! Tail !
It's funny how things you say come back to haunt you. In Friday's post, I mentioned that the shinbone was a device for finding furniture in a dark room. Let me add that stepping on your cat's tail in the middle of the night may cause you to stumble and stub your toe against the wall, causing both you and the cat to utter expletives at each other.
Although I am not fluent in cat speak, I assume by his tone that he was displeased at my error and I, of course, was not real happy at his choice of sprawling out and sleeping in the middle of a dark doorway. Fortunately for both of us, we made amends, sat back and a sipped a beer as we read the following story:
A teeny little tuxedo kitty found a new mom, a big Siberian husky who looked after and nursed her as her own. Mushu the kitty was born to a stray cat and later rescued by her human when she was only 8 weeks old. They had a dog named Luna who accepted Mushu as soon as she laid eye on the poor little tux. The love is reciprocal. Mushu chose Luna to be her surrogate mom and they have been inseparable ever since.
The News As I See It: Happy Birthday to Prince Harry, who just turned 28 years old. It was easy for his family to find him a gift — you can’t go wrong with pants.
It’s good to see both presidential candidates creating jobs in the negative campaign ad sector.
The movie "Resident Evil: Retribution" opened this weekend. People become zombies after an experimental medical program goes awry and mutants become undead, bent on destroying the world. Or as Republicans call it, Obamacare.
Obama and Paul Ryan will speak at the AARP’s annual meeting next week. They’re expected to face some tough questions, such as, "Huh?" AARP stands to make millions from Obamacare which is why they endorsed it.
This Date In History: 1787; The Constitution was completed and signed by a majority of the delegates attending the constitutional convention in Philadelphia. 1862; The bloodiest day in U.S. military history occurred at the Battle of Antietam when more than 23,000 were killed or wounded.
1908; Lt. Thomas Selfridge, a passenger in a plane piloted by Orville Wright, became the first airplane fatality when the craft crashed. 1920; The American Professional Football Association, a precursor of the NFL, was formed in Canton, Ohio.
1980; Anastasio Somoza Debayle, former president of Nicaragua, was assassinated in Paraguay. 1994; Heather Whitestone of Alabama became the first deaf Miss America.
2004; Barry Bonds became the third baseball player (and the first on steroids) to hit 700 career home runs, joining Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth.
Picture Of The Day: The new iphone is much ado about nothing. It is merely a clone of the last last iphone with a few more flashy gadgets to impress the hard of understanding.
On the other hand, the AREA 51 idrink iphone has far more important features such as a flask for your favorite beverage for those places that frown on bringing your own.
Other features include apps for Breathalyzer tests and the iphone-your-wife app which automatically calls your wife if you are unable to drive home (anti-bat on the head protective helmet for staying out late and drinking not included).
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 2) I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally. 3) If you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you better hurry up. 4) There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you're supposed to be doing something else. 5) I sure will be glad when scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 17th: Pillows are a special addition to a couch for a romantic evening, but make sure the pillows don't have Mr. T's face on them. You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on ebay, for sale at low, low prices. This week will see a waning of your libido after your partner decides to shave their hair and starts wearing dungarees to bed. Chance of romance is 95 percent, but I take a pass if I were you.
Birthdays: Christian Louis Lange, pacifist 1869, William Carlos Williams, poet and physician 1883, Warren Earl Burger, fifteenth Chief Justice of the United States 1907, Hank Williams, country singer 1923, Anne Bancroft, actress 1931.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was asked by his wife to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the farmer's market and looked around but couldn't find any.
So he grabbed an old employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at him and said, "No, you'll have to do that yourself."
After setting out an elaborate dinner for two, the bellboy asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" The man replied, "No, thank you. That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.
The bellboy asked. "Would you like anything for your wife?" The man replied, "Yeah, that's a good idea. Bring up a postcard."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde waitress walked into the bar and the bartender asked, "Why are you late?" The blonde explained, "It was awful. I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident."
The bartender asked, "What happened?" The blonde replied, "A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course."
The bartender queried, "What did you do?" The blonde replied, "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
A woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait until your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home and as he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." The startled father said, "...but, why?" His wife said, "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
Sonny said, "Well, I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door. They got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with Uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. The Queen said, "Oh Dear. How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."
The Archbishop said, "It's quite understandable, your highness. As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse."
That's it for today, my little mushrooms. Remember, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !