Never Forget

On 9-11-01, Islamic terrorists changed the lives of Americans everywhere. We mourn our losses every year, yet terrorists continue to strike around the world. This will continue until we have a leader who has the balls to attack the problem at its source.

It's a simple proposition - take them out now or wait until they're stronger and fight them in the future. Be sure, the fight will come to pass as Iranian leaders make their intentions known every day. It's just a question of when.

Obama, through his ignorant, idiotic agreement with Iran, has given these people the tools they need to become richer and therefore stronger, giving America little or no ability to know what they're doing.

Today is a day to remember the fallen victims of September 11th. It is also a day to think about the Japanese massacre of Americans in Pearl Harbor on December 7th, 1941 and the price Japan ultimately paid for such barbaric aggression.

Ultimately, it's America's choice to respond to barbarism with a sword or be sheared like sheep.....

The News As I See It: Justin Bieber's new song, "What Do You Mean?" is his first-ever Billboard number 1 single. Bieber wrote the song in response to the question, "Does the defendant understand the charges before him?"

According to a New York Times report, Hillary Clinton's campaign is trying to put the whole email scandal behind her. They say they want to start bringing humor and spontaneity to her campaign. And nothing says spontaneity like announcing you're going to be spontaneous.

Toyota filed a patent this weekend for a wing system that could be an attempt to make a flying Prius. That struck me funny because what usually creates a flying Prius is a strong gust of wind.

This Date In History: 1789; Alexander Hamilton was appointed the first Secretary of the Treasury. 1936; President Franklin Delano Roosevelt dedicated Boulder Dam (now Hoover Dam) in Nevada. 1962; The Beatles recorded their first single, Love Me Do.

1971; Former Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev died at age 77. 1997; In Scotland, voters approved the establishment of a parliament to run their domestic affairs, after 290 years of union with England.

2001; Two hijacked commercial jets were crashed by terrorists into the north and south towers of the World Trade Center in New York City, causing the collapse of both towers. A short while later, another plane was crashed into the Pentagon, and fourth into a field near Shanksville, Pa. 2012 Armed gunmen stormed the American consulate in Benghazi and killed U.S. ambassador to Libya Christopher Stevens and three other embassy officials.

Picture Of The Day: September 11th, 2001

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The teacher asked the kids to pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Three of the kids picked Internet Explorer 8. 2) Dogs lick each other's asses to tell each other they like them - just like politicians. 3) I'm worried my dog will never find out who's a good boy. 4) I went to Match dot com. It wasn't to meet women. I went to search for a mate for one of my socks. 5) "To do is to be" (Descartes). "To be is to do" (Voltaire). "Do be do be do" (Frank Sinatra).....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 11th: You may hear a voice in your ear saying that you are here for a purpose. Don't pay any attention to the voice, they meant to say porpoise. That is, unless you're from New York or New Jersey, in which case, take heed.

Birthdays: O. Henry, short-story writer 1862, D. H. Lawrence, author 1885, Paul (Bear) Bryant, football coach 1913, Ferdinand Marcos, Philippine political leader 1917, Tom Landry Football 1924, Daniel Kahikina Akaka, U.S. Senator 1924, Brian De Palma, director 1940.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man went to a job interview. The Human Resources manager asked him, "What is your greatest weakness?" The man replied, "Honesty."

The Human Resources manager said, "I don't think honesty is a weakness." The older man said, "I don't really give a shit what you think."

An old cowboy walked into a drug store and directly to the pharmacy. He said to the pharmacist, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

The pharmacist said, "Would you like a paper bag?" The old cowboy replied, "Nah...she ain't that ugly."

Today's Hits are a bit blue so children please warn your parents to avoid this......

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Michael and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?" Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees.

After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home. My wife died a year ago."

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

Paddy is in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she is not wearing underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?" Paddy replies, "Yes, I'm sorry," and promises to avert his eyes. The woman replies, "That's all right. It's very talented. Watch this, I'll make it blow you a kiss." Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him. The woman suggests, "Come and sit next to me."

Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Paddy replies, "You’re kidding?! You mean it can whistle, too?"

That's it for today, my little tumbleweeds. Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Never Forget !

Twelve years ago today, terrorists attacked America on several fronts including two commercial jets that were purposely flown into the World Trade Center, another which crashed into the Pentagon and a fourth, which was being flown toward Washington, D.C. before the brave passengers overpowered the terrorists forcing the plane to crash, killing all aboard.

Since that date, there have been continued terrorists attacks in America, forcing all Americans to adapt to a lifestyle never before imagined. But we, as Americans, will not forget that date and the innocent people who died because of a group of people whose grasp on the meaning of life is questionable, at best.

There will probably be future attacks in one form or another as life, as we once knew it, has been changed forever. I pray for the souls of September 11, 2001 and the innocent people who have been injured or killed in subsequent terrorist attacks of this kind.

  
On September 11th, 2012, terrorists attacked the American embassy in Benghazi, Libya. Four Americans died in the attack, Ambassador Chris Stevens, Information Officer Sean Smith, Security personnel Glen Doherty and Tyrone Woods, both former Navy Seals. The Obama administration declared for several weeks that the attack was a retribution for an anti-Muslim video on YouTube.

According to U.N. ambassador Susan Rice, who (in lieu of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton) immediately appeared on all the Sunday political talk shows saying that, "There was a hateful video that was disseminated on the Internet. It had nothing to do with the United States government and it's one that we find disgusting and reprehensible. It's been offensive to many, many people around the world. That sparked violence in various parts of the world, including violence directed against Western facilities including our embassies and consulates."

Although the Obama administration knew from day one that this was false, they finally admitted it was a terrorist attack. Obama vowed to "bring to justice" the perpetrators of the deadly attack. Obama said his "biggest priority" was bringing the "folks" in Libya responsible for murdering four Americans to "justice."

What difference did the phony YouTube narrative plied by U.N. ambassador Susan Rice, Hillary Clinton and Obama make? As the former deputy chief of mission at the U.S. embassy in Tripoli, Greg Hicks, testified, the damage done was "immeasurable" because it delayed the FBI probe. Classified documents were left unsecured at the compound. Critical time and evidence were squandered.

Well, today is the one year anniversary of the Benghazi attack. The Obama administration has not captured anyone or brought anyone to justice. CNN reported that the Obama administration had charged "several suspects" in the Benghazi attack and that one of them was Ahmed Abu Khattala, reportedly a leader of the Ansar al Sharia militia. Khattala has been interviewed by several media entities, including CNN, yet the Obama administration can't seem to find him.

In the interim, Secretary of State John F. Kerry has reinstated four employees implicated in security lapses in the terrorist attack, drawing sharp rebukes from leading Republicans who said the moves mean nobody has been fired or held accountable.

The bottom line? In Obama's 2012 re-election campaign, he proudly boasted that "al-Qaeda is on the run and Osama Bin Laden is dead." The terrorist attack on Benghazi would have changed that headline to "al-Qaeda is alive and well and Osama bin Laden is dead", which would have hurt him at the polls and his bid for re-election. Thus, the drawn out false narrative until the elections were over.

The News As I See It: You can tell that fall is coming. The leaves are changing faster than Obama's position on Syria. John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don’t, he'll give them another week.

Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work.

Obama addressed the nation on Syria last night, which meant NBC "America's Got Talent" was delayed by "America's Got Problems."

Samsung unveiled its new smart watch. It will go on sale later this month in 140 countries. It's a smartphone wristwatch. Experts say this could revolutionize the way senators play poker at Senate hearings.

New York Fashion Week is in full swing. This is a time when today's hottest models show off all the latest eating disorders.

Tokyo has been named the host of the 2020 Olympics despite concerns about the radiation leak. That explains the Tokyo Olympics official mascot - a three-headed Hello Kitty.

Dennis Rodman went to North Korea for a second time to meet with his friend Kim Jong Un. I think the reason that these two get along is that that Kim Jong Un thinks that Rodman is President Obama.
 

Americans killed in Benghazi come home

This Date In History: 1789; Alexander Hamilton was appointed the first Secretary of the Treasury. 1936; President Franklin Delano Roosevelt dedicated Boulder Dam (now Hoover Dam) in Nevada. 1962; The Beatles recorded their first single, Love Me Do.

1971; Former Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev died at age 77. 1997; In Scotland, voters approved the establishment of a parliament to run their domestic affairs, after 290 years of union with England.

2001; Two hijacked commercial jets were crashed by terrorists into the north and south towers of the World Trade Center in New York City, causing the collapse of both towers. A short while later, another plane was crashed into the Pentagon and a fourth into a field near Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

2012 Armed gunmen stormed the American consulate in Benghazi and killed U.S. ambassador to Libya Christopher Stevens and three other embassy officials.

Picture Of The Day: No need for words.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There's Jimmy and then there's Drinking Jimmy and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike. 2) The new iphone5 can only be opened using a fingerprint scanner . Great, now when they rob me and steal my iphone, they'll cut off my finger so that they can use the phone. 3) In a car crash, a dog would rescue you. A cat, however, would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court. 4) I don't need anyone in my life who is condescending and using me for food. That's why I have a cat. 5) If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are anywhere else, I flush my toilet.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 11th: You will overhear gossip today while you are on the toilet. You may have cause to damn your flatulent ways before you hear the really juicy bit. Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and you might feel a bit awkward when even the slightest, even accidental, touch causes you to wet yourself.

Birthdays: O. Henry, short-story writer 1862, D. H. Lawrence, author 1885, Paul (Bear) Bryant, football coach 1913, Ferdinand Marcos, Philippine political leader 1917, Tom Landry, football coach 1924, Daniel Kahikina Akaka, U.S. Senator 1924, Brian De Palma, director 1940.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man and his wife were sitting at a table at their high school reunion, and the man kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. His wife asked, "Do you know her?"

He sighed, "Yes, she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." His wife replied, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

A woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

She purred, "Want some of this?" Her husband replied, "Are you kidding? Look what it did to those panties!"

A senior citizen was working out at the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing walk in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked him over and said, "I'd recommend the ATM in the lobby."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. One of the other hunters asked, "Where's Harry?" The man said, "He fell over a log a couple miles up the trail and broke his ankle."

The other hunter said, "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?" The hunter answered, "It was a tough decision, but I figured no one was going to steal Harry."

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

The cop said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!" The man said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

That's it for today, my little patriots. Remember, going to war is the only way most Americans can learn geography. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Remember !

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the September 11, 2001 Islamic terrorist attack on the Twin Towers in New York City and the Pentagon. God bless the victims of the attack and God bless all those who helped in the rescue of the survivors. We will never forget !

A tough road to ho? Well, maybe. If you're a woman of ill repute walking on an asphalt thoroughfare and being described by a ghetto rat, the phrase may be correct. The term, however mangled and/or misspelled, is "tough row to hoe." Taken from farmers, it refers to weeding and clearing around a row of plants using an implement called a hoe.

As one who has actually had to do this task on my father's farm, the hair on the back of my neck stands up when I hear the term misused, especially by supposedly educated types in the media and on television.

The News As I See It: I was unaware of this, but Al Gore spoke at the Democratic convention. He said, "Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks!"

Mark Zuckerberg announced he will not sell his 440 million shares of Facebook stock for at least a year. Then, if he does sell, he'll use the money from the sale of the stock to maybe see a movie or take his wife out for a bite to eat.

The economy is so bad that Mitt Romney was at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper. It's so bad that Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change.

A man was arrested in Pennsylvania for planting marijuana on the property of a church. People could tell something was up because instead of communion wafers, the priest was just handing out Barbeque Pringles. After confession, the priest had people do four Hail Marys and five Willie Nelsons.

There were two earthquakes in Beverly Hills recently. As people in Beverly Hills were running out of their homes, everyone was yelling the same thing. Oscar and Emmy winners out first.

There was a big shakeup on "American Idol." There is still a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it.

This Date In History: 1813; Oliver H. Perry sent his famous message, "We have met the enemy, and they are ours," after defeating the British in the Battle of Lake Erie in the War of 1812.

1846; Elias Howe of Massachusetts received a patent for his sewing machine. 1939; Canada declared war on Germany, entering WWII.

1963; Twenty black students entered public schools in Birmingham, Mobile, and Tuskegee, Alabama, after President John F. Kennedy sent National Guardsman to end the standoff with Alabama Governor George Wallace.

1988; Steffi Graf achieved tennis' first Grand Slam since Margaret Court in 1970 by winning the U.S. Open women's final. 2002; Switzerland became the 190th member of the United Nations.

Picture Of The Day: This picture brings back many memories, most of which I can't recant and the rest I can't remember..... 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My Uncle in Chicago was a staunch conservative and voted straight line Republican until the day he died. Now, he votes Democrat. 2) I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future...but enough about my diet. 3) My great-uncle once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building.  He changed my mind at the last minute, so he just flipped over and landed on his feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." 4) I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.  5) To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 10th: Your vision will never fail as long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes. Everything you read online today will turn out to be a complete scam, but I'm being redundant. Chance of romance is 63.27 percent depending on how you look at it.

Birthdays: William Torrey Harris, educator and philosopher 1835, Elsa Schiaparelli fashion designer 1890, Arnold Palmer, golfer 1929, Charles Kuralt, television news reporter 1934, Roger Maris, baseball player 1934, Stephen Jay Gould, paleontologist and science writer 1941, Amy Irving, actress 1953, Colin Firth, actor 1960, Randy Johnson, baseball player 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two 70 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.

The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes you feel like a man of 30." The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?" The first man,"You probably could, if you took 2 pills."

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired, I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 28 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "That's fantastic! Why the hell are you crying!?" The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plip! Plop!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"
 

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

Down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

That's it for today, my little Wile E. Coyotes. Remember, Always start your diet on the same day.....tomorrow! That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

R E M E M B E R

Sunday marks the tenth anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. For ten years, the annual commemoration has been seen as a day of national unity and sober remembrance. As usual, and especially this year, there are already credible threats of terrorists attacks.

I'm particularly tired of hearing about terrorist rhetoric and threats. If it were me, every time I received any sort of threat from any terrorist organization, I would immediately announce to the world that there would ten indiscriminate drone attacks in the country of origin. It may not stop the terrorist, but I'd feel a lot better. But, that's just me.

God bless the victims of the September 11th attacks and God bless America!

The News As I See It: Last night was Obama’s jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on Obama. Da Prez plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map.

Obama's speech was translated into Indian, Spanish and Chinese so that the people who have our jobs could understand.

Republicans actually decided not to give a rebuttal to President Obama’s jobs speech last night. I guess they figured there’s already a rebuttal to his jobs speech.....No jobs.

Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was shampoo, rinse, and repeat. People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people....and that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.

The oil industry says that if they are allowed to drill more, they can create a million jobs. Of course, most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off of ducks.

A new study found that children born in March are more likely to become pilots, while children that are supposed to be born in March but keep delaying their arrival become Delta pilots.

This Date In History: 1776; The Second Continental Congress changed the name of the nation to the United States of America, from the United Colonies. 1850; California became the 31st state.

1893; President Grover Cleveland's daughter, Esther Cleveland, became the first president's child to be born in the White House. 1926; The National Broadcasting Company (NBC) was created by the Radio Corporation of America.

1948; The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) was created. 1956; Elvis Presley appeared on television for the first time on The Ed Sullivan Show. 1976; Communist Chinese leader Mao Zedong died in Beijing at age 82.

Picture Of The Day: No explanation necessary.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? 2) I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 3) Everyone has a photographic memory, it's just that some don't have film. 4) Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once. 5) In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 9th: Don't be discourged with recent politics and speeches. There's more important things to worry about this weekend if you know what I mean. Buy those shoes you were thinking about. While you're at it, buy some odor eaters for the shoes, as well. There have been too many dogs following you around. Romance odds are 70-30 provided you buy those odor eaters. If not, plan on renting a movie.

Birthdays: Luigi Galvani, physician 1737, William Bligh,British admiral 1743, Joseph Leidy, scientist 1823, Otis Redding, singer, songwriter 1941, Michael Keaton, actor 1951, Hugh Grant, actor 1960, Adam Sandler, comedian, musician, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.

The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.

The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.

Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will make them go blind."

An old man in the front pew of the church stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"

An older lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store to get some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Frances for her contribution to today's stories.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed and asks, "Who?" The nun replies, "Sara Pipalini." St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and Says. "No sister, you read it wrong. The paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat", agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage. She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. She explained the problem to the vet.

The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." She asked, "Do you think that will work?" The vet replied, "It just worked for me!"

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that the lottery was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are pissed off."

That's it for today my little prairie puppies. Remember, if you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. AREA 51 sounds like a plan! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !