Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Sweet Dreams

My first mistake today was taking time out to eat some lunch in my recliner and watch some TV. My second mistake was to lean back in the recliner to what I like to refer to as "Cruise Control." That's when I went into the coma.

I woke up to find that my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway had discovered the rest of my sandwich and devoured it. Accordingly, since the recliner was already in the cruise control position, he figured that he would climb up on my chest and take a nap, as well.

I came out of my sleep coma to what sounded like an idling 1957 Chevrolet with the distinct smell of ham and swiss cheese on it's breath. Yep, there was Possum resting peacefully with ham and cheese breath. That's my story for posting late today and I'm sticking to it.

Speaking of cats, take a look at what this cute little kitty enjoys eating..... 

The News As I See It: I hope everyone had a nice Labor Day. It's the day we honor the American worker, an 8-year-old kid in China. It's difficult to recognize Labor Day as a holiday now that Jerry Lewis is not hosting anymore.

A new study has found that men and women see colors differently. We also see everything else differently. Women can perceive more than 50 shades of gray, whereas men see a poorly written book.

The Democratic Convention began yesterday. What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was "Hope and change." It should have been "Hype and Blame." This year the theme is "Hope you don’t make a change."

The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks.

If you're a donor to Obama's campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden — and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden.

Bruce Willis may sue Apple so he can pass down his Apple music collection to his daughter. This could be an important case because if there's one thing teenage girls love, it's their dad's music collection.

This Date In History: 1698; Russia's Peter the Great levied a tax on bearded men. 1774; The first Continental Congress met in Philadelphia.

1836; The Republic of Texas made military hero Sam Houston its first president. 1905; The Treaty of Portsmouth, which ended the Russo-Japanese War, was signed at the Portsmouth naval base in New Hampshire.

1972; Palestinian guerrillas killed 11 Israelis at the Munich Summer Olympics. 1997; Humanitarian Mother Teresa, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for her work with the poor, died in Calcutta, India, at age 87.

Picture Of The Day: "Stop the incessant coverage of these boring political conventions......"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? 2) Women should not have children after 35. Really.....35 children are enough. 3) Whenever I walk somewhere, and someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're telling me, "Here, you go throw this away." 4) A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad.  5) An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 5th: The best things in life are free, including back massages and sex. However, it's also possible to pay for these, as well. I think you'd be better off paying for the massages. You'll feel more relaxed when you make your attempt for sex. Chance of romance is 51.35 percent and that figure will rise if you offer a free massage in exchange for a brief romp in the hay.

Birthdays: My sweet pal Jocelyn - Happy Birthday young lady 19XX, Louis XIV, king of France (1643–1715), son and successor of King Louis XIII 1638, Jesse James, outlaw 1847, Mrs. H. H. A. Beach, composer and pianist 1867, Darryl F. Zanuck producer 1902, Arthur Koestler, writer 1905, John Cage, composer 1912, Bob Newhart, comedian 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship. They are favored to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

In a panic, the coach says, "What? How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over two months." Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. The sex counselor said, "For example, you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. After explaining it to his wife, she hesitantly agreed, "Well, okay, but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away and second, you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." The Rabbi answered, "Yes," The auditor asked, "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?"

The Rabbi responded, "A good question. We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." The auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer, tried another question.

In his obnoxious way, the auditor asked, "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "The Rabbi calmly responded, "We actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

Thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi the auditor asked,  "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? " The Rabbi said, "Here too, we do not waste. What we do is save up all the foreskins. When we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

In disbelief, the auditor questioned, "The Internal Revenue Service?." The Rabbi replied, "Yes, the Internal Revenue Service, and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

That's it for today, my little tinker toys. Remember, you're such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. AREA 51 is my destination this evening for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

Hmmmmmmmmm Cruise Conrol!
Hugs, Rose

Paula said...

Like that IRS joke.