Friday, December 16, 2011

Possum S. Hemmingway

So you ask, what does Possum S. Hemmingway do when he's not watching Cats 101 on Animal Planet? He sleeps! Yep, Shithead, as he's affectionately known, is not one to waste time on silly things. His motto? When in doubt, take a nap.

That is, until I'm recording a song in my home studio. He always feels it necessary to add an occasional meow to my recording, rendering it useless. Then, he has the audacity to get pissed when I erase the song and start over. Yep, Shithead does his best work when he should be sleeping.

When I'm sleeping, however, he feels it's a good idea to go through the house and open every door and cabinet that he can find. The only reason that he doesn't open the front door and go for a walk is that he can't figure out how to unlock the door.

If all that commotion doesn't wake me, he has two final tricks in his repertoire. The first trick is to put his seven-toed front paw under his food dish, raise it and let it fall to the floor with a loud thud. If that doesn't work, his last resort is to sit on the bed, watch for any movement under the covers and attack it like the true ninja cat that he is.

Naturally, once he's satisfied that I'm up and awake, his work is done and he again assumes his position on the sofa to take a nap.....

I find it hard to understand the hullabaloo about Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow taking a knee after scoring a touchdown and offering a silent prayer. It amazes me that the media and everyone else has a remark or opinion while at the same time, every monkey in the NFL has a rehearsed celebration dance or move after even the slightest accomplishment, much less scoring a touchdown.

The News As I See It: If there is a government shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. That's our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees.

The National Transportation Safety Board called for an all-out ban on cell phone use while driving. Headsets, Bluetooth, everything would be banned. I read it on my Blackberry as I was going to work.

On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, "I am also not a fan of gay milk."

Customers are complaining that Amazon’s new Kindle Fire is too hard to use if you have fat fingers. In response, Amazon released another version called the Kindle Deep Dish.

Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. Even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party.

Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month.

Lindsey Lohan has completed her Christmas shoplifting. She's been in court so often they finally hung her picture in the cafeteria next to O.J.’s

A special Christmas episode of "Glee" featured Chewbacca. That's weird because I always thought C-3PO was the gay one.

This Date In History: 1653; Oliver Cromwell became lord protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland. 1773; The Boston Tea Party took place. 1916; Grigori Rasputin assassinated by a group of noble Russian conspirators. 1920; One of the deadliest earthquakes in history hit the Gansu province in China. The 8.6 quake killed 200,000 people.

1944; The Battle of the Bulge during World War II began in Belgium. 1990; Jean-Bertrand Aristide was elected president of Haiti in the country's first democratic elections. 2000; Colin Powell was selected to become the first black secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: The one thing that seems to keep all women and most cats out of real trouble is that they're always cute after the fact.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Anytime you feel down and bad about yourself, remember that you were the fastest sperm. 2) Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. 3) If you have to release bad news to the public, it helps if you are not ugly. 4) Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. 5) I can't wait to finish today's post, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 16th: It's going to be a good weekend for you now that you've got all your Christmas shopping done. Hey, Christmas parties, free drinks and mistletoe? What else could you ask for. Chance of romance is 85 percent with drinks, 55 percent without.

Birthdays: Ludwig van Beethoven, German Composer 1770, Jane Austen, novelist 1775, George Santayana, philosopher and poet 1863, Zoltán Kodály, composer 1882, Noel Coward, playwright, composer 1899, Margaret Mead, anthropologist 1901, Arthur C. Clarke, science fiction writer 1917, Philip K. Dick, writer 1928, Benjamin Bratt, actor 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The alter boy replies, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who are getting off, get the hell off now, and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're leaving right now."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language." Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to the success of the movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss.

They suffered so much that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as... Sinko de Mayo.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." The doctor replied, "That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down."

That's it for today my little furballs. Remember, Life is meant to be lived! On the other hand, you have five different fingers. AREA 51 beckons me to happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Good week-end to you too.

jack69 said...

If these are the views of Possum S. Hemmingway, I am starting to agree with him.

The two hour delay did cause a lot of laughter here, but only for a minute.

BTW the doc is right about the zipper thing.

Thanks for a good read. Have a great weekend at Area 51.

Linda's World said...

PSH Is absolutely my favorite boy cat....He gets my vote for 'Cat of the Year.'

salemslot9 said...

Possum needs to
put out his
own single

Missy said...

Aren't cats great? LOL... I wish mine would do SOMETHING. He literally just wants to sleep. He gets into absolutely no trouble ever. I seriously think that I have the most boring cat in the world!

he peed my bed once but that was only because I locked him in the room by mistake.