Sweet Dreams

My first mistake today was taking time out to eat some lunch in my recliner and watch some TV. My second mistake was to lean back in the recliner to what I like to refer to as "Cruise Control." That's when I went into the coma.

I woke up to find that my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway had discovered the rest of my sandwich and devoured it. Accordingly, since the recliner was already in the cruise control position, he figured that he would climb up on my chest and take a nap, as well.

I came out of my sleep coma to what sounded like an idling 1957 Chevrolet with the distinct smell of ham and swiss cheese on it's breath. Yep, there was Possum resting peacefully with ham and cheese breath. That's my story for posting late today and I'm sticking to it.

Speaking of cats, take a look at what this cute little kitty enjoys eating..... 



The News As I See It: I hope everyone had a nice Labor Day. It's the day we honor the American worker, an 8-year-old kid in China. It's difficult to recognize Labor Day as a holiday now that Jerry Lewis is not hosting anymore.

A new study has found that men and women see colors differently. We also see everything else differently. Women can perceive more than 50 shades of gray, whereas men see a poorly written book.

The Democratic Convention began yesterday. What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was "Hope and change." It should have been "Hype and Blame." This year the theme is "Hope you don’t make a change."

The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks.

If you're a donor to Obama's campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden — and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden.

Bruce Willis may sue Apple so he can pass down his Apple music collection to his daughter. This could be an important case because if there's one thing teenage girls love, it's their dad's music collection.

This Date In History: 1698; Russia's Peter the Great levied a tax on bearded men. 1774; The first Continental Congress met in Philadelphia.

1836; The Republic of Texas made military hero Sam Houston its first president. 1905; The Treaty of Portsmouth, which ended the Russo-Japanese War, was signed at the Portsmouth naval base in New Hampshire.

1972; Palestinian guerrillas killed 11 Israelis at the Munich Summer Olympics. 1997; Humanitarian Mother Teresa, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for her work with the poor, died in Calcutta, India, at age 87.

Picture Of The Day: "Stop the incessant coverage of these boring political conventions......"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? 2) Women should not have children after 35. Really.....35 children are enough. 3) Whenever I walk somewhere, and someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're telling me, "Here, you go throw this away." 4) A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad.  5) An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 5th: The best things in life are free, including back massages and sex. However, it's also possible to pay for these, as well. I think you'd be better off paying for the massages. You'll feel more relaxed when you make your attempt for sex. Chance of romance is 51.35 percent and that figure will rise if you offer a free massage in exchange for a brief romp in the hay.

Birthdays: My sweet pal Jocelyn - Happy Birthday young lady 19XX, Louis XIV, king of France (1643–1715), son and successor of King Louis XIII 1638, Jesse James, outlaw 1847, Mrs. H. H. A. Beach, composer and pianist 1867, Darryl F. Zanuck producer 1902, Arthur Koestler, writer 1905, John Cage, composer 1912, Bob Newhart, comedian 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship. They are favored to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

In a panic, the coach says, "What? How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over two months." Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. The sex counselor said, "For example, you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. After explaining it to his wife, she hesitantly agreed, "Well, okay, but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away and second, you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." The Rabbi answered, "Yes," The auditor asked, "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?"

The Rabbi responded, "A good question. We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." The auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer, tried another question.

In his obnoxious way, the auditor asked, "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "The Rabbi calmly responded, "We actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

Thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi the auditor asked,  "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? " The Rabbi said, "Here too, we do not waste. What we do is save up all the foreskins. When we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

In disbelief, the auditor questioned, "The Internal Revenue Service?." The Rabbi replied, "Yes, the Internal Revenue Service, and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

That's it for today, my little tinker toys. Remember, you're such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. AREA 51 is my destination this evening for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Gentleman Racer Bobby Coyle

South Florida stock car racer and all around gentleman Bobby Coyle passed away last weekend after a long battle with cancer. Bobby was an accomplished racer and hard charger yet, yet never bullied his way around the track on his way to many victories.

I first met Bobby in the early sixties when none of us were old enough to get into the racing pits. Most of us got to the tracks by either bicycle or shoe leather. They were racing modified 1932-1934 coupes and sedans back in those days.

Oddly enough, I never hung around much with Bobby, yet we'd see each other every weekend and shoot the bull about racing stories. In those days, there must have 50-75 kids in the group and each had their own personal cliques and friends.

Weekend auto racing and I parted ways in the late 1970s though I followed my friends via television and new reports. I recall one evening getting nostalgic and went to Hialeah Speedway to see some of my old friends and one of the first faces I saw  was Bobby Coyle. It had been ten years yet we recognized each other immediately.

I'll always remember Bobby's smiling face and the gentleman that he was. God bless you Bobby and rest in peace!

The News As I See It: Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. That means even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.

In Arizona, the police can consider you suspicious if you have significant difficulty communicating in English. Who knew George Bush was an illegal alien?

This Date In History: 1816; Argentina formally declared independence from Spain. 1850; Zachary Taylor, the 12th president of the U.S., died after only 16 months in office. 1872; The doughnut cutter was patented by John F. Blondel of Thomaston, Maine.

1896; William Jennings Bryan delivered his "cross of gold" speech at the Democratic National Convention. 1900; The British Parliament proclaimed that as of Jan. 1, 1901, the six Australian colonies would be united at the Commonwealth of Australia.

1974; Former U.S. chief justice Earl Warren died in Washington, DC. 1997; Boxer Mike Tyson was temporarily banned from boxing for biting Evander Holyfield's ear. 2002; Baseball's All-Star Game ended in a tie after 11 innings. Both sides had run out of pitchers.

Picture Of The Day: Th

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society (Mark Twain). This does not apply to women (Jimmy Sullivan).  2) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  3) Ladies, don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. 4) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to be eating French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served. 5) God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 9th: Just because it's Monday doesn't mean your day won't go well. By the same token, the lottery is not written for you in the stars either. Just tak the bird in the hand and forget about the two in the bush. Chance of romance is 17.35 percent anyway.

Birthdays: Ann Radcliffe, novelist 1764, Elias Howe, inventor 1819, Nikola Tesla electrical engineer, inventor 1856, Dorothy Thompson, journalist 1893, Donald H. Rumsfeld, secretary of Defense 1932, David Hockney, artist 1937, Tom Hanks, actor 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and as she began throwing off her clothes she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition or one could end up with a dangling participle!

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young woman walked into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest replied, "Confess you sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night, my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest said,"Squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest answered, "No, but it will wipe that smirk off your face."

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read....."And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

That's it for today, my little rose petals. Remember, regular naps prevent old age - especially if you take them while driving. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Mama Don't Take My Kodachrome Away

An old friend may soon go the way of the dinosaurs as Eastman Kodak borders on the verge of bankruptcy. Stock prices have plummeted to less than one dollar a share and things don't look well. Back in the day, we didn't use the word "camera" very often. We just referred to it as the "Kodak."

In a new computer age, resistance to change is futile and companies must constantly adapt and update their products to assure continued success. Most of today's smart phones are quite caple of taking a good picture and many people rely on the instant photograph access for spur of the moment pictures.

Still, Kodak has been a reliable friend over the years and perhaps they will still be able to pull out of their current nose dive. Time will tell.....

General Electric is planning to move its 115-year-old X-ray division from Waukesha, Wisconsin, to Beijing. In addition to moving the headquarters,
the company will invest $2 billion in China and train more than 65 engineers and create six research centers. This is the same GE that made $5.1 billion in the United States last year, but paid no taxes. The same company that employs more people overseas than it does in the united States.

So let me get this straight. Obama appointed GE CEO Chairman Jeff Immelt to head his commission on job creation (job czar). Immelt is supposed to help create jobs. I guess Barry forgot to tell him in which country he was supposed to be creating those jobs.

The News As I See It: Rick Perry said was quitting the Republican race, but then the next morning, he said he's staying in. Hmm......going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all.

Rick Santorum’s campaign is celebrated the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Sadly, it was delivered by Herman Cain.

France apparently passed a new law that makes it harder to become a French citizen. Most people just get lazy, give up and surrender. This, of course, automatically qualifies them to become a French citizen.

The History Channel is planning a new 12-hour miniseries about the evolution of humans. If you missed the episode on Neanderthals, you can just watch the season premiere of "Jersey Shore".

This Date In History: 1540; King Henry VIII of England married his 4th wife, Anne of Cleves. 1759; George Washington married Martha Custis. 1838 Samuel Morse gave the first public demonstration of the telegraph. 1912; New Mexico became the 47th state in the United States.

1919; Former president Theodore Roosevelt died in Oyster Bay, New York. 1987; University of California astronomers first witnessed the birth of a galaxy that contained 1 billion stars. 1994; Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan clubbed on leg by men including husband of rival skater Tonya Harding.

Picture Of The Day: Time has a way of marching on but it's still sad to see the condition of the Kodak company. Faded memories.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My credit is so bad that Mastercard is now sending me my bills in Spanish. 2) This is absolutely the last year I buy another one of those stupid Mayan calendars. 3) When I was married, I took my wife everywhere, but she always found her way back. 4) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 55 I was sitting in AREA 51 last week and I asked a lovely Oriental girl if she knew what an erection was. She said, "Of course, it's when we vote".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 6th: Great times are in store for you tonight. Remember to gas up your car 'cause I'd hate to see you run out of gas on your way home. Don't pet goats tonight. Romance will be the farthest thing from your mind but the chances are 50-50 if you really want to know. Buy a lottery ticket!

Birthdays: Jackie and Natasha are celebrating birthdays today. Happy Birthday ladies! 19XX, Heinrich Schliemann, archaeologist 1822, Carl Sandburg, American poet and biographer 1878, Tom Mix, actor 1880, Khalil Gibran, poet and novelist 1883, Abram Nicholas Pritzker, entrepreneur 1896, Loretta Young, actress 1913, Danny Thomas, actor, singer, dancer 1914 E L Doctorow, novelist 1931, Rowan Atkinson, actor 1955, Nancy Lopez, golfer 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship. His new bride asked lovingly, "What is it?" He said, "I'm a golf fanatic. I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker." Her husband said, "No problem, just widen your stance a little, overlap your grip and that should clear it right up."

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot shook his head and in true pilot fashion said. "And to think that all these years I've just been chewing gum."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Deb and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

There was a woman who was very beautiful, except she had a hare lip. The woman was so embarrassed by her hare lip that she went into the woods to live all alone in a cabin, where no one would ever see her hare lip. At the same time, there lived in the city a man with a wooden eye. He only had one real eye, but he was too poor to buy a glass eye, so he had a fake wooden eye made.

He figured no normal woman would go out with him, but he heard about the woman with the hare lip and he thought maybe she would go out with him. So he wandered through the woods until he found her cabin and he knocked on the door. He was still worried about his wooden eye, but he figured she wouldn't say anything because she'd be so sensitive about her hare lip.

He knocked on the door, introduced himself and said, "Would you like to go out with me?" She was thrilled, because no one had ever asked her out before. He said again, "Would you like to go out with me?" and she said, "Would I? Would I?" And he said, "Hare Lip! Hare Lip!" And neither of them were heard from again.

A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" The blonde said, "Yes, do you need a lift?" The man said, "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck."

He continued, "My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." The blonde said, "Sure, I'll be happy to help out.".

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car, were carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

The truck driver said, "What are you doing here? I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." The blonde said, "I did, but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake, while her dad gets his haircut. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." The little girls says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."

That's it for today my little dixie cups. Remember, the sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Have You Ever Felt Like The World Was A Tuxedo And You Were A Pair Of Brown Shoes?

It's been one of those days. My computer is on it's menstrual cycle and my cable has been intermittent at best. Perhaps the 40 degree temperature in "sunny" Miami is affecting it. I did manage to post a picture of one of my favorite bars before Blogger decided that it's sole purpose for today was to make my life miserable. It's time for scotch on the rocks!

A politically correct advocate would say that Barack Obama's approval rating is 42 percent and that Congress' approval rating is 9 percent. The fact, is that Obama's disapproval rating is 58 percent and Congress' disapproval rating is 91 percent. How is it that we continue to allow these assholes to run this country?

The Iowa Caucus is over Rominey and Santorum finished 1-2 and Michele Bachmann finished last and dropped out of the race. Wow, who'd a thunk it?Now, aren't you glad you listened to two weeks of non-stop bullshit?

The News As I See It: 2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed. In the interim, you can tell that Christmas is officially over. The sidewalk Santas are back to selling crack.

The Iowa caucuses are finally over and Mitt Rominey narrowly beat Rick somebody. Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. You know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull.

Obama’s campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video is 15 seconds long.

Police have detained a suspect in a huge string of arson attacks. This guy was going around Los Angeles setting dozens of cars on fire. And he was setting the cars on fire the old-fashioned way: without a Lakers championship. The car owners whose cars were burned were really upset, except for the people that owned Kias. They were thrilled.

The suspect in the recent arson fires is a German man who is upset about his mother's immigration status. Apparently his mom didn't know you could just walk over from Mexico

This Date In History: 1885; Dr. William W. Grant of Davenport, Iowa, performed what is thought to be the first appendectomy. 1896; Utah was admitted as 45th state in the United States. 1904; In Gonzales v. Williams, the U.S. Supreme Court decided that citizens of Puerto Rico are not aliens and can enter the U.S. freely.

1948; Burma (Myanmar) gained independence from Great Britain. 1951;
During the Korean War, North Korean and Communist Chinese forces captured the city of Seoul. 1965; President Johnson outlined his "Great Society" in his State of the Union address.

1999; Former wrestler Jesse Ventura was sworn in as Minnesota's governor. 1999; The U.S. Mint began distributing the 50 State Quarters.

Picture Of The Day: No pictures today. Blogger has decided that it is going to be a pain in the ass today and I'm unsure if this post will even reach it's destination.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not saying that she was ugly. I'm just saying I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs. 2) Regular naps prevent old age -- especially if you take them while driving. 3) Although I've never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 4) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 5) Brother Kirt bought a Japanese camera. When he takes a picture, the camera goes "Crick".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 4th: At least it's hump day. That's a good sign for you today. Wear light colors tonight, it will improve your evening especially if you decide to go on a long walk. Chances of romance are at 62.3% unless you're looking for love in Miami where its so cold that every pecker in town looks like a very timid turtle peeking out of it's shell..

Birthdays: My pal Linda from Washington State - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Sir Isaac Newton, mathematician, scientist 1643, Benjamin Rush, physician, signer of the Declaration of Independence 1746, Louis Braille, inventor of Braille system 1809, Sir Isaac Pitman, inventor of phonographic shorthand 1813, Tom Thumb, entertainer 1838, Jane Wyman, actress, producer 1914, Floyd Patterson, boxer 1935.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man left work one Friday afternoon. Since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, " That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

That's it for today my little jellybeans. Remember, they say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love. After marriage, it is self-defense. Chances are I'll be heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Possum S. Hemmingway

So you ask, what does Possum S. Hemmingway do when he's not watching Cats 101 on Animal Planet? He sleeps! Yep, Shithead, as he's affectionately known, is not one to waste time on silly things. His motto? When in doubt, take a nap.

That is, until I'm recording a song in my home studio. He always feels it necessary to add an occasional meow to my recording, rendering it useless. Then, he has the audacity to get pissed when I erase the song and start over. Yep, Shithead does his best work when he should be sleeping.

When I'm sleeping, however, he feels it's a good idea to go through the house and open every door and cabinet that he can find. The only reason that he doesn't open the front door and go for a walk is that he can't figure out how to unlock the door.

If all that commotion doesn't wake me, he has two final tricks in his repertoire. The first trick is to put his seven-toed front paw under his food dish, raise it and let it fall to the floor with a loud thud. If that doesn't work, his last resort is to sit on the bed, watch for any movement under the covers and attack it like the true ninja cat that he is.

Naturally, once he's satisfied that I'm up and awake, his work is done and he again assumes his position on the sofa to take a nap.....

I find it hard to understand the hullabaloo about Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow taking a knee after scoring a touchdown and offering a silent prayer. It amazes me that the media and everyone else has a remark or opinion while at the same time, every monkey in the NFL has a rehearsed celebration dance or move after even the slightest accomplishment, much less scoring a touchdown.

The News As I See It: If there is a government shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. That's our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees.

The National Transportation Safety Board called for an all-out ban on cell phone use while driving. Headsets, Bluetooth, everything would be banned. I read it on my Blackberry as I was going to work.

On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, "I am also not a fan of gay milk."

Customers are complaining that Amazon’s new Kindle Fire is too hard to use if you have fat fingers. In response, Amazon released another version called the Kindle Deep Dish.

Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. Even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party.

Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month.

Lindsey Lohan has completed her Christmas shoplifting. She's been in court so often they finally hung her picture in the cafeteria next to O.J.’s

A special Christmas episode of "Glee" featured Chewbacca. That's weird because I always thought C-3PO was the gay one.

This Date In History: 1653; Oliver Cromwell became lord protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland. 1773; The Boston Tea Party took place. 1916; Grigori Rasputin assassinated by a group of noble Russian conspirators. 1920; One of the deadliest earthquakes in history hit the Gansu province in China. The 8.6 quake killed 200,000 people.

1944; The Battle of the Bulge during World War II began in Belgium. 1990; Jean-Bertrand Aristide was elected president of Haiti in the country's first democratic elections. 2000; Colin Powell was selected to become the first black secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: The one thing that seems to keep all women and most cats out of real trouble is that they're always cute after the fact.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Anytime you feel down and bad about yourself, remember that you were the fastest sperm. 2) Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. 3) If you have to release bad news to the public, it helps if you are not ugly. 4) Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. 5) I can't wait to finish today's post, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 16th: It's going to be a good weekend for you now that you've got all your Christmas shopping done. Hey, Christmas parties, free drinks and mistletoe? What else could you ask for. Chance of romance is 85 percent with drinks, 55 percent without.

Birthdays: Ludwig van Beethoven, German Composer 1770, Jane Austen, novelist 1775, George Santayana, philosopher and poet 1863, Zoltán Kodály, composer 1882, Noel Coward, playwright, composer 1899, Margaret Mead, anthropologist 1901, Arthur C. Clarke, science fiction writer 1917, Philip K. Dick, writer 1928, Benjamin Bratt, actor 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The alter boy replies, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who are getting off, get the hell off now, and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're leaving right now."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language." Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to the success of the movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss.

They suffered so much that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as... Sinko de Mayo.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." The doctor replied, "That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down."

That's it for today my little furballs. Remember, Life is meant to be lived! On the other hand, you have five different fingers. AREA 51 beckons me to happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !