Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Have You Ever Felt Like The World Was A Tuxedo And You Were A Pair Of Brown Shoes?

It's been one of those days. My computer is on it's menstrual cycle and my cable has been intermittent at best. Perhaps the 40 degree temperature in "sunny" Miami is affecting it. I did manage to post a picture of one of my favorite bars before Blogger decided that it's sole purpose for today was to make my life miserable. It's time for scotch on the rocks!

A politically correct advocate would say that Barack Obama's approval rating is 42 percent and that Congress' approval rating is 9 percent. The fact, is that Obama's disapproval rating is 58 percent and Congress' disapproval rating is 91 percent. How is it that we continue to allow these assholes to run this country?

The Iowa Caucus is over Rominey and Santorum finished 1-2 and Michele Bachmann finished last and dropped out of the race. Wow, who'd a thunk it?Now, aren't you glad you listened to two weeks of non-stop bullshit?

The News As I See It: 2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed. In the interim, you can tell that Christmas is officially over. The sidewalk Santas are back to selling crack.

The Iowa caucuses are finally over and Mitt Rominey narrowly beat Rick somebody. Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. You know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull.

Obama’s campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video is 15 seconds long.

Police have detained a suspect in a huge string of arson attacks. This guy was going around Los Angeles setting dozens of cars on fire. And he was setting the cars on fire the old-fashioned way: without a Lakers championship. The car owners whose cars were burned were really upset, except for the people that owned Kias. They were thrilled.

The suspect in the recent arson fires is a German man who is upset about his mother's immigration status. Apparently his mom didn't know you could just walk over from Mexico

This Date In History: 1885; Dr. William W. Grant of Davenport, Iowa, performed what is thought to be the first appendectomy. 1896; Utah was admitted as 45th state in the United States. 1904; In Gonzales v. Williams, the U.S. Supreme Court decided that citizens of Puerto Rico are not aliens and can enter the U.S. freely.

1948; Burma (Myanmar) gained independence from Great Britain. 1951;
During the Korean War, North Korean and Communist Chinese forces captured the city of Seoul. 1965; President Johnson outlined his "Great Society" in his State of the Union address.

1999; Former wrestler Jesse Ventura was sworn in as Minnesota's governor. 1999; The U.S. Mint began distributing the 50 State Quarters.

Picture Of The Day: No pictures today. Blogger has decided that it is going to be a pain in the ass today and I'm unsure if this post will even reach it's destination.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not saying that she was ugly. I'm just saying I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs. 2) Regular naps prevent old age -- especially if you take them while driving. 3) Although I've never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 4) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 5) Brother Kirt bought a Japanese camera. When he takes a picture, the camera goes "Crick".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 4th: At least it's hump day. That's a good sign for you today. Wear light colors tonight, it will improve your evening especially if you decide to go on a long walk. Chances of romance are at 62.3% unless you're looking for love in Miami where its so cold that every pecker in town looks like a very timid turtle peeking out of it's shell..

Birthdays: My pal Linda from Washington State - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Sir Isaac Newton, mathematician, scientist 1643, Benjamin Rush, physician, signer of the Declaration of Independence 1746, Louis Braille, inventor of Braille system 1809, Sir Isaac Pitman, inventor of phonographic shorthand 1813, Tom Thumb, entertainer 1838, Jane Wyman, actress, producer 1914, Floyd Patterson, boxer 1935.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man left work one Friday afternoon. Since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, " That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

That's it for today my little jellybeans. Remember, they say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love. After marriage, it is self-defense. Chances are I'll be heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

Comcast has been out as well.....weird.

Facebook has too many hackers lerking...........Ugh

I'll join you with that scotch on the rocks!

Paula said...

A few days ago Blogger disabled my blog without warning or reason. I was so angry because I thought they were agreeing with my Mama that hussy is a bad word. lol Now don't take me wrong. Johnny G. thinks I don't know moose is plural for moose. People have to learn to read between the lines on my blog.

jack69 said...

I loved the politics today, I got up to get a drink of water and missed the 15 sec video of the pres.
I have applied for 10 loans already, all with balloon notes payable on the 29th of December this year. The world better end, Or Sherry will end mine.
Sir Isaac Pitman, inventor of pornography shorthand 1813, I didn't know that! WOW. ....
Oh my proof reader said I spelled it wrong!!! my bad.

Woody said...

I sure do know the feeling of the Brown Shoes, then the Navy gave me a nice Shiney pair of "Black Shoes" !! LOL !!
Fishing is just starting to pick up in Lake Okeechobee.